If you've read my post about my "motherist" tendencies you'll know I don't like being pigeon holed as just someone's mother. Aisling left a comment on my last post saying I'd obviously overcome this, but I suppose it's been more a case of self loathing- any club that would have me as a member etc! This is a post I've been putting off writing because it's something quite personal and was upsetting to me when I thought about being open about it.
Yesterday was a horrible day, generally I hate Tuesdays anyway, people really don't understand this, but I've always hated Tuesdays. On Monday I still have the energy from the weekend, but Tuesday it just dies and it seems really far from the next weekend, and there is never anything on the TV, also as a kid we used to always have liver on Tuesdays! But today was just a horrible day, even if it hadn't been a Tuesday, my son had swimming early this morning and we were running late, he made it just about but it was close (he's always last).
I didn't have time wash the dishes and my hubby hadn't done them and we started the day arguing, we are sleep deprived and therefore the tiniest thing sets us off! So by the time my morning run around was over and I'd dropped everyone to Montessori, school and work, and the babe in arms and I made it home I was feeling weird, mild panic in my chest, lonely and needy. It was recycling day so I loaded up the bottles (a lot of wine and beer since last week- but ice cream remains untouched), the paper and cardboard and the plastic, (Dun Laoghaire Rathdown family of five - picking up the recycling once a month doesn't work).
I drove to the recycling centre and started to unload the stuff! While doing this I had an uncharacteristic change of heart and called my hubby to say of course he should go out last night, so I was talking to him on the phone and I burst into tears. Just standing in the car park of the recycling centre, the little guy asleep in his car seat and a piece of my puzzle just fell into place. I realised why I'm so sad at the moment (and angry) - I'm in mourning, when my little guy was born that day, eight weeks ago today, on my birthday, the old me died.
Since my eldest was born nine years ago my life totally changed, it was at least a year before i felt some sort of normality (reality) return, then when we were lucky enough to have our daughter there was change again but not as severe as before, and weekends away, nights out and returning to work (eventually) made me feel like there was hope for the future, hope that I would be the person I was (or had the potential to be) as the kids grew up.
Then last year when I discovered that the rhythm method is not a reliable method of birth control I slowly began to acknowledge that life would never be the same again. I'm never gonna be that person again, my life is different now, I spend my days changing nappies, my timetable is my kids timetable of feeds, naps and where they need to be when! Even when they are older it's not gonna change and I'm gonna be doing different things for them but my life will always revolve around them (until they leave me penniless in Leas cross).
I wouldn't change a thing, I'm so blessed and all of my children are amazing (amazingly annoying sometimes), but I am sad, sad that I have to let the old me go, like she died, or never existed. I'm striving for happiness in my new life, making mother friends, doing activities outside and away from the family but it's a long road, and sometimes i get angry that I have to change so much when my husband's life has changed but the person he is hasn't (confusing I know), this is possibly why we argue so much!
So I'm starting this journey, I'm hoping it's gonna get easier to let go of the past as I go forward into the unknown, but who knows.
6 comments:
Hi MW
Well done for writing that down, a lot of women must feel exactly the same but I'm sure are afraid to acknowledge it. They may feel that by admitting to their feelings of loss that they are a bad mother or something. Of course it's perfectly normal to mourn the loss of a previous life/ self, especially while you're baby is still so young.
I'm no expert as it's a long time since I had my daughter, but I'd hazard a guess that you may feel differently in only a matter of months. Hopefully less night time feeds mean more sleep/ means the ability to go out at night and not be shattered. Then eventually when the youngest is out of nappies and walking etc. there's a new level of freedom then which will make you feel differently I'm sure.
I think we all go through the mourning for our pre-children life. With me I did my grieving when I was pregnant, I remember lots of tears in the middle stage.
(MW the date on this post is the 29th May? Is that right or maybe your blog settings are off? Just wondering, I didn't see the post pop up till today?)
(LOL at the Leas Cross comment!)
You are very brave to say what I'm thinking. I thought I was the only one who felt that way and I have only one little girl. I read you every day.
You've hit it right on the head...that's what all moms think, but few say. Esp the part about the guy's life not changing (okay, yes, there are stay at home dads, but not that many!), and we are there, becoming somthing that some of us never thought we would, or swore we wouldn't! No matter what the way you wanted it to be (hippie mom, rich Drummy Mummy, someone barely making ends meet...) we all have a few things in common as moms, and we all do relatively the same things. Which, when it comes down to it, is incredibly depressing.
We all had lives before...careers for some of us. And that's all pushed on the back burner for the kids (which, for me, lead to resentment for a while), and some of us will never go back to that. Some will, in a different capacity...but we all have that...*shite* of "mother" hanging over our heads, like we're not valued enough!
Oh, my, that was a diatribe!! Er...good post!!
Aisling I started it yesterday but I didn't get to finish it! Thanks for the good vibes! I know it'll get better but first I need to learn to accept the hand i have been dealt and live in the moment!
Anon,
It's lovely for me to hear that you are reading the blog and it connects with you on some level, that's why I'm writing the blog, it makes me feel less alone
Elana,
we will go back to our lives, but maybe we'll be stronger people, and as for our lovely hubby's I think it could be harder for them cos they don't share!
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