Total Honesty.....

Ok, so I really wanted to post a photo here...but for some reason technology hates me...Blogger keeps telling me it hates me anyway and that there is a security risk connected to me putting a picture on my blog.....ARGHHHHHHH!

So last post I said I was gonna be more honest and authentic, I have to say my Ex was fascinated with this, "what are you gonna write about now? Jesus not more stuff about our sex life?" Surely now we are no longer together (current boyfriend quakes in his boots) I can write whatever I want about our sex life, providing it's true? So my next post will be on the use of food in sex play!

My darling ex husband misunderstood me, while I love writing about sex....keep wondering if I could just do a Belle De Jour and totally write a erotica blog, now that would be fascinating! But when I said i was gonna be more honest I was talking about two things, firstly being more honest about my genuine feelings, at times recently even in my blog I have censored myself as I haven't wanted to upset my ex who I know reads this and his lovely girlfriend, who I know tries not to read this, I'm not gonna do that anymore guys, so if it gets upsetting sorry, but this is my space in the universe and if i worry about hurting your feelings guys I'm gonna go crazy! OK?

Secondly, and this is where blogger thinks there is a security risk, I want to publish a photo of me. I feel like i don't hide behind my anonymity, I think i am genuine and there is nothing I say in my blog that I would not stand over. I will not name myself or my babies or ex or current partners, I am not gonna make a habit of publishing photos of myself, but in the spirit of honesty I want to do this, maybe I'll feel like less of a lurker?

And the photo, well it was taken by Remus at the Blog awards on Saturday night and I think it shows me, like I am, I was talking to my boyfriend, saying I felt old, I'll be 35 in a few weeks and in a few days I will have been a mum for 10 years! I was looking at the photos from Saturday, and I think I look well, but older....In my head I suppose I'm still that open faced 24 year old girl standing on top of the Arc DE Triumphe, but the pictures now show a closed face tired mother of three!

So guys, there I am......make of me what you will, blogger, nearly 35, separated mother of 3.....I do have great boobs though!

Celebrate!!!!

OHMIGOD!

I am back in the real world.....my wonderful nerdilicious friends Polka and Atreus fixed my laptop.....when it looked like it was for the knackers yard! They also sorted out my desktop....which I am using now....sad I know, but I'm scared to use my laptop incase I destroy it again!

The last week has been hellish, the loss of my computer meant I had no way to express myself. That's quite sad isn't it? That ther is something in me that needs to be expressed in this manner! I have felt myself slipping into a dark night of the soul kind of mood! Not good, not good at all. I found my conversations with people about very mundane things became riddled with anger and angst, I was telling myself to shut the fuck up and stop being so narky but it just wasn't working!

This all happened the week of the blog awards, I had a ball and I met such wonderful writers and photographers but I have to admit to feeling humbled, I never think I'm a good writer, I write down the mad rambling voice in my head that I've carried around for nearly 35 years now....but I never think that's writing, and after meeting fellow bloggers and talking to them I feel a bit like a Dickie Rock impersonator after meeting the man himself! Totally like my wig has slipped and my Naas accent is ruining the show!

I am not looking for any affirmation here now lads and lassies, I'm just expressing what's been going on in my little walnut of a noggin! I have been wondering why I blog, I realised on Saturday that people have a reason to do it, they want to start businesses or they want book deals....neither of which I can see coming out of my mad ramblings! I seem to just vent in a semi public place I suppose? I also like to tell funny stories, but I'm the first to admit I've lost my sparkle a bit recently and I don't think I'm quite the Joan Rivers I once was (oh have you seen her jewellery line on QVC.....wow! I watched a lot of QVC when pregnant, I developed pregnancy insomnia, oh and pregnancy nymphomania.....poor husband, middle of the night being pinned down by a randy rhino!)So Why do I continue to blog?

I know it's a form of social interaction for me in a way, I like to read other blogs, see what other people write, but I am not a great commentor as I get sucked into writing comments that are way too personal and detailed. Some of our great award winning bloggers like Una, Sinead and Twenty intimidate me with their writing styles that I don't comment...I lurk, in my dirty mac and oversized sunglasses. I liked it on Saturday when people who had seen this silly little diary said they had gotten something from reading it, they feel like they have experienced the highs and lows of the past 10 months. That made me smile, because I have felt a bit like that too.

You know that poem "Footprints" the one about God carrying you through the bad times, I love that, to me it's not God but love and positive energy in the universe but the idea is the same and to me this silly little excercise in narcissism has carried me. At times when I just wanted to drink a bottle of vodka and not think for a few months I have often found more support here than from my flesh and blood old skool friends, probably because I often hide the truth from those who love me, because I love them too and to see the hurt and fear for me in their eyes is just too much to bear sometimes. I am trying to be more honest with them, but it looks like the woman who couldn't tell a lie has become decietful throught heartache!

So I am delighted to be back in the world of the blogging. I am gonna try to be more faithful aswell, and maybe more honest here to, if I tell you the truth being shortlisted for the blog award made me feel self conscious, I felt like my soul was being judged, I was more gaurded that I wanted to be!

So in the next few days I intended to tell you the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth....anyone have any questions they really want answered? Any lurkers out there....like I lurk on other peoples blog corners? I'd love to meet in some kind of blog lurker support group, swap tips on how to get stains out of Macs?

Saturday Night Fever!

I apologise for having no picture here.....I would like a nice picture of everyone at the blog awards having a ball, or even just a good picture of my boobs or blue patent leather shoes (tackyarama)! But my computer has died...totally, the motherboard has died and gone to computer heaven! So tonight I am using my lovely boyfriends computer, but being such technophobe I haave no idea of how to get a picture here!

So on Saturday it was the blog universe event of the year! The Bloscars or Bloggies! I had a totally amazing time! I was quite tame and well behaved, as on Friday night I had just totally lost the plot....now don't judge me too harshly, but I had a whole bottle of white wine, five JD and Coke....Saturday morning...not pretty! So Saturday night I stuck to the Coors light (a totally girly drink I'm sure you'll agree, only an idiot would think it was anything else....) I had about six, which is nothing really for a mad night out!

After all of my angsting over what to wear I had a costume malfunction on Saturday evening....never mind the fact thaat I was so so so hungover I couldn't attend the ladies bloggers tea in the Market Bar which sounded like such good fun, I was too hungover to make my hair appointment, then while getting dressed I realised I had a hole in the ass of my dress.......Fuck! So I had to go to the wardrobe and find something else to wear! I pulled out my top I'd bought for my birthday in April, I had ruled it out earlier cos it's so booby! I think I made the right decision as my girls got a lot of compliments on Saturday, them and my shoes! I felt grand after a fish and chips dinner!

So we rolled into the Alexander for the awards and there I met up with loads of the for nine pounders, and their lovely other halves, who were all looking amazingly fabulous. I found the awards really enjoyable, the ceremony was really enjoyable with a load of lovely little funny vinettes featuring George bush introducing the blog catagories, now anything you want to know about the blogs is on loads of other blogs so I won't go into who did what and who won what! Needless to say it was great and well deserving bloggers won! I also met all the lovely other bloggers I'd been dying to meet, and I won't list them all either, cos I'll defintley forget someone! The only person I was dying to meet aand missed out on was Keynoter, so if you are reading this I'll hopefully see you with Jo soon for a coffee!

I loved every minute of saturday, I loved the feeling of community, of a room full of 400 quirky outsiders, which is what I see bloggers as (that's a huge compliment from me guys!) I love the diversity of people, from interests and opinions to types of blogs. It was so lovely to feel part of something, something with no limits, no restrictions, no constrictions on who can and can't blog, maybe that's why some people don't like it, they like to have control of who says what, where and when!

Anyway, I will try to blog again soon! I miss it so much, I feel like I'm up in an ivory tower away from all my friends! Well I'll try to get back to reality as soon as possible, I miss you, and I love you......

Shoes vs Boots!

The Blog awards are on Saturday night,now they aren't all normal formal blog awards, with round tables and plates of inedible turkey and ham in some undefinable "gravy" they are just the awards and then everyone get to socialise together, now having not ever been there myself (I'm a blog awards virgin, please be gentle) I assume this means afterwards everyone gets drunk, and if there is music that will involve some Irish drunken dancing.....BTW midget wranglers don't dance!

Now my main concern as a wrangler of the feminine persuasion is what to wear? I had decided on a nice pair of jeans, sexy top and red fake fur muppet/fraggle hooker jacket. But my inner girly just loves to dress up, I love dresses, in particular the very swirly girly swingy ones! So I purchased a beautiful chiffonish one (my boyfriend looked at it and said, Jesus you'll be freezing!) I really like it, it's very cute, very me! But now the major issue.....shoes!

I love shoes....not the normal ones we wear for walking around everyday but really high (I'm only 5 foot one inch!) I like a good four inch heel, makes me at least less ooompa Lumpa like! But if i wear the shoes I really want to wear on Saturday I will be unable to walk....unless i bring a big bag with my sneakers in it for later! Why does it have to be like this, why can't there be a perfect pair of shoes of me, I can see them now....Red patent leather, 4" stiletto heel, real fuck me shoes, but fuck me shoes you could walk in, Jesus I'd wear them all day long!

Another question why do men like fuck me boots more than fuck me shoes?? Now it's grand cos I have a lovely pair of lace up the back serious fuck me boots (only worn once) which are comfortable enough, but shoes are so much sexier! I love the way my lower legs look in high heels, and I have a fixation with fishnets, I think there is something so sexy and timeless about high heels and fishnets, OK so boots look well with a very short skirt I suppose, but is it not a bit to hookery?

Jesus, I am all excited now! Talking about shoes gets my blood pumping, I'm gonna go look in my wardrobe now, there must be a pair that I can walk in but that still look sexy? I do have a few pairs of red shoes in my wardrobe, my Dorothy in the wizard of Oz fixation! Gosh I'd love a really sparkly pair of red shoes. I don't have those in my collection! Once I have the shoes sorted there is the underwear debate, bra or corset, tights, stockings or hold ups? I love getting ready for a good night out, in fact the getting dressed up while you have a glass of wine is probably the best bit, savouring the freedom, no disappointments yet, all giggly and excited Yay!

Role on Saturday night!

Just realised I've written a post about my fetish love for shoes and underwear....maybe there is life in the filthy old dog (bitch) yet?

Midget Wrangler....she's filthy!

I got my fluffy link badge from Damien Mulley this week, my ex partner actually claimed it for me! and apparently when my ex told him who I was Damien's reaction was "Midget Wrangler she's filthy"..."I'll have to read back over those old posts....." Fire ahead if you want to know what lights my ex's fire...or at least what used to!

I was kinda down heartened though....yes at one point my blog was filthy, I didn't see that as wrong though, I don't see sex as dirty or immoral, i see sex as an extremely important of peoples relationships, and i could never see myself in a relationship where the words "I love you" were enough to do away with the need to show your need for your partner physically! But does that make me wrong? If something happened that meant I couldn't show affection physically for my partner, how would that work?

Now I know some people disagree, and that people have different sexual appetites, But I think sexual attraction is essential in a romantic relationship, I suppose in particular in the early days, and it needs to be serious to survive the lean times ahead, when you are arguing over the ESB bill....

As for me being filthy, I disagree. When I wrote about my sex life I was in a relationship for more than a decade, I was not out shagging around, my blog is an outlet to express what was happening in my life and I'd entered my mid thirties, had my third child and I was trying to figure out who I was, how my relationship was changing, how I was changing sexually. My then partner had no problem in me talking about our sex life, i do wonder how it is for him now, though, it's there in black and white? My new partner does not want me to mention our sex life here so out of respect for what we have I don't. But it does not mean my feelings about openness and honesty have changed.

We can talk about so many things in modern life, but I have found that as thirty somethings we still struggle with talking about sex, it's always giggly and a bit silly, we seem to revert to behind the bike shed gossipers "I hear if you do it standing on your head you get pregnant straight away! Everyone knows babies come out through your belly button! Did you know women have teeth 'down there'!" Think that last one was probably put around by the local priest!

It's a repression thing, an Irish Catholic thing, it's why most of our dating rituals involve the pub and alcohol! It's also why kids are sexually unprepared, levels of sexually transmitted diseases are off the chart, teenage pregnancies are rife, and sex is seen as something to be gotten on with, just lose the cherry asap cos it's gonna be crap and no one wants to be a virgin at 15! If we could change Irish society's fundamental repression then our children might feel more comfortable in their own skins and their own sexuality would be something to embrace and enjoy, safely "mum I need to go to the Family Planning Clinic", "great I'll just get my purse", not " WHAT! Oh my God, you slut, as long as you live under my roof you won't have sex, we are not going there, you are only 14...lalala la I can't hear you!" Maybe I'm totally wrong, but my daughter and son are answered honestly if they ask questions about anything, including sex, now the answers are age appropriate, but I feel if I make it OK to talk about it now then as they get older the lines of communication will be kept open.

Maybe it will be easier as a woman to talk to my daughter, but I'm in the position where I'll be a single mum with two sons, they need to feel unembarrassed enough to be able to talk freely to me too.....Gosh, I have to attempt to raise that rare creature, an unrepressed Irish male! In fact I've to raise two of them! Wish me luck!

This is Kate Nash.

She is a singer I really like.

I have two tickets for her gig on Monday night in the Olympia.

I have nobody to go with me .

I am so desperate to go, and I hate going alone that I am asking the blogesphere to help.....I am bad at asking for things, but I'm changing that, so here goes....

If there is anyone out there who fancies seeing Kate Nash on Monday let me know, the cost? Well a couple of beers and listening to me singing totally out of tune!

Interested?

Free at Last!

I had my last therapy session today......freedom, horrible, horrible freedom! So now all that remains to be seen is will Tuesdays improve or continue to be my most hated day? Today was actually a good day, I was feeling a bit crap this morning, I seem to have a period that is taking fecking weeks to arrive!!! I mean it, I've bloody cramps and horrible mood swings, eating bread and chocolate....yes I know, but it's an insatiable hunger, well it is satiable, one piece of dark choc Toblerone a day does it! But still? The day improved as it went along, I was busy and I kept my mind engaged, I haven't looked at computer all day, maybe that's a good thing?

So my last session and I had to bring everything together, basically sum up my experience of therapy and what I felt had come of it, what had i discovered about myself.... easy enough to do? Not really, remember the therapist has a perfect memory and remembers exactly what I've said about everything (that's how they make sure you aren't lying) but I can't remember everything cos some weeks I was hysterical and upset! I did come to several conclusions which I'd like to share if you don't mind?

One, I have low self esteem brought on by the fact that as a young child I was often made to feel unimportant, not quite good enough, example a childs painting or drawing, my dad would often point out how I could make it better...therefore it wasn't good enough as it was and I wasn't good enough as i was. Conversely my mother never had time to look at pictures.

Two, my parents were bad parents, they both told me from a very young age that they wished they hadn't had children. They fought a lot and my dad drank a lot, he told me in the early hours of one morning after they'd had a physical fight that it was my fault, I was the eldest, if they hadn't had kids their lives would have been happy.

Three, I always felt like my marraige wasn't going to last, my experiences of men are not good...I distrust them, my mum pities men "what do you expect? He's only a man" and on Christmas Eve when I was nine and my brother was six they fought and our dad asked us who we wanted to live with him or my mum, we both said mum and he drove off, he was back by christmas morning, there is the annual photo of us that morning which I hate, I have kept it in a album though, I look so sad, I have to say the twinkle is gone out of my eyes. My parents still argue, they stayed together, tied tightly to each other by bitterness, i don't think marraige works.

Four, I am afraid to ask for things because I fear rejection, if I ask for a favour from someone, I have to really psyche myself up, if they say no I personally feel rejected. Rationally I know this is silly, if I say no to a request I'm not rejecting that individual but for me it's different. My parents made me work too hard for everything, both physically and emotionally, nothing was ever given easily or without some sort of emotional cost, i feel like that now with my ex partner (although I didn't feel that way in the relationship).

Five, I strive to be perfect, because if I am perfect people will like and accept me (for people read my parents..inner child needs a hug) I have to remember I am only human, and my parents were only human and my children are only human, "Good enough" is good enough!

I am a loving, caring, intelligent, beautiful, interesting woman, I have discovered what I want from life and I have the tools to get it, I need the courage to ask for the help and rescourses to get there! Today was the end of my therapy, the end of the relationship with my therapist but the begining of a new chapter in my life, no, actually like a brand new 120 page copy book when I was in school, the excitement I got when I wrote on that first perfectly smooth page!

I hope this post wasn't too me me me! But then feck it it's my bloomin blog! It's all me me me!

For Jo!

I realised how rude I am this morning, I never thanked my friend Jo for the lovely afternoon she provided for the weenies and myself on Thursday!

From the beautiful rhyming invitation she sent to my little people, to the beautiful tea she had prepared for the wee ones, including yummy rice krispies squares! There were balloons, party hats and mini bubbles!

Then my wonderful friend did a lovely warm goats cheese salad, because she remembered a post where I mentioned my desire to live a lifestyle that allowed me to only eat goats cheese salad and drink white wine! That's a friend with attention to detail!

Then when we were leaving Jo had a lovely gift for me, violet sweets (my favorite) and some erotica! What more could a body ask for?

So thanks so much Jo.

X

I can see clearly now....

Tuesday was a really awful day, really, but the comments and support I got from everyone in the blog universe really helped, so thank you all.

My Therapist had a wonderful treat when I showed up on Tuesday evening for my session, I was already in tears when I walked in, that's a first! We talked about everything that was going on in my life that had caused me to feel so low on Tuesday (I scanned back through the blog and exactly a month ago I had the same kind of day...but anyone dare to suggest it's purely hormonal and I'll skin them alive!)Now where is that tub of double triple choco icecream!

So I talked to her about what was gonning on with me, why I thought I was feeling the way I was, and It comes down to me never thinking I am good enough, I get tired and frustrated but I'm afraid to ask for help because I think people won't do it for me, that they don't like me enough, that maybe they only like me if I am doing things for them. My entire life I have taken care of other people, putting their needs and desires before my own, and the core of that is a feeling of worthlessness!

Now that's a scary thought, that all of my actions for as long as I can remmber were motivated by what I thought was love and concern for others but actually it was a double jepordy situatuion, I'll give them no choice but to like me, I'll be the best friend, the best hostess, the cleverest cook, and then they'll have no choice but to like me, but of course everyone likes a doormat.....to wipe their feet on!

Another thing tied into this is my new guy, I find it difficult to feel worthy of his depth of emotion, I just can't see what he sees in me! He is amazingly kind and generous with his time, he likes to cook for me, insisting that I don't help out, which I find so difficult, because if I amn't taking care of him why would he like me.....? He really couldn't like me "just the way I am", I can't have found my Mark Darcy, can I? Btw, my middle name is Brigit! Seriously!

Then Dr. Headshrinker and I spoke about this, my blog, I mentioned the shortlisting for the Bloggies, and again I tried to explain to her what a blog was.....I spent one 45 minute session previously trying to make her understand, anyway I could tell she thought the blog was significant, she perked up a bit, see just as she is reading my body language I've become an expert in hers! "Midge, when you talk about the blog you are smilling and proud, and yet what you write about there is your true self, you aren't doing anything to get peoples approval, you allow yourslf to be upset or annoyed or wallow in self pity? It's more the real you than any other part of your life? And yet people respond to that, they get nothing from it, you aren't thinking about the readers needs, just your own. People respond to that, to the real you?"

So what she was trying to make me see was that here in the blog I am probably more myself than I am anywhere else in my life right now and I just need to turn this cyber me into flesh and blood me! Hard work, changing the habits of a lifetime, but it has to be worth doing!

Oh and I'd like the new me to be taller, with better skin! Weird Science anyone?

In a land far far away......

Now, before I begin I am warning you, if you have been enjoying my blog recently, thinking how far I've come and how great my attitude has been, don't read this post....ok?

So, once upon a time there was a little girl who didn't believe in prince charming or living happily ever after or even the future of the planet earth! She believed in doom and destruction, the clothes she made for her Sindy dolls were made from the fabric used to line coffins in her fathers place of work. She didn't play mummy with baby dolls and the aforementioned Sindy dolls were fashion designers and doctors living in apartments in rathmines and Ranelagh, they were also probably lesbians as her brothers action men never got a look in with them!

Now that little girl grew into a bigger girl and then a bigger teenager, she had friends who were boys but didn't go all soft and soppy over thm the way her friends did, she still believed the world was doomed and why would anyone want to reproduce in a world like that, why would anyone want to reproduce, full stop! A late bloomer at sixteen this girl had her first boyfriend, first french kiss (yuckity yuck), first experience of hormonal lust....it was ok, but he was an idiot and he said she laughed too loud, I think he felt she lived too loud really!

Then at 17 and 3/4 she did something, something silly, something she regrets to this day, she kissed her best friend (male), they fell in love and from then on they shared their cynical opinions on how awful a place the world was and how society was a crock of shite and they were the only ones who made any sense, wrapped in a cocoon of self satisfaction and their own egos they floated through their teens and early twenties.

So our princess had found her prince charming and although he didn't have a white horse he did have a student monthly bus ticket, and there was no magical kingdom with a crystal palace, but there were a series of rented houses in various locations, eventually our golden couple married, in a secret registry office service, they said it was for family reasons and neither of them believed in marraige, but our heroine just didn't believe she deserved a wedding. She was happy though, she believed it wasn't the wedding it was the marraige, and two people more suited to each other would have been difficult to find!

Now the dwarfs, every story needs dwarfs! Our heroes had decided not to have children, they were young and their desires to finish their education, travel and live a little didn't seem selfish. But fate had other ideas, and after months of denial she discovered she was with child, sitting on the loo, with the fourth positive test in her hand sobbing as her prince charming did the dance of the virile fertile man! She was a good (if ill) pregnant woman, reading all the books, going to all the classes, not even looking at a drink or piece of stinky cheese, eating all the (apple) pies. He was the expectant first time father, they seemed so happy, but she was becoming resentful of him, and he was withdrawing from her and they new life they were about to begin.

Years passed and our couples golden glow dimmed, as they had another two dwarfs and the walls closed in around them, there were windows and doors in the walls of course but our heroine was afraid to use them, if she went out would she ever come back? Then one day her prince decided enough was enough and he was gonna step outside, there was no wicked witch, no siren, no golden pot of treasure at the end of the rainbow, but the hostile and scary, dark deep lonely forest outside the walls of their home was more appealling than what lay inside.

Now our heroine was trapped in the cabin in the woods with the dwarfs, who looked to her for comfort and reassurance, but now the cabin door and windows had shrunk and it was even getting difficult to see outside, or for people to see in. The dwarfs were growing and seemed to suck all the life out of our heroine so she often felt like there wasn't enough air to breathe, or enough space to even string a thought together in her head! Some days she dreamt of a life beyond the walls of her cabin, squeezing out of a window when the dwarfs are snoring, other times the oblivion of a poision apple or a bottle of wine call to her. I don't know what happened to her, but I do know if she had never let herself be fooled by fairtayles and hormones she'd be living the life her Sindy dolls were!

So today my friends, is not a good day, I cannot stop crying, I am tired, I feel like a piece of elastic pulled too far. I have nothing left today, the children are requiring inner strenght I just don't have, So far this morning I've eaten a bowl of cereal, a slice of bread and butter and a chunk of a giant dark chocolate toblerone. My blog has been shortlisted for an award, as has the group blog, I want to buy a nice dress for the night....so why am I eating? I want to go to Jo's on Saturday night but I have a huge cluster of acne on my chin that makes me look like a plague victim....don't worry jo, if I'm not coming I'll still drop the food over! My ex is struggling to support us financially, and I am worried how that is gonna go, I feel guilty cos he has to support us, yet I am in no position to work (childcare for 3 children).

I feel like crap, I wish my life was a fairytale, cos I know I'm a good person and good people are always ok in fairytales, they find a hen that lays golden eggs, or a magic porridge pot or they are kissed by a handsome prince from a far away land and they wake up to disover it was all a dream and they go on to make the same mistakes all over again!

I Heart Science!

Let me explain, I am a hippy dippy type, I dropped science at the end of first year in secondary school, cos I wanted to do art, and art and science don't mix? Well last night I was in the new Science Gallery in Trinity college and I see that they do! There are some lovely instillations the show is called Light wave and it's excellnt, there was a 3D projection of the sun, something based on the northern Lights and a daylight room to beat that winter SAD! It was really great!

I was there with Mr Science (like the new tag?) there is a cafe there and they were holding an Alchemist cafe talk, which is when a lot of people interested in science get togther to talk about a particular topic, so last night it was Dr Peter Gallagher an astrophysicist, talking about the true cost of space travel, and was it worth the billions of euro/dollars put into it. Now I really enjoyed it, except for the odd weirdos... People who had obviously spent far too long thinking about this! One guy was really a bit crazed, and of course as I predicted at half time break he move seats to the empty seat beside me! Now Mr Science thought this was very funny, I managed to convey to him that we were leaving, I was not comfortable sitting beside a science obcessive! So we snuck away, but I was glad, I was starving and it was after nine.

So we wandered over to my car, through Trinity, now it's been nearly ten years since I was a student in Trinity, but the flash backs! I have to say it was the happiest time in my life, it was when I felt most at home! It was as if I'd found my place in the scheme of things. So walking past the arts block, remembering the (I know very bad) smoking outside in the cold, drinking tea from styrofoam cups and worrying about the essay I was working on (oh to have worries like that now) Sitting on the grass in the spring, talking about the future, about dreams, aspirations, about who we were all going to be! So It was bittersweet being there, i don't know how I'd feel if I'd gone into a lecture theatre, I suppose I'd remember the excitement, that feeling of what will we discover today, will I ever understand this philosophical theory (probably not!) I want that again, and I will do anything to get it! I may be older and wrinklier but I'm the same square peg in a round hole and I want to exprience all those things again!

Anyway, we went back to his place, where we drank some wine and cooked some food togther which we enjoyed as we talked and looked at some of his old photos. It was just so nice, such a different evening, but perfect, one of the things I really like about Mr Science is that he is making me step outside of my comfort zone and do new things I'd never have done before! I think it's one of the great things about relationships, or friendships, each person brings something different to the table and that enriches the other persons experience of life.

Beautiful Day!

Ok, so the picture has nothing to do with my post....but it's a picture of my bunny suit (not me in it though!) I just have been looking for a reason to post it and I don't talk about my sex life anymore...so unless I go to an "adult" fancy dress party I'm not gonna be posting about wearing it!

So today started badly, my baby was ill, he has had a cough and a runny nose for a little while now, but I thought it was just a teething thing! But it has been getting worse and last night we both had very broken sleep. So this morning I decided it was a good idea to bring him to my GP, although he hadn't a tempature you really can't take risks with a 10 month old!

So children dispatched to school and Montessori I passed on my weight watchers indoctrinating for this week and headed with the baby to the doctor, so turns out it's just a headcold, my doc perscribed saline nose drops and gave me a script for an antibiotic if he hasn't improved by the weekend, he's a good Dr, walks the middle line between giving or not giving antibiotics. So safe in the knowledg that my little prince would be alright I headed into Dundrum, it was 11.30 at this time and I had an hour to kill.

I parked in a place I never park in and when Iwas on my way up in the lift I got chatting to a woman whith a little girl the same age as my baby, I was struck by how big my guy is, and we were laughing because she was her second, he was my third and I'd just gotten a perscription for the pill from the doctor....maybe you had to be there, but it was funny! So I was laughing away as she went one way and I went another, I hear "Midge?" and I turn around to see one of my dearest friends coming towards me, after lots of hugging and "you look greats" we headed off to have a lovely bowl of soup for our unexpected lunch and catch up. I am delighted to report that her life is in a great place and it was a joy to spend a little time with her.

When I was just sitting down to eat my phone rang and it was my friend asking if she could keep my daughter for the afternoon, to amuse her little guys, totally unexpected, but it meant I could relax, and I did! When lunch finished I headed to do some window shopping, I have lost weight recently as you know, and now as a size 16 there are shops I can shop in now that I've never shopped in before, So I ventured into River Island and tried on a few things....I can't possibly explain how that feels, and why I hadn't ventured there before now. So what can I say, I was bad, I bought a lovely wrap around top....my first ever purchase in River....that's a milestone!

I headed home, fed the baby, did some domestic stuff, my daughter was in my friends, my son has art after school, so I was alone until 3.45.....bliss! I had spent some time preparing a nice spinach,vegetable and chicken curry, which they have just inhaled! Now I have had ten minutes to post about mt perfect day, and it's not even over yet, I'm heading out to a science thing with my man! The home for some wine and snuggling! I'll tell you what, life is good, and when it's good there's nothing better! And sometimes life throws the most beautiful days at you when you totally don't expect it!

Wife Swap!

I watched Wife Swap on Channel four tonight, and I am wondering why? Why do people do it? Why do they do it to their children, the children are the ones who suffer! They pick people who are just at totally different ends of the spectrum. Tonight they had a hippy,drop out home school family and a rich bitch trophy wife type.

I have been thinking recently about home schooling, I love the idea of it, the idea of taking care of the kids development, but it does mean that the kids lose the socialisation aspect of school. School is about much more than just learning things, it is about socialising with other children. I think maybe the things I do at home with them is partly home schooling, I teach the kids different things than they learn at school.

Something that really struck me tonight while I watched it was that both sets of parents were so selfish, they both had different opinions and needs that wanted to have met, and they treat their children as their possessions, that the kids have to live their lives according to their opinions, and that to disagree with their opinions would be the worst thing that could happen!

Do we all feel like this? I was talking to friend recently and I asked him would he be disapointed if his kids decided to be a fast food worker or something? He said he would be, he knows his sons could do much better than that, and he would be disappointed if they didn't live up to their potential. I said, but if they were happy? And still the answer was no, I want them to live up to their potentials.

Maybe I am a bit different, I want my kids to be happy, and if they decide to live their lives differntly from me, if they want to just work in Superquinn, or drop out from society and just write or paint or something, that would be ok, once they were happy. Now obviously I wouldn't want them to use drugs or anything like that, nothing that could hurt them or anyone else! But I do just want my kids to be happy, to feel very happy in themselves, to be confident and secure, that's all we can hope for our kids!

Thanks!

So all the longlists are out for the 2008 Blog awards! I have been nominated for a few little things, I am so touched that anyone thought it was worth their time nominating me!

I know this means someone will be visiting here (for the first time) and I thought I'd give you the heads up! My blog is really two different blogs as pre October it was about struggling with being a stay at home mum with my three weenies, the youngest of whom was born last april and inspired me to start a blog (to stave off the cabin fever) The second part of my blog, post October is me (publically for the first time) dealing with my marraige ending in August of last year!

The nominations are great but the blog is not about that! It's my attempt at making sense of the things that have happened to me in the last ten months!

Tequila!

I love tequila! I mean I really love it, it's my favorite spirit! Does that make me odd? It's not a very relaxing social drink is it?

I like silver tequila with a lick of salt and a wedge of lime....yummy! There is nothing better! I have a dirty little secret, some afternoons during the summer when the kids were driving me crazy I'd sneak into the kitchen for the ritual of a shot! Jesus don't tell child services...it was only ever one shot now! Now I can't get my silver tequila anywhere, I have tried all the booze stores around and nobody has it anymore! I would be so happy to find it again, as the normal tequila just doesn't do it for me anymore!

Ok, that's it...I love tequila!

P T Arghhh!

Regular readers of my blog know that my relationship of nearly seventeen years ended this summer, and that I have three weenies to keep me busy. Now the little ones are all at different stages of childhood. My youngest will be ten months, imagine the raised eyebrows at dinner parties when they do the maths in their heads...seriously, do people think separation ever happens at a "good" time? Some people I have to say do ask the obvious question, "was the baby planned?" Personally I never planned any of my children and while I do know some families which were planned to the last detail I didn't have that experience.

My daughter has just turned four, she is in Montessori and has been attending since she was two, she is as bright as a button and as I write this is eating a nutella sandwich for her breakfast, chocolate all over her face but the silver cardigan and jeans are still clean! Her montessori teacher has been keeping me updated as to how she is getting on in class. One of the hardest things I had to do when my marriage ended was to tell her montessori teacher what had happened, as I was aware of the possible emotional and developmental fall out there could be. But all things considered she is doing great, she has her moments but every four year old Diva has those.

My eldest son, my first born will be ten just before Paddy's day, he is in 4th class, so only a couple of years until secondary school....please don't ask me any questions about that....no I don't have it sorted! So yesterday I had a Parent Teacher Meeting, it's that annual thing where each parent is offered ten minutes of the teachers time and we are shown on a little chart where our child falls in terms of ability and has that changed since the year before. Now last year my son was in the top 5% of children of his age group in Ireland at Maths, this year he has dropped quite significantly, now he is only slightly above average. The teacher was so puzzled as to what had happened, I did ask her directly could it not be as a result of my relationship ending....but she seemed to see no connection. She said I should take more time with my son on a one to one basis, now as I just mentioned I have two other children, my one to one time with anyone is pretty limited!

So my son asked me about his results, I told him I was very proud of him and that he had done really well, but as last year such a fuss had been made of the percentile he was in he wanted to know, I told him the truth and he was devastated. I hadn't thought academic success was so important to him....turns out he is finding the changes at home are affecting him, he's feeling a bit stressed, misses his dad and worries about asking me for more help because I have so much on my plate with the baby and his sister! I feel so awful, my son worried about me!

Here I have been trying to get some more space for me in my life, as up until now I've been giving 150% of me to the kids, turns out it's not enough! What do I do? My plans are changing again! Currently I am at home instead of in the gym as the baby won't settle in the creche there! I get five minutes if I am lucky which isn't long enough to do anything!And his not settling is bad because I had planned to put him in childcare in April, looks like that aint gonna happen at this rate!

I wish there was a pill I could take, something that meant for the next couple of years I'd be happy to just be there for the kids, tht I would feel no resentment at having to put their needs before mine! I'll be a mum for ten years in march...I'm 34, I feel like I've spent the best years of my life trying to insure that my children are well rounded healthy individuals, and I think I have succedeed (socially my son is amazing, great at sport, popular, good at art, contributes to class discussions) But it's just not enough!I want it to be enough but it isn't!

I look at my ex, and it's difficult, I stayed at home and provided a healthy and (I hope) happy home for our children while he pursued his dreams and his chosen career, always with the belief that as the children grew I would manage to have more substance in my life, more freedom.Now he continues on in his career, financially supporting his family, so of course I want him to suceeed, but as a result of our failed relationship I am bound up even tighter to the kids!

I hope this didn't appear to be a passive aggressive rant at my ex...? It isn't, this blog is where I attempt to make sense of my life, my past and my current situation! Good or Bad, negative or positive!

Sometimes it's hard to be a woman...and not so hard to be a man!

I spend a lot of time talking about women and how hard done by we are sometimes, don't I? But the other day I started thinking about how lucky women are sexually. I know we have the messy job of having babies, and that is really messy, we have the morning sickness, swollen bellies and sore boobs, we have periods for about 40 years of our lives, then the menopause to look forward to. Yeah! you're right I'm not really selling it to you am I? But there are pluses to these things, dealing with the hormonal roller coaster of having periods generally I think helps women to be more able to deal with the ups and downs life throws at everyone. Having children is an amazing gift and the bond between a mother and her child is something even the most devoted father will never fully appreciate. The menopause....well no more concerns about birth control!

But then the pluses of being women...sexually anyway, we have nicer sexual organs, boobs are lovely, everyone can agree to that, big or small, pert or floppy they are all different and gorgeous, topped with a little raspberry nipple, what could be prettier? Our girly bits are all hidden away, a little secret garden to be discovered, men on the other hand have their dangly bits hanging around on display constantly! Women can have as many orgasms as they like, multiple if they so desire, where as most men are one shot and out for the count. Women's orgasms are much cleaner, now while all the messy bits of sex make it enjoyable as a woman it's great to have an orgasm and turn over in bed enjoy my afterglow and drift off to sleep (leaving my partner frustrated beside me-joke!) I don't have to root around for tissues or baby wipes, or pop into the bathroom for a little clean up!

Then there is the huge issue for men, erections! I cannot imagine what is like to have that kind of pressure on you as a man. If you are in a situation with a woman where for whatever reason you can't get it up, or keep it up....? Jesus it must be nerve wracking. As someone who has been sexually active for 17 years now I have had instances where this has happened, for whatever reason and as a woman I felt unattractive and undesirable, rejected, but I can't imagine how the man must have felt. I have often gotten frisky over the years when I wasn't fully into it, but it didn't matter, my partner couldn't tell, I don't have a visual sign of arousal as undeniable as an erection, so could just go along with the flow. A guy can never do that, he needs the erection. The erection is a symbol of youth and health, of sexual vitality, it must be so depressing when things start to go wrong. Hence the huge market for pumps and implants, cock rings and pharmaceuticals that will keep you hard. I don't think I'd be able to live with the pressure if I was a man and would probably choose a life of abstinence over risking failure.

Explosions in the sky!

This is the band I went to see last night in Tripod, I have never seen this kind of a band before, all musical instruments and no lyrics! It was very enjoyable, quite relaxing, I think if I'd been a bit stoned it would have been a lot better!

Enjoy!

Sweeny Todd

I went to see Johnny Depp in Tim Burton's musical version of "Sweeney Todd". OH MY GOD! It was brilliant. Now anyone who knows me will be shocked that I went to see it, as I am a total scaredy cat! I had to tell my new boyfriend that I don't watch 18's certificate films cos I am no good with gore...at all! I don't like being scared, but when my cinema going friend P suggested it I was all on for it, sure how bad could it be, seeing it was a musical and all?

Very bad, very sad, very gory! I did watch bits from between my fingers and I jumped several times. In fact after he killed his first victim, yer man who plays Ali G, I had to pop out for a bit of air. But the story is so complex and compelling, Johnny Depp is mesmerising, the singing and music is beautiful, the sets and costumes are so dark and totally oppressive you can feel the poverty and hopelessness, so I managed to over come my desire to vomit and watch the film in it's entirety!

Go see it, even if you hate gore, or musicals or Johnny Depp and Tim Burton, go see this movie! It's an experience and you can't often say that about the Styrofoam movies we pay to see week after week!

Therapy Tales!

OK, so I had my therapy session this evening, I'd had a really bad day yesterday which resulted in me cancelling my plans for the evening yesterday! I finally sat down and looked at the figures for my options for the future. I had to look at what was coming into my pocket and what I'll have to pay out in childcare, if I decide to try to get a job or go back to college! And you know what? It doesn't work! At all, unless I win the lottery I am not going to be able to go to college, and if I go out to work, I'll only just be making enough money to cover my childcare! So yesterday was totally crap!

I had my therapy session today, I headed over thinking about what I was gonna say to her? Do I talk about what's going on and how i am feeling? Remember I want to get out of therapy asap! So I decided to go with the healthy, talking about things attitude! I gave her the low down as to what is going on!

So what do you think she said? How do you think I felt to hear what she said? Do you want to know?

Well I am apparently not good at living in the moment! I apparently don't live in the present I think about the future all the time,what kind of result will this have on my future life?I also think in terms of years not days. Apparently if I could live in my life in a day to day basis I'd be OK, because my days and weeks are good, but if I think long term, like four years at home sounds like hell, I can feel the weight of that on my chest, but if I was to deal with it on a week by week basis it would be OK, I love my life at the moment, I am taking care of myself, I have three quarters of an hour a day in the gym, space for me and my thoughts, I have a better body and mind than I've had in years! So I need to stop thinking so far ahead!

I also have to have fun! Now I am from a family of undertakers! So I know life is short.....so short, but I am not enjoying and embracing that! I have three people very close to me who died, firstly my cousin Elaine (real name -she deserves it) who died two months before her 21st birthday (we had a 21st when she was 20!) she had suffered from cancer since she was 7, she had pains in her legs and was diagnosed with a brain tumour. She was an amazing woman, an amazing person, and so special! When she was alive she lived on a deeper level than I did, she was two years older than me, but she had such a huge impact on my life, each time I have a bad day with the kids I have a new appreciation for life....what's the alternative?

My other loss was my 21 year old workaholic cousin who died! Conor (again respect where it is due) had his 21st birthday party, then he went to Spain for his holidays, he had worked his ass off for the last four years in UCD, he had just gotten his masters, and he had been offered a great job, he had never had a proper girlfriend, sure he'd have years for all of that! Well turns out him and the lads went on holidays and he had too much bud (his invites to his 21st were on bud bottles) and he fell off the third floor balcony! One of his ribs pierced his heart! I still can't understand! Really, what a waste, he didn't have Elaine's peace and acceptance, he just stopped existing!

So the third person who impacted on me who died was my maternal grandmother, she raised me from zero to three while mum worked, but really she raised me from zero to 21, when she died! I adored her, she was the centre of my universe and she is responsible for who I am now! I even look like her a bit! (she was beautiful) When my Nana died i began to have panic attacks, I just missed her so much!

Now I look at my amazing children and I never want to miss a part of their lives, I don't want to miss out because I am stressing about me, four years isn't too long and day to day my life is good, now I need to make the weenies happy!

So to be told to have fun and enjoy the moment is difficult! I love my life and I adore my children, I want to be happy and have happy children! But I think I have to embrace my past, and the past of the people who made me who I am!But it's so difficult, this is when I struggle with life, I can't belive that this is it, that we are only around for 75 or so years (if we are lucky, as I know) we have only grasped life and it escapes our grip! So when I think of Elaine and Conor I need to belive in something else, in an afterlife or heaven or just energy existing.....

Happiness!

Isn't this painting fab? I put Happiness in to Google images and this is what it threw up....well it was one of the first things it threw up anyway! So a fair few of my posts in recent months have been about how sad I've been feeling, how at times I feel so low or so angry. So I decided to post when I'm feeling happy!



I am happy, content, assured and comfortable in my own skin at the moment. The beginning of the week was bad, I had a couple of really awful days and I got my period (remember now I'm not eating junk food), but from Wednesday evening things have been looking up.



Wednesday evening I went to my Weight Watchers meeting, I had lost another two pounds (well I had gained a pound over Christmas so i really only lost one pound. I also had a weird experience, I've been going now for a few months and now loads of new people are beginning and I'm one of the success stories, I know how bizarre is that, The leader asked me how much weight I'd lost, I didn't know, but apparently its nearly one and a half stone! Each week losing a pound or whatever is nice but when I add it all together it's a lot! It's actually what my son weighs, and carrying him around makes my arms ache so I have some idea of how heavy that actually is in reality!

So after weight watchers I headed to my boyfriends place, (having a boyfriend/being a girlfriend still feels weird) where he was just in from work and I made some food, we had some yummy wine and watched a DVD, sounds extremely domesticated and boring, but it just feels so lovely! Curled up on the sofa I just want to stay there forever!

Anyway, the point of this post (yes there is one) is that I put up Newton Faulkner singing home earlier in the week and I said it summed up how I was feeling about my boyfriend, it does, but it's more than that, there is a kind of a story to it.

The night before my husband left me for good we were in the car, I was driving and the Newton Faulkner album was playing, we were silent, we'd rowed earlier in the day and there was a strange stillness in the air, my tummy felt all knotted up, I could feel the change in the air I suppose. Then the song Home came on, in it Newton is talking to an ex lover, their relationship has ended and he has moved on he is with a new partner and it feels so right, it feels like home, he tells the ex that he wants all the best things for her but that he is happy the relationship ended so he could meet this new partner. Now that Friday evening those words floated around the car and between us, tears rolled down my cheeks, if he noticed he never mentioned it, each word made my fears solidify in my heart, I put my hand on his at one point and I felt nothing...he next morning my ex left.

Now on Wednesday evening while I cooked I was croaking away to the CD, I'd brought it with me, in the hope of indoctrinating my new man into the cult of Newton! The song Home came on and he said, isn't that the song you put on the blog, and doesn't it remind you of me? I said yep, and I kissed him, and the reality of the situation hit home, it does feel like home, it feels so right it's scary, I never thought I'd feel this way about anyone. I am totally blown away by how I feel. It's not the passion that first flurry of attraction and lust it's how comfortable I feel, that has totally blown me out of the water.

So I am happy. Very happy, and long may it last!

(Oh, and Hiya Jellybean! Hope you like the post :-P )

"What's wrong Homer?Haven't you ever seen a naked chick riding a clam shell before?"

The picture is the Birth Of Venus, I have no idea why I picked this photo except that it is so beautiful and dreamlike. It makes me feel quite peaceful....which is a good thing, yesterday was a killer of a day and today I'm still feeling a bit touchy!In fact I'm feeling extremely touchy. I feel like I want to have a long sleep...a whole weekend in bed maybe! Just getting up to make tea and toast!

It feels like my brain has reached the limit of what it can handle at one time. Yesterday started ok, for a Tuesday, the day before had been awful and I'd found myself in the doctors having blood taken, after feeling ill and then getting a bit woozy, so Dr S just called me about an hour ago and my iron levels are low, so I am gonna have to go back on the iron tablets, and the great news is my cholesterol levels are down....nearly normal! So my lifestyle changes are working!So back to yesterday, I did my usual morning drop off of the kids and my morning chores, then I headed up to the childcare in the gym to drop off the baby and have my 45 minutes of me time, walking and singing along to my Mp3 player! Baby was having none of it....

So after about 10 minutes I headed to the gym, leaving a cranky little guy behind. I got ten minutes on the treadmill, my head was starting to clear, my body was beginning to get into a feelgood rhythm and my mood was lifting, the phone rang and it was the girl in the wobbler room, saying baby was very upset (I could hear him screaming the place down) so I had to go and collect him..... I walked into the room and his face lit up! He was so delighted to see me! I gave in and went home, popping into the shower and putting narky pants in his cot for a little rest. When I got out of the shower there were two missed calls on my mobile, and when I listened to the messages, my oldest son had collapsed in assembly and i needed to go and pick him up.

When I got to the school my son seemed ok, but it didn't stop his teacher asking me really obvious questions, like "did he eat today?" "maybe you should bring him to the doctor?" I felt pretty small, like I was a bad mother. Then I headed home (stopped in the chipper...I know I shouldn't have but I have my period and I am constantly craving carbs!) The afternoon was ok, except for putting a post on the group blog and it opening a can of worms that upset me. I headed to my folks then, as my mum was minding the weenies for me so I could go to my therapist. I went to therapy, it was a hard session, sometimes I come out feeling great but other times like yesterday I leave feeling heavy and bogged down in the negative things we spoke about. I was so upset I just had to grab the kids and then head home.

So yesterday was a horrible day, but it's over and today I managed 30 minutes on the treadmill before the baby freaked out and I am seeing my fella/boyfriend/bloke/ gentleman caller/ significant other? tonight! I have a load of bits to do between now and then but I am feelling a bit better just knowing I am escaping from the kids for a while!

Newton does the talking!

Newton is playing the Olympia on March 10th ( do I have the right date Jo?) So here is a little Newton to remind you how amazing he is! Jo and I saw him in the Village in December and we will definitely be there!

I love this song, it speaks to me, for lots of different reasons, but right now it kinda sums up how I feel about the person I'm seeing.....is that too much information? Gosh, I can never tell!

So Polka, is that enough to motivate you to watch it?

Stolen Property!

Bless me father, for I have sinned, It's been about 18 years since my last confession! Ok, so I stole this from Damien Mulley's blog.....but only cos I'm so crap with computers I can't hyperlink! I just love it so much, and it's so true........seriously girls try it!

Only the lonely (will need this service)

Ok, so my last post got me thinking, I am gonna have to ask mum and dad to take care of me after my operation, or at least take the kids and leave me with a flask of tea sandwiches and my painkillers beside the bed! My dad will probably bring me to and from the hospital, and I know if they couldn't one of my friends would help me, and while it's so not the same as your partner taking care of you I am still lucky to have all these people in my life who love me! But what if I didn't?

What if my family weren't around or too elderly to help? If I was living here alone? If I was just a loner, drifter, no support network of friends? We all say, no, and shake our heads "that couldn't happen" but for lots of people for lots of different reasons it does happen. So I have had an amazing idea (?). I will provide a service, I'll bring those people to the hospital, I'll pick them up afterwards and nurse them back to their prime with a combination of my amazing cooking, bedside manner (no dirty jokes) and lots of old episodes of sex in the city (or Fawlty Towers for the men). Obviously I won't do it out of the goodness of my heart and will charge a hefty fee (those Celtic tiger cubs have money to burn, but all that working doesn't leave much time for forming friendships) and for the underprivileged? The eastern health board can splash the cash!

Now I'm a true modern Irish woman, exploiting other peoples misfortune to my own advantage, like the people who run childcare facilities (I believe the people who run Guantanamo Bay are opening a lovely facility in Dublin 8) I feel? I feel.....like I need to shower!

Circle of Life!

I have decided to do several things this year, I can't believe that two and a bit weeks are already gone....running out of time! One of the things I am doing is being reproductively responsible and getting my tubes tied (well cut actually) and today I was visiting the doctor because I have been feeling really ill since last night (combination virus, bad period it turns out) but while visiting my very efficient doctor he checked me over, remembered he hadn't done my iron levels in a while (I got weak this morning...yay anemia) "sure we'll do a cholesterol test at the same time shall we?" How can the man get so excited about digging around in my arms looking for veins (I have apparently no veins....actually that's a lie, I do have veins, tiny, tiny veins that make having blood taken incredibly painful and makes the person taking the blood very angry...see the vicious circle?) He then remembered my son who was squirming in my arms crying while I had my bloods taken needed a shot, so while he was doing all this we were talking about my desire for permanent contraception.... in a way my four year old daughter wouldn't understand! I didn't have the heart to tell him she probably knew I definitely didn't want any more babies!

So apparently it's not as simple as I thought it would be. I am a public patient, now maybe if i were willing to go private it would be different, but I ain't and that's a whole other post! So I have three children between the ages of under one and nearly ten, I am 34 going on 35, I had complications on all of my pregnancies, the last time the complications happened after the birth and meant I had to be readmitted and needed seriously toxic drugs to moderate my blood pressure! Then there is the fact that none of my babies were planned, I am delighted to have them all but their (my) timing really sucked! Now I am finally getting my life under my own control I think I would have huge difficulty in coping with a crisis pregnancy, I don't believe in termination so I need a sure fire method of contraception.

What about the other methods of contraception that are out there I hear you say? Well name one and I'll have tried it....except the coil! I have had enough things in my womb thank you! I was on the pill from 18 until about 21, then due to the fact that (no matter which one I tried) it killed all sexual desire and made me a psycho bitch to live with, so much so that even if I had been horny the barring order my partner had sought would have kept me away from him! (That is a joke.....but it was bad!) Then I got a Diaphragm or "Dutch Cap" a little rubber skull cap I had to hook up inside me to cover my cervix, it needed to be insert hours before sex...so basically every day and then left in for eight ours afterwards, it was used with a load of spermicide, which my partner was allergic to, his cock swelled up to porn star measurements!(which sounds great, but it was painful) So I swapped my spermicide but it was still happening....he was allergic to the latex in the cap (a very common allergy guys, latex is what most condoms are made from now). So then we tried the Femidom......oh god, that has to be the least sexy thing ever invented, like a sandwich bag you insert in your yoni! Then there was the mini pill, again hormonal hell and finally we settled on a combination of natural method, coitus interuptus and condoms......there children later here I am, waiting to see a Doctor to plead with him to let me stop having children without having to stop having sex!


So I am begging for the right to say no more babies! I am begging for the right to have sex without worrying will the condom break and I'll wind up pregnant, is that really too much to ask? It kinda stinks of the old Catholic Ireland doesn't it? I'm not looking for an abortion, I just don't want anymore babies, why is that a problem? I do not want to have to have an operation, even keyhole surgery, when my doctor said they put a little camera in through the belly button I nearly puked, and then they cut two other holes, they inflate the abdomen and then do the job, it is a general anaesthetic but should be a one day job with no need for an overnight. I did get a funny feeling in my tummy when doctor said I'd need someone to drop me off and pick me up from hospital, take care of me for a day or two, I know my mum and dad will do it, but you know......

Anyway I am in the funny position of the other thing I have already started to do being related to babies and Holles street, I have applied to return to college in October, and my number one and number two choices are midwifery! I know! Ironic or what? I don't want to have anymore of my own babies so I can study to help other women have their own babies! Fingers crossed I get a place guys it's tough competition, only 20 places on the two courses one in UCD and one in Trinity!

Blog awards!

So it's my first time as a blogger at the time of the blog awards...my ex has been involved for the last couple of years but I was never invited! To tell you the truth it seemed a bit geeky and self indulgent (which of course it is) and I didn't want to be involved in it!

But in May when I started my own blog I had no idea where it would lead me, I've met new people, some of whom have become friends and I've found a way of expressing my voice where for so long I'd felt invisible and unimportant!

So when a friend told me they were looking for people to judge the many, many blogs they have nominated this year I thought it would be a great idea! Might open my eyes to some of the blogs I wouldn't see otherwise!

Can't wait for the night itself! Will have to buy a new dress! It will be odd to be in a room with people who's blogs I've read and not know who is who, while knowing so much about them!

Weight Watchers Revisited!

Yesterday I headed to my first Weight Watchers class since a week or so before Christmas, and I was dreading it, convinced that with two weeks of eating drinking and no gym I would have gained back at least half a stone! I went and was full of apologies as I stepped on the scale, to my total horror I'd only gained a pound...a pound! I can't believe it and I'm sure next week there will be an upward swing!

Now I get to the nucleus of the problem, I am finding it difficult, not physically, I feel lovely, curvy, sexy, but I am finding the shift in thinking difficult. I posted earlier about how i feel, about the changes, and I understand that people think I am a bit crazy, I should be delighted (and I am) at finally being in control of my appetite, exercising and eating healthily. But There is part of me that feels like I am changing in a direction that I didn't want to go down. The physicality is everything way of thinking.

After spending so long believing in inner beauty and the importance of celebrating difference I feel like I am selling out in some way, I'm becoming more conformist with each pound I lose, I fit the mold a little more. And I really don't want to conform! I've started to wear mad different coloured nail varnish (something I haven't done since my 20's) I bought a red fake fur jacket to wear, maybe when I am bigger I feel like I stand out, but now I blend in more! But generally I felt more invisible when I was bigger....it's a funny paradox! OK, off to clean my filthy house now!!!

Beth Baby!

I figured I'd give Beth a goodbye! Seriously how could anyone not find her energy sexy!

Bye Bye Beth!

Regular readers of my blog know who the lovely lady in the photo is,the Gossip's Beth Ditto, maybe you saw Johnaton Woss talk road kill dinners with her recently! She is my hero, she and I weighed the same until recently and now I have left her behind, moving into more petite sizes, I miss identifying with a strong female figure, I had a therapy session today and talked about my need to stake out my space in the world, my own right to exist....but the truth is the smaller I get the less entitled I feel to that space, I feel sexier and more attractive, but conversely I feel less of a person, I'm smaller I take up less space!

Tonight I did something weird, I moved all my size 18 (and size 20 fat day) jeans to the blanket box at the end of my box, I have bought four pairs of size 16 jeans and they now live in that drawer! It was hard, and I am afraid to throw the size 18 out, if I do it's like saying I'm never gonna be that size again, and I don't think I can say that! I have naturally been that size most of my adult life, I don't know if I can rule out six months of happiness not returning me to that place!

I'm like a cat, when I am happy I get fat......So in a way everyone telling me how amazing I look, and how I have a tiny waist and an hourglass figure, it just reminds me that I am sad and that's why I am skinny! Well skinny for me! I am happy to look sexy, and I surprise surprise have a sexy figure, perfect hourglass....doesn't matter what size but now that I have a waist I am a real womanly woman... Maybe I hid behind the flab for a reason? I don't know. I have 38 inches at my chest and 39 on my hips....nearly perfect, but it is sexy!

So now I have to move on, say goodbye to my heroes, but they still are heroes, why do women feel the need to be perfect...? It's a bloody joke, no man worth his salt wants that, and if he did no woman worth her salt would want him. A woman is curvy, (well most of us, some of us are pointy and that's good too, diversity is a wonderful thing) and men love those bits we hate....please don't point out your cellulite or saggy boobs to a man....they really don't care, and if you point out your faults they will focus on them!

Most men, and please guys correct me if I';m wrong, are just so delighted to get a girl into bed they don't see anything but a lovely girly fleshy blob!

Ok, that's it, but while posting this I have to tell yo I've eaten 2 bags of Skips a chocolate sweet and two coconut creams....it's my first weight watchers after Christmas tomorrow morning and I figure I might as well be 6 pounds up as four!!!

Sweet Sixteen

It's official I am shrinking, I'm now a shrinking size 16 and not a shrinking size 18! I feel amazing, I'm still never gonna be slim, and I wouldn't want to be, I love the extra curvy bits I have! But I feel so sexy! I have an hourglass figure, I go in at the waist, and I look great!

Just wanted to share that with you, to most people being excited about being a size 16 seems a bit odd, but I was a size 22 at one point so this is just amazing! I am gonna keep shrinking I suppose, but even if I never lost another ounce I am perfect just as I am, right now!

Happy Birthday!

Ok Guys, keep Saturday April the 5th free! It's the night after my birthday, and it's party time! Part of me is debating hiring a room and having a full on party, but maybe that's a bit too much? Maybe just some food in Cafe Bar deli and then a load of tequila in the pub? Followed by some (shock horror) dancing! I know I don't dance....well when I am 35 I will! So my fellow bloggers I'll be expecting you all to mark the date in your calender!

Smug Marrieds!

OK, so it's Sunday alright......I kept my promise! It was extremely difficult! I am in Waterford city, staying in the home of my oldest friend and her husband. Now I made it down late Friday evening, so we had a pizza and some wine then a movie, and today I had a lovely facial and then went shopping with my friend. I did well I bought a lovely top to wear with jeans for my 35th birthday party in April.....come on guys, get organising, I have been through so much this year I deserve a mad night out!(See I can do a good guilt trip!) I also bought an amazing red fake fur jacket....I know! It's a bit $20 hooker but I like it, and I decided that it really doesn't matter what anyone thinks of me or how I dress.

So after shopping we picked up an Indian from a lovely restaurant and headed back to the house, we ate, had a few beers and by twenty to eight we were slumped in front of the TV. Now I'm in a totally different situation from my friend she is happily married with her partner of nearly ten years, I am single (well, I'm not married, I am seeing someone "going out with someone", but I was down here on my own and I thought we might have gone to the local of a bit of a laugh, maybe even the local hick disco for a bit of a bop! But no I logged on to check my mail and update my face book, she lay on the sofa with the dog on her tummy while her hubby sorted through old invoices.

Now they weren't being mean, this to them is a lovely relaxing evening, but can I point out one thing, they have no children, they have no idea of the luxury of babysitting, they when you have the kids you are stuck in the house unless you pay for a babysitter, to them it's not a big deal to go out, or to stay in! Then at ten my friends husband yawned and retired for the evening, my friend lasted until ten forty five, and I'm still up at five to one in the morning! OK, I am gonna try to read myself to sleep! Home by lunchtime tomorrow to be with the crazy children! I have to be honest, I didn't miss them......sorry! It took me a whole day to unclench and then I was just so enjoying having no restrictions on my time! I'll write a post tomorrow about my few days away!

Goodbye my Friends!

Okay guys I am away from the computer until Sunday! I am gonna try to stick to that......hopefully! I am working on my new years resolutions between now and then, take care!

Secret Love!

Okay, so here it is, I love Doris Day! I mean L O V E her! I love her in everything she has been in, with Rock Hudson especially, now there was a couple! But my favorite has to be her as Calamity Jane, I know, I know cliched and pseudo lesbian "secret love"....yeah, sure that was about the guy, not the girl she asked to move into her shack with her!

I suppose as a little girl I loved the idea of being a cowgirl, I was a tomboy anyway and I loved to hold my own with the lads on my road, I so wasn't girly in anyway at all! But I remember loving Calamity Jane, it had all my Tom boyishness combined with singing and dancing, which I loved. As I've spoken about on my blog previously romance and love to me involved singing and dancing, oh and being swept into a mans arms, and kissed whether I wanted to be or not (I know, I know....so sad!)

I saw a documentary about lesbian and gay cinema a few years ago and of course Calamity Jane was mentioned, and I can see the hidden meaning, but it's scary that just cos a woman in a film is a strong female character we assume she is a lesbian!

I love Doris's other films too, I like the one with Sinatra, Young at Heart, that's a tear jerker and a half, and pillow talk is an all time classic! I love her style, the blonde hair, the sexy but coy look, the two piece suits and the swing coats! I wanted to be her and I wanted to kiss her....I know, how weird is that! I suppose she just seemed soo good, so sweet and kind ans sexy in a very safe and nonthreatening way.

Will the real Slim Sammy please stand up!

I know it's a crappy picture but this is my new snake, sooo cute! Much more active than the last guy too! But considering the last guy escaped maybe that's not a good thing?