Shoes vs Boots!

The Blog awards are on Saturday night,now they aren't all normal formal blog awards, with round tables and plates of inedible turkey and ham in some undefinable "gravy" they are just the awards and then everyone get to socialise together, now having not ever been there myself (I'm a blog awards virgin, please be gentle) I assume this means afterwards everyone gets drunk, and if there is music that will involve some Irish drunken dancing.....BTW midget wranglers don't dance!

Now my main concern as a wrangler of the feminine persuasion is what to wear? I had decided on a nice pair of jeans, sexy top and red fake fur muppet/fraggle hooker jacket. But my inner girly just loves to dress up, I love dresses, in particular the very swirly girly swingy ones! So I purchased a beautiful chiffonish one (my boyfriend looked at it and said, Jesus you'll be freezing!) I really like it, it's very cute, very me! But now the major issue.....shoes!

I love shoes....not the normal ones we wear for walking around everyday but really high (I'm only 5 foot one inch!) I like a good four inch heel, makes me at least less ooompa Lumpa like! But if i wear the shoes I really want to wear on Saturday I will be unable to walk....unless i bring a big bag with my sneakers in it for later! Why does it have to be like this, why can't there be a perfect pair of shoes of me, I can see them now....Red patent leather, 4" stiletto heel, real fuck me shoes, but fuck me shoes you could walk in, Jesus I'd wear them all day long!

Another question why do men like fuck me boots more than fuck me shoes?? Now it's grand cos I have a lovely pair of lace up the back serious fuck me boots (only worn once) which are comfortable enough, but shoes are so much sexier! I love the way my lower legs look in high heels, and I have a fixation with fishnets, I think there is something so sexy and timeless about high heels and fishnets, OK so boots look well with a very short skirt I suppose, but is it not a bit to hookery?

Jesus, I am all excited now! Talking about shoes gets my blood pumping, I'm gonna go look in my wardrobe now, there must be a pair that I can walk in but that still look sexy? I do have a few pairs of red shoes in my wardrobe, my Dorothy in the wizard of Oz fixation! Gosh I'd love a really sparkly pair of red shoes. I don't have those in my collection! Once I have the shoes sorted there is the underwear debate, bra or corset, tights, stockings or hold ups? I love getting ready for a good night out, in fact the getting dressed up while you have a glass of wine is probably the best bit, savouring the freedom, no disappointments yet, all giggly and excited Yay!

Role on Saturday night!

Just realised I've written a post about my fetish love for shoes and underwear....maybe there is life in the filthy old dog (bitch) yet?

Midget Wrangler....she's filthy!

I got my fluffy link badge from Damien Mulley this week, my ex partner actually claimed it for me! and apparently when my ex told him who I was Damien's reaction was "Midget Wrangler she's filthy"..."I'll have to read back over those old posts....." Fire ahead if you want to know what lights my ex's fire...or at least what used to!

I was kinda down heartened though....yes at one point my blog was filthy, I didn't see that as wrong though, I don't see sex as dirty or immoral, i see sex as an extremely important of peoples relationships, and i could never see myself in a relationship where the words "I love you" were enough to do away with the need to show your need for your partner physically! But does that make me wrong? If something happened that meant I couldn't show affection physically for my partner, how would that work?

Now I know some people disagree, and that people have different sexual appetites, But I think sexual attraction is essential in a romantic relationship, I suppose in particular in the early days, and it needs to be serious to survive the lean times ahead, when you are arguing over the ESB bill....

As for me being filthy, I disagree. When I wrote about my sex life I was in a relationship for more than a decade, I was not out shagging around, my blog is an outlet to express what was happening in my life and I'd entered my mid thirties, had my third child and I was trying to figure out who I was, how my relationship was changing, how I was changing sexually. My then partner had no problem in me talking about our sex life, i do wonder how it is for him now, though, it's there in black and white? My new partner does not want me to mention our sex life here so out of respect for what we have I don't. But it does not mean my feelings about openness and honesty have changed.

We can talk about so many things in modern life, but I have found that as thirty somethings we still struggle with talking about sex, it's always giggly and a bit silly, we seem to revert to behind the bike shed gossipers "I hear if you do it standing on your head you get pregnant straight away! Everyone knows babies come out through your belly button! Did you know women have teeth 'down there'!" Think that last one was probably put around by the local priest!

It's a repression thing, an Irish Catholic thing, it's why most of our dating rituals involve the pub and alcohol! It's also why kids are sexually unprepared, levels of sexually transmitted diseases are off the chart, teenage pregnancies are rife, and sex is seen as something to be gotten on with, just lose the cherry asap cos it's gonna be crap and no one wants to be a virgin at 15! If we could change Irish society's fundamental repression then our children might feel more comfortable in their own skins and their own sexuality would be something to embrace and enjoy, safely "mum I need to go to the Family Planning Clinic", "great I'll just get my purse", not " WHAT! Oh my God, you slut, as long as you live under my roof you won't have sex, we are not going there, you are only 14...lalala la I can't hear you!" Maybe I'm totally wrong, but my daughter and son are answered honestly if they ask questions about anything, including sex, now the answers are age appropriate, but I feel if I make it OK to talk about it now then as they get older the lines of communication will be kept open.

Maybe it will be easier as a woman to talk to my daughter, but I'm in the position where I'll be a single mum with two sons, they need to feel unembarrassed enough to be able to talk freely to me too.....Gosh, I have to attempt to raise that rare creature, an unrepressed Irish male! In fact I've to raise two of them! Wish me luck!

This is Kate Nash.

She is a singer I really like.

I have two tickets for her gig on Monday night in the Olympia.

I have nobody to go with me .

I am so desperate to go, and I hate going alone that I am asking the blogesphere to help.....I am bad at asking for things, but I'm changing that, so here goes....

If there is anyone out there who fancies seeing Kate Nash on Monday let me know, the cost? Well a couple of beers and listening to me singing totally out of tune!

Interested?

Free at Last!

I had my last therapy session today......freedom, horrible, horrible freedom! So now all that remains to be seen is will Tuesdays improve or continue to be my most hated day? Today was actually a good day, I was feeling a bit crap this morning, I seem to have a period that is taking fecking weeks to arrive!!! I mean it, I've bloody cramps and horrible mood swings, eating bread and chocolate....yes I know, but it's an insatiable hunger, well it is satiable, one piece of dark choc Toblerone a day does it! But still? The day improved as it went along, I was busy and I kept my mind engaged, I haven't looked at computer all day, maybe that's a good thing?

So my last session and I had to bring everything together, basically sum up my experience of therapy and what I felt had come of it, what had i discovered about myself.... easy enough to do? Not really, remember the therapist has a perfect memory and remembers exactly what I've said about everything (that's how they make sure you aren't lying) but I can't remember everything cos some weeks I was hysterical and upset! I did come to several conclusions which I'd like to share if you don't mind?

One, I have low self esteem brought on by the fact that as a young child I was often made to feel unimportant, not quite good enough, example a childs painting or drawing, my dad would often point out how I could make it better...therefore it wasn't good enough as it was and I wasn't good enough as i was. Conversely my mother never had time to look at pictures.

Two, my parents were bad parents, they both told me from a very young age that they wished they hadn't had children. They fought a lot and my dad drank a lot, he told me in the early hours of one morning after they'd had a physical fight that it was my fault, I was the eldest, if they hadn't had kids their lives would have been happy.

Three, I always felt like my marraige wasn't going to last, my experiences of men are not good...I distrust them, my mum pities men "what do you expect? He's only a man" and on Christmas Eve when I was nine and my brother was six they fought and our dad asked us who we wanted to live with him or my mum, we both said mum and he drove off, he was back by christmas morning, there is the annual photo of us that morning which I hate, I have kept it in a album though, I look so sad, I have to say the twinkle is gone out of my eyes. My parents still argue, they stayed together, tied tightly to each other by bitterness, i don't think marraige works.

Four, I am afraid to ask for things because I fear rejection, if I ask for a favour from someone, I have to really psyche myself up, if they say no I personally feel rejected. Rationally I know this is silly, if I say no to a request I'm not rejecting that individual but for me it's different. My parents made me work too hard for everything, both physically and emotionally, nothing was ever given easily or without some sort of emotional cost, i feel like that now with my ex partner (although I didn't feel that way in the relationship).

Five, I strive to be perfect, because if I am perfect people will like and accept me (for people read my parents..inner child needs a hug) I have to remember I am only human, and my parents were only human and my children are only human, "Good enough" is good enough!

I am a loving, caring, intelligent, beautiful, interesting woman, I have discovered what I want from life and I have the tools to get it, I need the courage to ask for the help and rescourses to get there! Today was the end of my therapy, the end of the relationship with my therapist but the begining of a new chapter in my life, no, actually like a brand new 120 page copy book when I was in school, the excitement I got when I wrote on that first perfectly smooth page!

I hope this post wasn't too me me me! But then feck it it's my bloomin blog! It's all me me me!

For Jo!

I realised how rude I am this morning, I never thanked my friend Jo for the lovely afternoon she provided for the weenies and myself on Thursday!

From the beautiful rhyming invitation she sent to my little people, to the beautiful tea she had prepared for the wee ones, including yummy rice krispies squares! There were balloons, party hats and mini bubbles!

Then my wonderful friend did a lovely warm goats cheese salad, because she remembered a post where I mentioned my desire to live a lifestyle that allowed me to only eat goats cheese salad and drink white wine! That's a friend with attention to detail!

Then when we were leaving Jo had a lovely gift for me, violet sweets (my favorite) and some erotica! What more could a body ask for?

So thanks so much Jo.

X

I can see clearly now....

Tuesday was a really awful day, really, but the comments and support I got from everyone in the blog universe really helped, so thank you all.

My Therapist had a wonderful treat when I showed up on Tuesday evening for my session, I was already in tears when I walked in, that's a first! We talked about everything that was going on in my life that had caused me to feel so low on Tuesday (I scanned back through the blog and exactly a month ago I had the same kind of day...but anyone dare to suggest it's purely hormonal and I'll skin them alive!)Now where is that tub of double triple choco icecream!

So I talked to her about what was gonning on with me, why I thought I was feeling the way I was, and It comes down to me never thinking I am good enough, I get tired and frustrated but I'm afraid to ask for help because I think people won't do it for me, that they don't like me enough, that maybe they only like me if I am doing things for them. My entire life I have taken care of other people, putting their needs and desires before my own, and the core of that is a feeling of worthlessness!

Now that's a scary thought, that all of my actions for as long as I can remmber were motivated by what I thought was love and concern for others but actually it was a double jepordy situatuion, I'll give them no choice but to like me, I'll be the best friend, the best hostess, the cleverest cook, and then they'll have no choice but to like me, but of course everyone likes a doormat.....to wipe their feet on!

Another thing tied into this is my new guy, I find it difficult to feel worthy of his depth of emotion, I just can't see what he sees in me! He is amazingly kind and generous with his time, he likes to cook for me, insisting that I don't help out, which I find so difficult, because if I amn't taking care of him why would he like me.....? He really couldn't like me "just the way I am", I can't have found my Mark Darcy, can I? Btw, my middle name is Brigit! Seriously!

Then Dr. Headshrinker and I spoke about this, my blog, I mentioned the shortlisting for the Bloggies, and again I tried to explain to her what a blog was.....I spent one 45 minute session previously trying to make her understand, anyway I could tell she thought the blog was significant, she perked up a bit, see just as she is reading my body language I've become an expert in hers! "Midge, when you talk about the blog you are smilling and proud, and yet what you write about there is your true self, you aren't doing anything to get peoples approval, you allow yourslf to be upset or annoyed or wallow in self pity? It's more the real you than any other part of your life? And yet people respond to that, they get nothing from it, you aren't thinking about the readers needs, just your own. People respond to that, to the real you?"

So what she was trying to make me see was that here in the blog I am probably more myself than I am anywhere else in my life right now and I just need to turn this cyber me into flesh and blood me! Hard work, changing the habits of a lifetime, but it has to be worth doing!

Oh and I'd like the new me to be taller, with better skin! Weird Science anyone?

In a land far far away......

Now, before I begin I am warning you, if you have been enjoying my blog recently, thinking how far I've come and how great my attitude has been, don't read this post....ok?

So, once upon a time there was a little girl who didn't believe in prince charming or living happily ever after or even the future of the planet earth! She believed in doom and destruction, the clothes she made for her Sindy dolls were made from the fabric used to line coffins in her fathers place of work. She didn't play mummy with baby dolls and the aforementioned Sindy dolls were fashion designers and doctors living in apartments in rathmines and Ranelagh, they were also probably lesbians as her brothers action men never got a look in with them!

Now that little girl grew into a bigger girl and then a bigger teenager, she had friends who were boys but didn't go all soft and soppy over thm the way her friends did, she still believed the world was doomed and why would anyone want to reproduce in a world like that, why would anyone want to reproduce, full stop! A late bloomer at sixteen this girl had her first boyfriend, first french kiss (yuckity yuck), first experience of hormonal lust....it was ok, but he was an idiot and he said she laughed too loud, I think he felt she lived too loud really!

Then at 17 and 3/4 she did something, something silly, something she regrets to this day, she kissed her best friend (male), they fell in love and from then on they shared their cynical opinions on how awful a place the world was and how society was a crock of shite and they were the only ones who made any sense, wrapped in a cocoon of self satisfaction and their own egos they floated through their teens and early twenties.

So our princess had found her prince charming and although he didn't have a white horse he did have a student monthly bus ticket, and there was no magical kingdom with a crystal palace, but there were a series of rented houses in various locations, eventually our golden couple married, in a secret registry office service, they said it was for family reasons and neither of them believed in marraige, but our heroine just didn't believe she deserved a wedding. She was happy though, she believed it wasn't the wedding it was the marraige, and two people more suited to each other would have been difficult to find!

Now the dwarfs, every story needs dwarfs! Our heroes had decided not to have children, they were young and their desires to finish their education, travel and live a little didn't seem selfish. But fate had other ideas, and after months of denial she discovered she was with child, sitting on the loo, with the fourth positive test in her hand sobbing as her prince charming did the dance of the virile fertile man! She was a good (if ill) pregnant woman, reading all the books, going to all the classes, not even looking at a drink or piece of stinky cheese, eating all the (apple) pies. He was the expectant first time father, they seemed so happy, but she was becoming resentful of him, and he was withdrawing from her and they new life they were about to begin.

Years passed and our couples golden glow dimmed, as they had another two dwarfs and the walls closed in around them, there were windows and doors in the walls of course but our heroine was afraid to use them, if she went out would she ever come back? Then one day her prince decided enough was enough and he was gonna step outside, there was no wicked witch, no siren, no golden pot of treasure at the end of the rainbow, but the hostile and scary, dark deep lonely forest outside the walls of their home was more appealling than what lay inside.

Now our heroine was trapped in the cabin in the woods with the dwarfs, who looked to her for comfort and reassurance, but now the cabin door and windows had shrunk and it was even getting difficult to see outside, or for people to see in. The dwarfs were growing and seemed to suck all the life out of our heroine so she often felt like there wasn't enough air to breathe, or enough space to even string a thought together in her head! Some days she dreamt of a life beyond the walls of her cabin, squeezing out of a window when the dwarfs are snoring, other times the oblivion of a poision apple or a bottle of wine call to her. I don't know what happened to her, but I do know if she had never let herself be fooled by fairtayles and hormones she'd be living the life her Sindy dolls were!

So today my friends, is not a good day, I cannot stop crying, I am tired, I feel like a piece of elastic pulled too far. I have nothing left today, the children are requiring inner strenght I just don't have, So far this morning I've eaten a bowl of cereal, a slice of bread and butter and a chunk of a giant dark chocolate toblerone. My blog has been shortlisted for an award, as has the group blog, I want to buy a nice dress for the night....so why am I eating? I want to go to Jo's on Saturday night but I have a huge cluster of acne on my chin that makes me look like a plague victim....don't worry jo, if I'm not coming I'll still drop the food over! My ex is struggling to support us financially, and I am worried how that is gonna go, I feel guilty cos he has to support us, yet I am in no position to work (childcare for 3 children).

I feel like crap, I wish my life was a fairytale, cos I know I'm a good person and good people are always ok in fairytales, they find a hen that lays golden eggs, or a magic porridge pot or they are kissed by a handsome prince from a far away land and they wake up to disover it was all a dream and they go on to make the same mistakes all over again!

I Heart Science!

Let me explain, I am a hippy dippy type, I dropped science at the end of first year in secondary school, cos I wanted to do art, and art and science don't mix? Well last night I was in the new Science Gallery in Trinity college and I see that they do! There are some lovely instillations the show is called Light wave and it's excellnt, there was a 3D projection of the sun, something based on the northern Lights and a daylight room to beat that winter SAD! It was really great!

I was there with Mr Science (like the new tag?) there is a cafe there and they were holding an Alchemist cafe talk, which is when a lot of people interested in science get togther to talk about a particular topic, so last night it was Dr Peter Gallagher an astrophysicist, talking about the true cost of space travel, and was it worth the billions of euro/dollars put into it. Now I really enjoyed it, except for the odd weirdos... People who had obviously spent far too long thinking about this! One guy was really a bit crazed, and of course as I predicted at half time break he move seats to the empty seat beside me! Now Mr Science thought this was very funny, I managed to convey to him that we were leaving, I was not comfortable sitting beside a science obcessive! So we snuck away, but I was glad, I was starving and it was after nine.

So we wandered over to my car, through Trinity, now it's been nearly ten years since I was a student in Trinity, but the flash backs! I have to say it was the happiest time in my life, it was when I felt most at home! It was as if I'd found my place in the scheme of things. So walking past the arts block, remembering the (I know very bad) smoking outside in the cold, drinking tea from styrofoam cups and worrying about the essay I was working on (oh to have worries like that now) Sitting on the grass in the spring, talking about the future, about dreams, aspirations, about who we were all going to be! So It was bittersweet being there, i don't know how I'd feel if I'd gone into a lecture theatre, I suppose I'd remember the excitement, that feeling of what will we discover today, will I ever understand this philosophical theory (probably not!) I want that again, and I will do anything to get it! I may be older and wrinklier but I'm the same square peg in a round hole and I want to exprience all those things again!

Anyway, we went back to his place, where we drank some wine and cooked some food togther which we enjoyed as we talked and looked at some of his old photos. It was just so nice, such a different evening, but perfect, one of the things I really like about Mr Science is that he is making me step outside of my comfort zone and do new things I'd never have done before! I think it's one of the great things about relationships, or friendships, each person brings something different to the table and that enriches the other persons experience of life.

Beautiful Day!

Ok, so the picture has nothing to do with my post....but it's a picture of my bunny suit (not me in it though!) I just have been looking for a reason to post it and I don't talk about my sex life anymore...so unless I go to an "adult" fancy dress party I'm not gonna be posting about wearing it!

So today started badly, my baby was ill, he has had a cough and a runny nose for a little while now, but I thought it was just a teething thing! But it has been getting worse and last night we both had very broken sleep. So this morning I decided it was a good idea to bring him to my GP, although he hadn't a tempature you really can't take risks with a 10 month old!

So children dispatched to school and Montessori I passed on my weight watchers indoctrinating for this week and headed with the baby to the doctor, so turns out it's just a headcold, my doc perscribed saline nose drops and gave me a script for an antibiotic if he hasn't improved by the weekend, he's a good Dr, walks the middle line between giving or not giving antibiotics. So safe in the knowledg that my little prince would be alright I headed into Dundrum, it was 11.30 at this time and I had an hour to kill.

I parked in a place I never park in and when Iwas on my way up in the lift I got chatting to a woman whith a little girl the same age as my baby, I was struck by how big my guy is, and we were laughing because she was her second, he was my third and I'd just gotten a perscription for the pill from the doctor....maybe you had to be there, but it was funny! So I was laughing away as she went one way and I went another, I hear "Midge?" and I turn around to see one of my dearest friends coming towards me, after lots of hugging and "you look greats" we headed off to have a lovely bowl of soup for our unexpected lunch and catch up. I am delighted to report that her life is in a great place and it was a joy to spend a little time with her.

When I was just sitting down to eat my phone rang and it was my friend asking if she could keep my daughter for the afternoon, to amuse her little guys, totally unexpected, but it meant I could relax, and I did! When lunch finished I headed to do some window shopping, I have lost weight recently as you know, and now as a size 16 there are shops I can shop in now that I've never shopped in before, So I ventured into River Island and tried on a few things....I can't possibly explain how that feels, and why I hadn't ventured there before now. So what can I say, I was bad, I bought a lovely wrap around top....my first ever purchase in River....that's a milestone!

I headed home, fed the baby, did some domestic stuff, my daughter was in my friends, my son has art after school, so I was alone until 3.45.....bliss! I had spent some time preparing a nice spinach,vegetable and chicken curry, which they have just inhaled! Now I have had ten minutes to post about mt perfect day, and it's not even over yet, I'm heading out to a science thing with my man! The home for some wine and snuggling! I'll tell you what, life is good, and when it's good there's nothing better! And sometimes life throws the most beautiful days at you when you totally don't expect it!

Wife Swap!

I watched Wife Swap on Channel four tonight, and I am wondering why? Why do people do it? Why do they do it to their children, the children are the ones who suffer! They pick people who are just at totally different ends of the spectrum. Tonight they had a hippy,drop out home school family and a rich bitch trophy wife type.

I have been thinking recently about home schooling, I love the idea of it, the idea of taking care of the kids development, but it does mean that the kids lose the socialisation aspect of school. School is about much more than just learning things, it is about socialising with other children. I think maybe the things I do at home with them is partly home schooling, I teach the kids different things than they learn at school.

Something that really struck me tonight while I watched it was that both sets of parents were so selfish, they both had different opinions and needs that wanted to have met, and they treat their children as their possessions, that the kids have to live their lives according to their opinions, and that to disagree with their opinions would be the worst thing that could happen!

Do we all feel like this? I was talking to friend recently and I asked him would he be disapointed if his kids decided to be a fast food worker or something? He said he would be, he knows his sons could do much better than that, and he would be disappointed if they didn't live up to their potential. I said, but if they were happy? And still the answer was no, I want them to live up to their potentials.

Maybe I am a bit different, I want my kids to be happy, and if they decide to live their lives differntly from me, if they want to just work in Superquinn, or drop out from society and just write or paint or something, that would be ok, once they were happy. Now obviously I wouldn't want them to use drugs or anything like that, nothing that could hurt them or anyone else! But I do just want my kids to be happy, to feel very happy in themselves, to be confident and secure, that's all we can hope for our kids!

Thanks!

So all the longlists are out for the 2008 Blog awards! I have been nominated for a few little things, I am so touched that anyone thought it was worth their time nominating me!

I know this means someone will be visiting here (for the first time) and I thought I'd give you the heads up! My blog is really two different blogs as pre October it was about struggling with being a stay at home mum with my three weenies, the youngest of whom was born last april and inspired me to start a blog (to stave off the cabin fever) The second part of my blog, post October is me (publically for the first time) dealing with my marraige ending in August of last year!

The nominations are great but the blog is not about that! It's my attempt at making sense of the things that have happened to me in the last ten months!