In a land far far away......

Now, before I begin I am warning you, if you have been enjoying my blog recently, thinking how far I've come and how great my attitude has been, don't read this post....ok?

So, once upon a time there was a little girl who didn't believe in prince charming or living happily ever after or even the future of the planet earth! She believed in doom and destruction, the clothes she made for her Sindy dolls were made from the fabric used to line coffins in her fathers place of work. She didn't play mummy with baby dolls and the aforementioned Sindy dolls were fashion designers and doctors living in apartments in rathmines and Ranelagh, they were also probably lesbians as her brothers action men never got a look in with them!

Now that little girl grew into a bigger girl and then a bigger teenager, she had friends who were boys but didn't go all soft and soppy over thm the way her friends did, she still believed the world was doomed and why would anyone want to reproduce in a world like that, why would anyone want to reproduce, full stop! A late bloomer at sixteen this girl had her first boyfriend, first french kiss (yuckity yuck), first experience of hormonal lust....it was ok, but he was an idiot and he said she laughed too loud, I think he felt she lived too loud really!

Then at 17 and 3/4 she did something, something silly, something she regrets to this day, she kissed her best friend (male), they fell in love and from then on they shared their cynical opinions on how awful a place the world was and how society was a crock of shite and they were the only ones who made any sense, wrapped in a cocoon of self satisfaction and their own egos they floated through their teens and early twenties.

So our princess had found her prince charming and although he didn't have a white horse he did have a student monthly bus ticket, and there was no magical kingdom with a crystal palace, but there were a series of rented houses in various locations, eventually our golden couple married, in a secret registry office service, they said it was for family reasons and neither of them believed in marraige, but our heroine just didn't believe she deserved a wedding. She was happy though, she believed it wasn't the wedding it was the marraige, and two people more suited to each other would have been difficult to find!

Now the dwarfs, every story needs dwarfs! Our heroes had decided not to have children, they were young and their desires to finish their education, travel and live a little didn't seem selfish. But fate had other ideas, and after months of denial she discovered she was with child, sitting on the loo, with the fourth positive test in her hand sobbing as her prince charming did the dance of the virile fertile man! She was a good (if ill) pregnant woman, reading all the books, going to all the classes, not even looking at a drink or piece of stinky cheese, eating all the (apple) pies. He was the expectant first time father, they seemed so happy, but she was becoming resentful of him, and he was withdrawing from her and they new life they were about to begin.

Years passed and our couples golden glow dimmed, as they had another two dwarfs and the walls closed in around them, there were windows and doors in the walls of course but our heroine was afraid to use them, if she went out would she ever come back? Then one day her prince decided enough was enough and he was gonna step outside, there was no wicked witch, no siren, no golden pot of treasure at the end of the rainbow, but the hostile and scary, dark deep lonely forest outside the walls of their home was more appealling than what lay inside.

Now our heroine was trapped in the cabin in the woods with the dwarfs, who looked to her for comfort and reassurance, but now the cabin door and windows had shrunk and it was even getting difficult to see outside, or for people to see in. The dwarfs were growing and seemed to suck all the life out of our heroine so she often felt like there wasn't enough air to breathe, or enough space to even string a thought together in her head! Some days she dreamt of a life beyond the walls of her cabin, squeezing out of a window when the dwarfs are snoring, other times the oblivion of a poision apple or a bottle of wine call to her. I don't know what happened to her, but I do know if she had never let herself be fooled by fairtayles and hormones she'd be living the life her Sindy dolls were!

So today my friends, is not a good day, I cannot stop crying, I am tired, I feel like a piece of elastic pulled too far. I have nothing left today, the children are requiring inner strenght I just don't have, So far this morning I've eaten a bowl of cereal, a slice of bread and butter and a chunk of a giant dark chocolate toblerone. My blog has been shortlisted for an award, as has the group blog, I want to buy a nice dress for the night....so why am I eating? I want to go to Jo's on Saturday night but I have a huge cluster of acne on my chin that makes me look like a plague victim....don't worry jo, if I'm not coming I'll still drop the food over! My ex is struggling to support us financially, and I am worried how that is gonna go, I feel guilty cos he has to support us, yet I am in no position to work (childcare for 3 children).

I feel like crap, I wish my life was a fairytale, cos I know I'm a good person and good people are always ok in fairytales, they find a hen that lays golden eggs, or a magic porridge pot or they are kissed by a handsome prince from a far away land and they wake up to disover it was all a dream and they go on to make the same mistakes all over again!