The lies we tell

I had coffee with a friend the other day, a good old chat and a catch up she is one of those really old friends that comes in and out of my life, we might not see each other for a year but when we get together it's like we saw each other last week. So we were chatting away, I was listing the litany of crimes my hubby had completed since the baby was born (well really since the dawn of time), we laughed a bit but then the tone changed as we dug a little bit deeper, talking about our real issues and problems.

My friend has one child and has been married less than half the time I have, but the arguments she has with her partner are exactly the same as the ones we have. Exactly. Even though both are partners are totally different personality types and my friend and I are very different, and we are in very different circumstances, it seemed that the problems are universal. We told each other basically the same stories, the circumstances were different but the issues and feelings were the same.

Talking to her I realised that we can never judge whats going on in other peoples relationships, I would have thought nobody fought as much or as ferociously as myself and my partner (passion is a wonderful thing but after nearly twenty years it can be draining), I know everyone thinks it's best to be honest but how often are we truly honest? We row with our partner but we would never admit it out of a fear of looking disloyal to our other half, or we have problems with our kids but we feel like we'll be judged if we tell anyone. but if everyone was more honest it would provide a network of support, and instead of thinking our relationship was in trouble because we felt this way, we would see that what we were feeling is quite common and maybe we would hold out more hope for what we had.

I know it's a cliche but it's all the film industry's fault (and mills and boon!) We aspire to perfection, a perfection that is impossible to achieve. Movies and books always focus on the lovely romantic falling in love start of the relationship or the sad , tragic ends of the relationship, they make the most interesting films but what about the day to day grey bits in between? Would you go to see a film about a middle aged couple who've been married a decade, just getting on with life? So the media only shows us the exciting bits, and as families are dispersed and community diluted we don't really see first hand other peoples relationships up close, so how can we know if what we feel and experience is good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, normal or abnormal?

I don't know, I'm not suggesting we all live in communes but a little bit more realism and honesty could go a long way.