Love is just a game!

Hey guys, now that I am heading to the gym daily I am using my little MP3 player, and I m discovering music I having listened to in ages! And today, while striding away my ears were graced with the magic numbers, I actually went to Oxygen in 2006 (for the first time ever) to see them preform, I love them! So here is one of my favorite songs, Love is a game!

Oh and on Monday I'm going to see Newton Faulkner in the village, I might video something and try to post it!

Chocolate salami!

Look what Jo the Mama brought me back from Italy...a professional chocolate salami! If the bloggers who were at the party in my place remember I was very proud of my own creation! But this looks so amazing!

Thanks Jo, I won't be trying it for a while! It's in the special drawer!

Kill all the dog dressers!

Okay, so I suppose it's a bit of a cliche, me attacking the idiots who dress their dogs up as children, but feck you I'm gonna rant away, this is my Blog you know, so if you don't like it, lump it!

I hate those little "dogs" and the vacant little idiots who carry them around, kissing them (with tongues) it's cruel! I think that these idiots who carry around these dogs are both animal haters and child haters! Why do they want to have a dog that is tiny, bred to be pretty useless at everything, couldn't even chase a spider? Then if that isn't bad enough they carry it, like a baby and dress it like Britney spears! It's almost like they want something to carry around with them, but a real dog is too smelly and drooly, and a real baby is ....well too smelly and drooly! So some one thought "I know I'll dress up an inbred animal in clothes and then put it in a two grand Chloe bag, obviously I wont feed him or give him anything to drink the entire time we are out cos I don't want him to pee his (gold velour) parachute pants, or ruin my bag!

AAARRRGGGHHHHH! I hate you!

I hate that suddenly Mary the sales rep. thinks she can be Paris Hilton if she buys an outfit in Claire's accessories and puts it on her yorkie! What has happened to us? There are people sleeping rough on our streets, people on trolleys in hospitals and we are dressing dogs?

I have a suggestion to put to you, now it's radical I'll admit but give it a go. These dogs are suffering, they are animals and animals shouldn't be treated like barbie dolls and have their "dogness" taken away from them, should they? I say the people doing this to their dogs should be punished (I think an appropriate punishment would be cleaning out some real shit at the zoo), and then the dogs (which are very messed up) could be put to some good use, allowed to roam the countryside in tiny little packs perhaps?

There is another solution...I was driving through Terenure and right beside "Dogsbody" professional dog groomers was "Chanze" Chinese take away......just sayin, that's all!

Crunch!

Last night I went to Dundrum to meet Jo(the mama) for a cup of tea and a chat, it was mad, I got there at half seven and was driving around looking for parking, fruitlessly trying to avoid having to park in the basement! Eventually I found a space (in the basement) and I headed off to meet Jo.

We had a lovely chat, and she gave me a lovely (yet uneaten) chocolate salami from Italy! Thanks Jo, that's not in the kitchen btw, it's in my secret drawer in my bedroom! So we said our goodbyes and headed off to our cars, Jo had managed a space right beside Starbucks....I trudged down to the basement!

Once in the basement (why can you not get down there directly?) I paid my parking fee and headed to my car, feeling quite relaxed and happy. I got into my car, turned on my lights and CD (Mika in cartoon motion) and checking mirrors backed out....slowly, slowly, everything clear....CRUUNCH! Asre! Arse! Where did that huge silver car come from? I swear it must have feckin teleported behind me cos I hadn't seen it at all!

I was shaking, it had been a big crunch, I got out of the car and looked, no marks on either car (it was a WV Passat, I think they are tanks!) But I felt awful leaving the car, so I waited, in my head I said ok, I'll wait half an hour, if no one comes I'll leave a note with my mobile number! I was shaking, I thought about leaving, there was no mark on the car they'd never know! I didn't run away I waited and after just twenty minutes an elderly couple showed up. They seemed baffled as to why I was telling them this...."But there is no damage?" that was said more than once!

So I had stopped shaking at this stage and headed home! I was glad I stayed to face the music, but still maybe I should talk about it in therapy next week...why I need to be sooo good all the time?

Karma Vampires!

I have invented a new way of being, I'm not thinking positively I'm doing positively! Lets hope it's paying off. I am feeling positive, I'm acting positively and I for the first time feel "responsible" for my life!



My problems are the people I thought were my friends, I thought they were there to support and help me, how wrong I was! Now I will clarify here, most of my friends are amazing and have been the lovely cheerleaders I needed, But some other people I thought I would have considered friends have turned out to just want me to be unhappy. A lot of the steps I've done to improve my life seem to upset some people.

Like what? Well losing weight, going to the gym, therapy, trying to make new friends and attempting to date! Basically changing my point of view from a helpless, "I didn't ask for this life oh poor me" to "I am taking responsibility for my life and my reactions to the things that happen to me". "They" don't like this, "they" feel uncomfortable with me making changes, maybe because it throws light on some uncomfortable facts about their lives? Maybe it's that I have been in a rut for a long time so the people I attracted into my life were of a similar mindset.

Now I've changed my thinking and my doing and I've noticed that I'm attracting different experiences and people into my life. Part of it is that I no longer as blinkered, and I see opportunities to make a new friend or try a new experience!

My parents, now I love them deeply but they are so negative, on one hand they want me to be OK, but then they react badly when I am feeling positively. Imagine I'm laughing, telling a story and they deliberately bring up the fact that I'm a "deserted wife" (which isn't true by any means) But what they are saying is...."don't be too happy, now remember to be devastated". I actually think my parents and some other people think that if i am happy, if I move on then I am "letting" my ex partner "get away" with something! Now this I don't understand, because if I am depressed and wallowing in self pity he is gonna move on anyway! He isn't going to say, "oh gosh, I hurt her, I'll come back", which even if he did I wouldn't want him back!

I am happy with my new life, now with it comes a lot of responsibility and fear of the unknown but this new beginning is a very positive challenge, it is an amazing opportunity to mould my life into a life I will be proud to live! Now I have my down days, but that's natural. I just wish people would put aside their own anger and hurt to be the cheerleaders I need right now, is that too much to ask?

Weight Watchers!

OK, so unless you haven't read my last few posts you'll know that my life has changed recently (I hope for the better). So a lot of my posts have been about my size, I'm cuddly (as a very nice person said recently) But now that my life has changed so dramatically I've decided to make some lifestyle changes, to improve my health (both physically and mentally) and also to improve my confidence!

Now before you start rubbing your hand's together and saying, "I knew it, she wasn't happy being fat, she was just pretending!" I'll tell you something. I am happy in my own skin, I'll never be skinny, in fact I'll never be slim, I am a size 18 and I want to be a 16...maybe a 14 at a push! I love myself with all my curves but I have let myself go since the kids were born, I believe it or not used to love the gym! It was the only time I lost weight, while eating my normal diet!

So now that my relationship has finished is not that I feel I have to lose weight to meet someone special, not at all, I feel like I want to take care of my body, eat the right food and exercise. So I joined Weight Watchers (for the first time ever) and the gym! I'm thinking about my body, about what goes in and what I'm doing with it! I suppose i fell like if I spoil myself a little but taking care of things I'll be better able to cope with the things that are going on in my life!

And I do feel better, I suppose if I wasn't making this effort to be healthy I could fall into the trap of eating as much as I wanted , "because I'm alone..and no one will ever love me again!", or drinking a bottle of wine every night," to just get me through the night"! So I'm making a conscious positive decision to be my best friend, taking care of myself (as well as my weenies).
I never thought being selfish was a positive thing, but now I can recognise it as a healthy thing.

I'll keep you updated on my shrinking! I have to say I'm very disappointed at the moment I've lost half a stone, but a lot of that seems to have come off my boobs!!! Not happy with that!

Dating Virgin!

OK, so you all know that I've gone through some changes recently, my relationship of 17 years was going through a lot of downs, not too many ups! So my partner and I have amicably separated and we are trying to establish a new relationship! It's weird, everything has changed, but stayed the same! We are still exceptionally good friends, we are still the parents of our three children, but also now we don't live together (first time in 14 years) we aren't accountable to each other and both of us are alone in the world as adults for the first time.

Now my Ex isn't dating as far as I know, but as he is out in the work force he has no problem meeting girls (and he is a lovely guy) so it won't be too long before he has female company. Now I am at home, my little baby boy is only 8 months, so while I looked at returning to work I've decided to try to wait it out until he is a year old, so how do I meet boys...I mean men (remember last time I was single "my mate fancies you" was dating)? Seriously how do I do it?

Now it's not like I'm desperate for a man in my life, having spent so long in a relationship, and having my family completed, I don't need a man to make me feel "complete"! But I would like some male company, girls are great but I always liked to chat and flirt with guys! So how do I do it? Now I have a very flirty butcher but I think he's married, and going to bars or clubs to meet guys is not something I enjoy, much too messy!

So a friend suggested a particular dating website, and with my heart in my mouth and a glass of wine in my hand I took the plunge! Now it's early days but I have to say I've been chatting to a few nice men, even though at the moment I don't think I have the balls to meet any of them in the flesh! The etiquette of Internet dating is funny, I am very careful never to be in any way suggestive, because if that's what you give out that's what you get back! And a couple of my friends have had really dodgy experiences with guys like that!

OK, so I have to go now, it's play date time again, don't think I'll meet any nice guys down the playground, any single ones anyway!

Feathers!

So today I bought myself a new duvet and duvet cover, a duck down duvet! Why is this so important, well my husband never liked feather pillows or duvets and we had hollow fiber for years. Now that I am alone in the bed it is cold, cold and empty. So I've been bringing a hot water bottle to bed, complete with a pink fluffy cover and some nights I've been wearing my robe in bed a few nights too.

Today I went out to buy an electric blanket, thinking that a little bit of roasting would make my nights a little warmer! So into Debenhams I marched, and while looking for an electric blanket I saw a special offer, half price duck down duvets! Should I could I? Yes, I picked up a duvet and cover, double size (we've always had king before, but now there is only me in the bed it seems too much), I walked up to the till, the middle aged friendly lady took for my purchases and I handed over my cash, "Are you interested in getting a Debenhams store card today?", "no" I answered, she looked hurt so I continued, "I'm separating form my partner, so money is tight.....(no reaction from nice middle aged lady)...and he didn't like feathers, so now I'm buying this duvet". Now she reacts, good for you (she looks a bit taken aback though), "and I don't have to do his ironing either!", now the lovely woman is looking at me with matronly sympathy, perhaps she thinks I've been drinking? "At least you have no children", she adds, "oh, we have three!"

This is just an example of the types of encounters I've been having with people, strangers or family and friends. Because my husband are trying to make this split a positive thing for all of us, people don't know how to deal with us. I look around and I try to find an example of what we are trying to do, and I can't see any!

So the duvet, wow...it is so comfortable, so cosy and warm! I am heading to bed now with my book and a cup of green tea! Heaven, I just hope I can get out of bed in the morning!

Changes

It's been a while. I haven't blogged for a while as there have been things happening in my personal life that I've had to deal with privately. My blog has been a tool for me since my last son was born, I use it as a sounding board, I talk about my thoughts and worries, I have used it to help me look at my life in a more organised way, when I write about how I feel or a situation that I find myself in it helps clarify things for me.


In recent months though I haven't been honest in my posts, which has been extremely difficult for me. I am what I am, and anyone who knows me will tell you that what you see is what you get, perhaps that's not a good thing but it's my nature and I can't start hiding things now. But as i said for the last few months I've been writing about things I didn't real want to write about. I wanted to write about the fact that my marriage was on the rocks and that I was finding it all incredibly difficult to deal with.

And now? Well my marriage is over, I am alone at 34 with three children. For the first time in my adult life I'm single. So from now on my blog will reflect my honest reality. This reality is trying to find a way to maintain a friendship and relationship with my ex partner, solicitors, therapy, my kids weird reactions, how I deal with no sex after having it almost daily for nearly 20 years!

OK, so that's enough shocking revelations for now! I hope my blog will not let me down, and that it will allow me to express myself in a safe environment (I'm paying 75 Euro an hour to my therapist!)