Tequila!

I love tequila! I mean I really love it, it's my favorite spirit! Does that make me odd? It's not a very relaxing social drink is it?

I like silver tequila with a lick of salt and a wedge of lime....yummy! There is nothing better! I have a dirty little secret, some afternoons during the summer when the kids were driving me crazy I'd sneak into the kitchen for the ritual of a shot! Jesus don't tell child services...it was only ever one shot now! Now I can't get my silver tequila anywhere, I have tried all the booze stores around and nobody has it anymore! I would be so happy to find it again, as the normal tequila just doesn't do it for me anymore!

Ok, that's it...I love tequila!

P T Arghhh!

Regular readers of my blog know that my relationship of nearly seventeen years ended this summer, and that I have three weenies to keep me busy. Now the little ones are all at different stages of childhood. My youngest will be ten months, imagine the raised eyebrows at dinner parties when they do the maths in their heads...seriously, do people think separation ever happens at a "good" time? Some people I have to say do ask the obvious question, "was the baby planned?" Personally I never planned any of my children and while I do know some families which were planned to the last detail I didn't have that experience.

My daughter has just turned four, she is in Montessori and has been attending since she was two, she is as bright as a button and as I write this is eating a nutella sandwich for her breakfast, chocolate all over her face but the silver cardigan and jeans are still clean! Her montessori teacher has been keeping me updated as to how she is getting on in class. One of the hardest things I had to do when my marriage ended was to tell her montessori teacher what had happened, as I was aware of the possible emotional and developmental fall out there could be. But all things considered she is doing great, she has her moments but every four year old Diva has those.

My eldest son, my first born will be ten just before Paddy's day, he is in 4th class, so only a couple of years until secondary school....please don't ask me any questions about that....no I don't have it sorted! So yesterday I had a Parent Teacher Meeting, it's that annual thing where each parent is offered ten minutes of the teachers time and we are shown on a little chart where our child falls in terms of ability and has that changed since the year before. Now last year my son was in the top 5% of children of his age group in Ireland at Maths, this year he has dropped quite significantly, now he is only slightly above average. The teacher was so puzzled as to what had happened, I did ask her directly could it not be as a result of my relationship ending....but she seemed to see no connection. She said I should take more time with my son on a one to one basis, now as I just mentioned I have two other children, my one to one time with anyone is pretty limited!

So my son asked me about his results, I told him I was very proud of him and that he had done really well, but as last year such a fuss had been made of the percentile he was in he wanted to know, I told him the truth and he was devastated. I hadn't thought academic success was so important to him....turns out he is finding the changes at home are affecting him, he's feeling a bit stressed, misses his dad and worries about asking me for more help because I have so much on my plate with the baby and his sister! I feel so awful, my son worried about me!

Here I have been trying to get some more space for me in my life, as up until now I've been giving 150% of me to the kids, turns out it's not enough! What do I do? My plans are changing again! Currently I am at home instead of in the gym as the baby won't settle in the creche there! I get five minutes if I am lucky which isn't long enough to do anything!And his not settling is bad because I had planned to put him in childcare in April, looks like that aint gonna happen at this rate!

I wish there was a pill I could take, something that meant for the next couple of years I'd be happy to just be there for the kids, tht I would feel no resentment at having to put their needs before mine! I'll be a mum for ten years in march...I'm 34, I feel like I've spent the best years of my life trying to insure that my children are well rounded healthy individuals, and I think I have succedeed (socially my son is amazing, great at sport, popular, good at art, contributes to class discussions) But it's just not enough!I want it to be enough but it isn't!

I look at my ex, and it's difficult, I stayed at home and provided a healthy and (I hope) happy home for our children while he pursued his dreams and his chosen career, always with the belief that as the children grew I would manage to have more substance in my life, more freedom.Now he continues on in his career, financially supporting his family, so of course I want him to suceeed, but as a result of our failed relationship I am bound up even tighter to the kids!

I hope this didn't appear to be a passive aggressive rant at my ex...? It isn't, this blog is where I attempt to make sense of my life, my past and my current situation! Good or Bad, negative or positive!

Sometimes it's hard to be a woman...and not so hard to be a man!

I spend a lot of time talking about women and how hard done by we are sometimes, don't I? But the other day I started thinking about how lucky women are sexually. I know we have the messy job of having babies, and that is really messy, we have the morning sickness, swollen bellies and sore boobs, we have periods for about 40 years of our lives, then the menopause to look forward to. Yeah! you're right I'm not really selling it to you am I? But there are pluses to these things, dealing with the hormonal roller coaster of having periods generally I think helps women to be more able to deal with the ups and downs life throws at everyone. Having children is an amazing gift and the bond between a mother and her child is something even the most devoted father will never fully appreciate. The menopause....well no more concerns about birth control!

But then the pluses of being women...sexually anyway, we have nicer sexual organs, boobs are lovely, everyone can agree to that, big or small, pert or floppy they are all different and gorgeous, topped with a little raspberry nipple, what could be prettier? Our girly bits are all hidden away, a little secret garden to be discovered, men on the other hand have their dangly bits hanging around on display constantly! Women can have as many orgasms as they like, multiple if they so desire, where as most men are one shot and out for the count. Women's orgasms are much cleaner, now while all the messy bits of sex make it enjoyable as a woman it's great to have an orgasm and turn over in bed enjoy my afterglow and drift off to sleep (leaving my partner frustrated beside me-joke!) I don't have to root around for tissues or baby wipes, or pop into the bathroom for a little clean up!

Then there is the huge issue for men, erections! I cannot imagine what is like to have that kind of pressure on you as a man. If you are in a situation with a woman where for whatever reason you can't get it up, or keep it up....? Jesus it must be nerve wracking. As someone who has been sexually active for 17 years now I have had instances where this has happened, for whatever reason and as a woman I felt unattractive and undesirable, rejected, but I can't imagine how the man must have felt. I have often gotten frisky over the years when I wasn't fully into it, but it didn't matter, my partner couldn't tell, I don't have a visual sign of arousal as undeniable as an erection, so could just go along with the flow. A guy can never do that, he needs the erection. The erection is a symbol of youth and health, of sexual vitality, it must be so depressing when things start to go wrong. Hence the huge market for pumps and implants, cock rings and pharmaceuticals that will keep you hard. I don't think I'd be able to live with the pressure if I was a man and would probably choose a life of abstinence over risking failure.

Explosions in the sky!

This is the band I went to see last night in Tripod, I have never seen this kind of a band before, all musical instruments and no lyrics! It was very enjoyable, quite relaxing, I think if I'd been a bit stoned it would have been a lot better!

Enjoy!

Sweeny Todd

I went to see Johnny Depp in Tim Burton's musical version of "Sweeney Todd". OH MY GOD! It was brilliant. Now anyone who knows me will be shocked that I went to see it, as I am a total scaredy cat! I had to tell my new boyfriend that I don't watch 18's certificate films cos I am no good with gore...at all! I don't like being scared, but when my cinema going friend P suggested it I was all on for it, sure how bad could it be, seeing it was a musical and all?

Very bad, very sad, very gory! I did watch bits from between my fingers and I jumped several times. In fact after he killed his first victim, yer man who plays Ali G, I had to pop out for a bit of air. But the story is so complex and compelling, Johnny Depp is mesmerising, the singing and music is beautiful, the sets and costumes are so dark and totally oppressive you can feel the poverty and hopelessness, so I managed to over come my desire to vomit and watch the film in it's entirety!

Go see it, even if you hate gore, or musicals or Johnny Depp and Tim Burton, go see this movie! It's an experience and you can't often say that about the Styrofoam movies we pay to see week after week!

Therapy Tales!

OK, so I had my therapy session this evening, I'd had a really bad day yesterday which resulted in me cancelling my plans for the evening yesterday! I finally sat down and looked at the figures for my options for the future. I had to look at what was coming into my pocket and what I'll have to pay out in childcare, if I decide to try to get a job or go back to college! And you know what? It doesn't work! At all, unless I win the lottery I am not going to be able to go to college, and if I go out to work, I'll only just be making enough money to cover my childcare! So yesterday was totally crap!

I had my therapy session today, I headed over thinking about what I was gonna say to her? Do I talk about what's going on and how i am feeling? Remember I want to get out of therapy asap! So I decided to go with the healthy, talking about things attitude! I gave her the low down as to what is going on!

So what do you think she said? How do you think I felt to hear what she said? Do you want to know?

Well I am apparently not good at living in the moment! I apparently don't live in the present I think about the future all the time,what kind of result will this have on my future life?I also think in terms of years not days. Apparently if I could live in my life in a day to day basis I'd be OK, because my days and weeks are good, but if I think long term, like four years at home sounds like hell, I can feel the weight of that on my chest, but if I was to deal with it on a week by week basis it would be OK, I love my life at the moment, I am taking care of myself, I have three quarters of an hour a day in the gym, space for me and my thoughts, I have a better body and mind than I've had in years! So I need to stop thinking so far ahead!

I also have to have fun! Now I am from a family of undertakers! So I know life is short.....so short, but I am not enjoying and embracing that! I have three people very close to me who died, firstly my cousin Elaine (real name -she deserves it) who died two months before her 21st birthday (we had a 21st when she was 20!) she had suffered from cancer since she was 7, she had pains in her legs and was diagnosed with a brain tumour. She was an amazing woman, an amazing person, and so special! When she was alive she lived on a deeper level than I did, she was two years older than me, but she had such a huge impact on my life, each time I have a bad day with the kids I have a new appreciation for life....what's the alternative?

My other loss was my 21 year old workaholic cousin who died! Conor (again respect where it is due) had his 21st birthday party, then he went to Spain for his holidays, he had worked his ass off for the last four years in UCD, he had just gotten his masters, and he had been offered a great job, he had never had a proper girlfriend, sure he'd have years for all of that! Well turns out him and the lads went on holidays and he had too much bud (his invites to his 21st were on bud bottles) and he fell off the third floor balcony! One of his ribs pierced his heart! I still can't understand! Really, what a waste, he didn't have Elaine's peace and acceptance, he just stopped existing!

So the third person who impacted on me who died was my maternal grandmother, she raised me from zero to three while mum worked, but really she raised me from zero to 21, when she died! I adored her, she was the centre of my universe and she is responsible for who I am now! I even look like her a bit! (she was beautiful) When my Nana died i began to have panic attacks, I just missed her so much!

Now I look at my amazing children and I never want to miss a part of their lives, I don't want to miss out because I am stressing about me, four years isn't too long and day to day my life is good, now I need to make the weenies happy!

So to be told to have fun and enjoy the moment is difficult! I love my life and I adore my children, I want to be happy and have happy children! But I think I have to embrace my past, and the past of the people who made me who I am!But it's so difficult, this is when I struggle with life, I can't belive that this is it, that we are only around for 75 or so years (if we are lucky, as I know) we have only grasped life and it escapes our grip! So when I think of Elaine and Conor I need to belive in something else, in an afterlife or heaven or just energy existing.....

Happiness!

Isn't this painting fab? I put Happiness in to Google images and this is what it threw up....well it was one of the first things it threw up anyway! So a fair few of my posts in recent months have been about how sad I've been feeling, how at times I feel so low or so angry. So I decided to post when I'm feeling happy!



I am happy, content, assured and comfortable in my own skin at the moment. The beginning of the week was bad, I had a couple of really awful days and I got my period (remember now I'm not eating junk food), but from Wednesday evening things have been looking up.



Wednesday evening I went to my Weight Watchers meeting, I had lost another two pounds (well I had gained a pound over Christmas so i really only lost one pound. I also had a weird experience, I've been going now for a few months and now loads of new people are beginning and I'm one of the success stories, I know how bizarre is that, The leader asked me how much weight I'd lost, I didn't know, but apparently its nearly one and a half stone! Each week losing a pound or whatever is nice but when I add it all together it's a lot! It's actually what my son weighs, and carrying him around makes my arms ache so I have some idea of how heavy that actually is in reality!

So after weight watchers I headed to my boyfriends place, (having a boyfriend/being a girlfriend still feels weird) where he was just in from work and I made some food, we had some yummy wine and watched a DVD, sounds extremely domesticated and boring, but it just feels so lovely! Curled up on the sofa I just want to stay there forever!

Anyway, the point of this post (yes there is one) is that I put up Newton Faulkner singing home earlier in the week and I said it summed up how I was feeling about my boyfriend, it does, but it's more than that, there is a kind of a story to it.

The night before my husband left me for good we were in the car, I was driving and the Newton Faulkner album was playing, we were silent, we'd rowed earlier in the day and there was a strange stillness in the air, my tummy felt all knotted up, I could feel the change in the air I suppose. Then the song Home came on, in it Newton is talking to an ex lover, their relationship has ended and he has moved on he is with a new partner and it feels so right, it feels like home, he tells the ex that he wants all the best things for her but that he is happy the relationship ended so he could meet this new partner. Now that Friday evening those words floated around the car and between us, tears rolled down my cheeks, if he noticed he never mentioned it, each word made my fears solidify in my heart, I put my hand on his at one point and I felt nothing...he next morning my ex left.

Now on Wednesday evening while I cooked I was croaking away to the CD, I'd brought it with me, in the hope of indoctrinating my new man into the cult of Newton! The song Home came on and he said, isn't that the song you put on the blog, and doesn't it remind you of me? I said yep, and I kissed him, and the reality of the situation hit home, it does feel like home, it feels so right it's scary, I never thought I'd feel this way about anyone. I am totally blown away by how I feel. It's not the passion that first flurry of attraction and lust it's how comfortable I feel, that has totally blown me out of the water.

So I am happy. Very happy, and long may it last!

(Oh, and Hiya Jellybean! Hope you like the post :-P )

"What's wrong Homer?Haven't you ever seen a naked chick riding a clam shell before?"

The picture is the Birth Of Venus, I have no idea why I picked this photo except that it is so beautiful and dreamlike. It makes me feel quite peaceful....which is a good thing, yesterday was a killer of a day and today I'm still feeling a bit touchy!In fact I'm feeling extremely touchy. I feel like I want to have a long sleep...a whole weekend in bed maybe! Just getting up to make tea and toast!

It feels like my brain has reached the limit of what it can handle at one time. Yesterday started ok, for a Tuesday, the day before had been awful and I'd found myself in the doctors having blood taken, after feeling ill and then getting a bit woozy, so Dr S just called me about an hour ago and my iron levels are low, so I am gonna have to go back on the iron tablets, and the great news is my cholesterol levels are down....nearly normal! So my lifestyle changes are working!So back to yesterday, I did my usual morning drop off of the kids and my morning chores, then I headed up to the childcare in the gym to drop off the baby and have my 45 minutes of me time, walking and singing along to my Mp3 player! Baby was having none of it....

So after about 10 minutes I headed to the gym, leaving a cranky little guy behind. I got ten minutes on the treadmill, my head was starting to clear, my body was beginning to get into a feelgood rhythm and my mood was lifting, the phone rang and it was the girl in the wobbler room, saying baby was very upset (I could hear him screaming the place down) so I had to go and collect him..... I walked into the room and his face lit up! He was so delighted to see me! I gave in and went home, popping into the shower and putting narky pants in his cot for a little rest. When I got out of the shower there were two missed calls on my mobile, and when I listened to the messages, my oldest son had collapsed in assembly and i needed to go and pick him up.

When I got to the school my son seemed ok, but it didn't stop his teacher asking me really obvious questions, like "did he eat today?" "maybe you should bring him to the doctor?" I felt pretty small, like I was a bad mother. Then I headed home (stopped in the chipper...I know I shouldn't have but I have my period and I am constantly craving carbs!) The afternoon was ok, except for putting a post on the group blog and it opening a can of worms that upset me. I headed to my folks then, as my mum was minding the weenies for me so I could go to my therapist. I went to therapy, it was a hard session, sometimes I come out feeling great but other times like yesterday I leave feeling heavy and bogged down in the negative things we spoke about. I was so upset I just had to grab the kids and then head home.

So yesterday was a horrible day, but it's over and today I managed 30 minutes on the treadmill before the baby freaked out and I am seeing my fella/boyfriend/bloke/ gentleman caller/ significant other? tonight! I have a load of bits to do between now and then but I am feelling a bit better just knowing I am escaping from the kids for a while!

Newton does the talking!

Newton is playing the Olympia on March 10th ( do I have the right date Jo?) So here is a little Newton to remind you how amazing he is! Jo and I saw him in the Village in December and we will definitely be there!

I love this song, it speaks to me, for lots of different reasons, but right now it kinda sums up how I feel about the person I'm seeing.....is that too much information? Gosh, I can never tell!

So Polka, is that enough to motivate you to watch it?

Stolen Property!

Bless me father, for I have sinned, It's been about 18 years since my last confession! Ok, so I stole this from Damien Mulley's blog.....but only cos I'm so crap with computers I can't hyperlink! I just love it so much, and it's so true........seriously girls try it!

Only the lonely (will need this service)

Ok, so my last post got me thinking, I am gonna have to ask mum and dad to take care of me after my operation, or at least take the kids and leave me with a flask of tea sandwiches and my painkillers beside the bed! My dad will probably bring me to and from the hospital, and I know if they couldn't one of my friends would help me, and while it's so not the same as your partner taking care of you I am still lucky to have all these people in my life who love me! But what if I didn't?

What if my family weren't around or too elderly to help? If I was living here alone? If I was just a loner, drifter, no support network of friends? We all say, no, and shake our heads "that couldn't happen" but for lots of people for lots of different reasons it does happen. So I have had an amazing idea (?). I will provide a service, I'll bring those people to the hospital, I'll pick them up afterwards and nurse them back to their prime with a combination of my amazing cooking, bedside manner (no dirty jokes) and lots of old episodes of sex in the city (or Fawlty Towers for the men). Obviously I won't do it out of the goodness of my heart and will charge a hefty fee (those Celtic tiger cubs have money to burn, but all that working doesn't leave much time for forming friendships) and for the underprivileged? The eastern health board can splash the cash!

Now I'm a true modern Irish woman, exploiting other peoples misfortune to my own advantage, like the people who run childcare facilities (I believe the people who run Guantanamo Bay are opening a lovely facility in Dublin 8) I feel? I feel.....like I need to shower!

Circle of Life!

I have decided to do several things this year, I can't believe that two and a bit weeks are already gone....running out of time! One of the things I am doing is being reproductively responsible and getting my tubes tied (well cut actually) and today I was visiting the doctor because I have been feeling really ill since last night (combination virus, bad period it turns out) but while visiting my very efficient doctor he checked me over, remembered he hadn't done my iron levels in a while (I got weak this morning...yay anemia) "sure we'll do a cholesterol test at the same time shall we?" How can the man get so excited about digging around in my arms looking for veins (I have apparently no veins....actually that's a lie, I do have veins, tiny, tiny veins that make having blood taken incredibly painful and makes the person taking the blood very angry...see the vicious circle?) He then remembered my son who was squirming in my arms crying while I had my bloods taken needed a shot, so while he was doing all this we were talking about my desire for permanent contraception.... in a way my four year old daughter wouldn't understand! I didn't have the heart to tell him she probably knew I definitely didn't want any more babies!

So apparently it's not as simple as I thought it would be. I am a public patient, now maybe if i were willing to go private it would be different, but I ain't and that's a whole other post! So I have three children between the ages of under one and nearly ten, I am 34 going on 35, I had complications on all of my pregnancies, the last time the complications happened after the birth and meant I had to be readmitted and needed seriously toxic drugs to moderate my blood pressure! Then there is the fact that none of my babies were planned, I am delighted to have them all but their (my) timing really sucked! Now I am finally getting my life under my own control I think I would have huge difficulty in coping with a crisis pregnancy, I don't believe in termination so I need a sure fire method of contraception.

What about the other methods of contraception that are out there I hear you say? Well name one and I'll have tried it....except the coil! I have had enough things in my womb thank you! I was on the pill from 18 until about 21, then due to the fact that (no matter which one I tried) it killed all sexual desire and made me a psycho bitch to live with, so much so that even if I had been horny the barring order my partner had sought would have kept me away from him! (That is a joke.....but it was bad!) Then I got a Diaphragm or "Dutch Cap" a little rubber skull cap I had to hook up inside me to cover my cervix, it needed to be insert hours before sex...so basically every day and then left in for eight ours afterwards, it was used with a load of spermicide, which my partner was allergic to, his cock swelled up to porn star measurements!(which sounds great, but it was painful) So I swapped my spermicide but it was still happening....he was allergic to the latex in the cap (a very common allergy guys, latex is what most condoms are made from now). So then we tried the Femidom......oh god, that has to be the least sexy thing ever invented, like a sandwich bag you insert in your yoni! Then there was the mini pill, again hormonal hell and finally we settled on a combination of natural method, coitus interuptus and condoms......there children later here I am, waiting to see a Doctor to plead with him to let me stop having children without having to stop having sex!


So I am begging for the right to say no more babies! I am begging for the right to have sex without worrying will the condom break and I'll wind up pregnant, is that really too much to ask? It kinda stinks of the old Catholic Ireland doesn't it? I'm not looking for an abortion, I just don't want anymore babies, why is that a problem? I do not want to have to have an operation, even keyhole surgery, when my doctor said they put a little camera in through the belly button I nearly puked, and then they cut two other holes, they inflate the abdomen and then do the job, it is a general anaesthetic but should be a one day job with no need for an overnight. I did get a funny feeling in my tummy when doctor said I'd need someone to drop me off and pick me up from hospital, take care of me for a day or two, I know my mum and dad will do it, but you know......

Anyway I am in the funny position of the other thing I have already started to do being related to babies and Holles street, I have applied to return to college in October, and my number one and number two choices are midwifery! I know! Ironic or what? I don't want to have anymore of my own babies so I can study to help other women have their own babies! Fingers crossed I get a place guys it's tough competition, only 20 places on the two courses one in UCD and one in Trinity!

Blog awards!

So it's my first time as a blogger at the time of the blog awards...my ex has been involved for the last couple of years but I was never invited! To tell you the truth it seemed a bit geeky and self indulgent (which of course it is) and I didn't want to be involved in it!

But in May when I started my own blog I had no idea where it would lead me, I've met new people, some of whom have become friends and I've found a way of expressing my voice where for so long I'd felt invisible and unimportant!

So when a friend told me they were looking for people to judge the many, many blogs they have nominated this year I thought it would be a great idea! Might open my eyes to some of the blogs I wouldn't see otherwise!

Can't wait for the night itself! Will have to buy a new dress! It will be odd to be in a room with people who's blogs I've read and not know who is who, while knowing so much about them!

Weight Watchers Revisited!

Yesterday I headed to my first Weight Watchers class since a week or so before Christmas, and I was dreading it, convinced that with two weeks of eating drinking and no gym I would have gained back at least half a stone! I went and was full of apologies as I stepped on the scale, to my total horror I'd only gained a pound...a pound! I can't believe it and I'm sure next week there will be an upward swing!

Now I get to the nucleus of the problem, I am finding it difficult, not physically, I feel lovely, curvy, sexy, but I am finding the shift in thinking difficult. I posted earlier about how i feel, about the changes, and I understand that people think I am a bit crazy, I should be delighted (and I am) at finally being in control of my appetite, exercising and eating healthily. But There is part of me that feels like I am changing in a direction that I didn't want to go down. The physicality is everything way of thinking.

After spending so long believing in inner beauty and the importance of celebrating difference I feel like I am selling out in some way, I'm becoming more conformist with each pound I lose, I fit the mold a little more. And I really don't want to conform! I've started to wear mad different coloured nail varnish (something I haven't done since my 20's) I bought a red fake fur jacket to wear, maybe when I am bigger I feel like I stand out, but now I blend in more! But generally I felt more invisible when I was bigger....it's a funny paradox! OK, off to clean my filthy house now!!!

Beth Baby!

I figured I'd give Beth a goodbye! Seriously how could anyone not find her energy sexy!

Bye Bye Beth!

Regular readers of my blog know who the lovely lady in the photo is,the Gossip's Beth Ditto, maybe you saw Johnaton Woss talk road kill dinners with her recently! She is my hero, she and I weighed the same until recently and now I have left her behind, moving into more petite sizes, I miss identifying with a strong female figure, I had a therapy session today and talked about my need to stake out my space in the world, my own right to exist....but the truth is the smaller I get the less entitled I feel to that space, I feel sexier and more attractive, but conversely I feel less of a person, I'm smaller I take up less space!

Tonight I did something weird, I moved all my size 18 (and size 20 fat day) jeans to the blanket box at the end of my box, I have bought four pairs of size 16 jeans and they now live in that drawer! It was hard, and I am afraid to throw the size 18 out, if I do it's like saying I'm never gonna be that size again, and I don't think I can say that! I have naturally been that size most of my adult life, I don't know if I can rule out six months of happiness not returning me to that place!

I'm like a cat, when I am happy I get fat......So in a way everyone telling me how amazing I look, and how I have a tiny waist and an hourglass figure, it just reminds me that I am sad and that's why I am skinny! Well skinny for me! I am happy to look sexy, and I surprise surprise have a sexy figure, perfect hourglass....doesn't matter what size but now that I have a waist I am a real womanly woman... Maybe I hid behind the flab for a reason? I don't know. I have 38 inches at my chest and 39 on my hips....nearly perfect, but it is sexy!

So now I have to move on, say goodbye to my heroes, but they still are heroes, why do women feel the need to be perfect...? It's a bloody joke, no man worth his salt wants that, and if he did no woman worth her salt would want him. A woman is curvy, (well most of us, some of us are pointy and that's good too, diversity is a wonderful thing) and men love those bits we hate....please don't point out your cellulite or saggy boobs to a man....they really don't care, and if you point out your faults they will focus on them!

Most men, and please guys correct me if I';m wrong, are just so delighted to get a girl into bed they don't see anything but a lovely girly fleshy blob!

Ok, that's it, but while posting this I have to tell yo I've eaten 2 bags of Skips a chocolate sweet and two coconut creams....it's my first weight watchers after Christmas tomorrow morning and I figure I might as well be 6 pounds up as four!!!

Sweet Sixteen

It's official I am shrinking, I'm now a shrinking size 16 and not a shrinking size 18! I feel amazing, I'm still never gonna be slim, and I wouldn't want to be, I love the extra curvy bits I have! But I feel so sexy! I have an hourglass figure, I go in at the waist, and I look great!

Just wanted to share that with you, to most people being excited about being a size 16 seems a bit odd, but I was a size 22 at one point so this is just amazing! I am gonna keep shrinking I suppose, but even if I never lost another ounce I am perfect just as I am, right now!

Happy Birthday!

Ok Guys, keep Saturday April the 5th free! It's the night after my birthday, and it's party time! Part of me is debating hiring a room and having a full on party, but maybe that's a bit too much? Maybe just some food in Cafe Bar deli and then a load of tequila in the pub? Followed by some (shock horror) dancing! I know I don't dance....well when I am 35 I will! So my fellow bloggers I'll be expecting you all to mark the date in your calender!

Smug Marrieds!

OK, so it's Sunday alright......I kept my promise! It was extremely difficult! I am in Waterford city, staying in the home of my oldest friend and her husband. Now I made it down late Friday evening, so we had a pizza and some wine then a movie, and today I had a lovely facial and then went shopping with my friend. I did well I bought a lovely top to wear with jeans for my 35th birthday party in April.....come on guys, get organising, I have been through so much this year I deserve a mad night out!(See I can do a good guilt trip!) I also bought an amazing red fake fur jacket....I know! It's a bit $20 hooker but I like it, and I decided that it really doesn't matter what anyone thinks of me or how I dress.

So after shopping we picked up an Indian from a lovely restaurant and headed back to the house, we ate, had a few beers and by twenty to eight we were slumped in front of the TV. Now I'm in a totally different situation from my friend she is happily married with her partner of nearly ten years, I am single (well, I'm not married, I am seeing someone "going out with someone", but I was down here on my own and I thought we might have gone to the local of a bit of a laugh, maybe even the local hick disco for a bit of a bop! But no I logged on to check my mail and update my face book, she lay on the sofa with the dog on her tummy while her hubby sorted through old invoices.

Now they weren't being mean, this to them is a lovely relaxing evening, but can I point out one thing, they have no children, they have no idea of the luxury of babysitting, they when you have the kids you are stuck in the house unless you pay for a babysitter, to them it's not a big deal to go out, or to stay in! Then at ten my friends husband yawned and retired for the evening, my friend lasted until ten forty five, and I'm still up at five to one in the morning! OK, I am gonna try to read myself to sleep! Home by lunchtime tomorrow to be with the crazy children! I have to be honest, I didn't miss them......sorry! It took me a whole day to unclench and then I was just so enjoying having no restrictions on my time! I'll write a post tomorrow about my few days away!

Goodbye my Friends!

Okay guys I am away from the computer until Sunday! I am gonna try to stick to that......hopefully! I am working on my new years resolutions between now and then, take care!

Secret Love!

Okay, so here it is, I love Doris Day! I mean L O V E her! I love her in everything she has been in, with Rock Hudson especially, now there was a couple! But my favorite has to be her as Calamity Jane, I know, I know cliched and pseudo lesbian "secret love"....yeah, sure that was about the guy, not the girl she asked to move into her shack with her!

I suppose as a little girl I loved the idea of being a cowgirl, I was a tomboy anyway and I loved to hold my own with the lads on my road, I so wasn't girly in anyway at all! But I remember loving Calamity Jane, it had all my Tom boyishness combined with singing and dancing, which I loved. As I've spoken about on my blog previously romance and love to me involved singing and dancing, oh and being swept into a mans arms, and kissed whether I wanted to be or not (I know, I know....so sad!)

I saw a documentary about lesbian and gay cinema a few years ago and of course Calamity Jane was mentioned, and I can see the hidden meaning, but it's scary that just cos a woman in a film is a strong female character we assume she is a lesbian!

I love Doris's other films too, I like the one with Sinatra, Young at Heart, that's a tear jerker and a half, and pillow talk is an all time classic! I love her style, the blonde hair, the sexy but coy look, the two piece suits and the swing coats! I wanted to be her and I wanted to kiss her....I know, how weird is that! I suppose she just seemed soo good, so sweet and kind ans sexy in a very safe and nonthreatening way.

Will the real Slim Sammy please stand up!

I know it's a crappy picture but this is my new snake, sooo cute! Much more active than the last guy too! But considering the last guy escaped maybe that's not a good thing?