Regular readers of my blog know who the lovely lady in the photo is,the Gossip's Beth Ditto, maybe you saw Johnaton Woss talk road kill dinners with her recently! She is my hero, she and I weighed the same until recently and now I have left her behind, moving into more petite sizes, I miss identifying with a strong female figure, I had a therapy session today and talked about my need to stake out my space in the world, my own right to exist....but the truth is the smaller I get the less entitled I feel to that space, I feel sexier and more attractive, but conversely I feel less of a person, I'm smaller I take up less space!Tonight I did something weird, I moved all my size 18 (and size 20 fat day) jeans to the blanket box at the end of my box, I have bought four pairs of size 16 jeans and they now live in that drawer! It was hard, and I am afraid to throw the size 18 out, if I do it's like saying I'm never gonna be that size again, and I don't think I can say that! I have naturally been that size most of my adult life, I don't know if I can rule out six months of happiness not returning me to that place!
I'm like a cat, when I am happy I get fat......So in a way everyone telling me how amazing I look, and how I have a tiny waist and an hourglass figure, it just reminds me that I am sad and that's why I am skinny! Well skinny for me! I am happy to look sexy, and I surprise surprise have a sexy figure, perfect hourglass....doesn't matter what size but now that I have a waist I am a real womanly woman... Maybe I hid behind the flab for a reason? I don't know. I have 38 inches at my chest and 39 on my hips....nearly perfect, but it is sexy!
So now I have to move on, say goodbye to my heroes, but they still are heroes, why do women feel the need to be perfect...? It's a bloody joke, no man worth his salt wants that, and if he did no woman worth her salt would want him. A woman is curvy, (well most of us, some of us are pointy and that's good too, diversity is a wonderful thing) and men love those bits we hate....please don't point out your cellulite or saggy boobs to a man....they really don't care, and if you point out your faults they will focus on them!
Most men, and please guys correct me if I';m wrong, are just so delighted to get a girl into bed they don't see anything but a lovely girly fleshy blob!
Ok, that's it, but while posting this I have to tell yo I've eaten 2 bags of Skips a chocolate sweet and two coconut creams....it's my first weight watchers after Christmas tomorrow morning and I figure I might as well be 6 pounds up as four!!!
4 comments:
This post sounds unsure about your new space. It'll change. I think there's more to your weight loss than just unhappiness too, though it may not feel like that at the moment.
ONe way to look at everyone's different shapes is 'I'm ok, you're ok, we're all different'. But I was watching a little bit of Catherine Holmquists's obesity epidemic programme the other day and a doctor was saying that because of the maassive increase in obesity, diabetes is going to be epidemic in the 21st century the way AIDS was in the 20th. SCary thought.
I don't think you have to say bye-bye to Beth! Isn't that judgemental in the same way you used to argue against? Why can't you have a large woman as your role model whether you're the same size as her or not? Why should your respect or admiration for someone be designated by what size either of you are? :)
I know Jo I think I just have the reverse of what some women do....they see smaller as being good, that the exterior is more important than the interior I have always felt the opposite. Now I kinda feel a bit like I am selling myself down the river....?
Rationally I know just cos I weigh a couple of stone less I am not going to suddenly change into a bimbo.....but men treat you different when you are more "socially attractive" maybe women do too?
One thing you need to remember MW, is that you're losing weight not because of vanity issues (that's a nice perk), but because of medical issues. That's why you started this. Not because you wanted to be a hot DrummyMummy size zero.
I agree with Jo...you don't need to say goodbye to your heroes. No reason to.
And honey, you've always been attractive...men flock to you because of your confidence and beauty (and those eyes!), nothing to do with weight. The ones who have issues wiht weight? Not worth your time.
Excuse me Polka....as we discussed the other night the only men who flock to me are gay men! It's my shoes!!!
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