Regular readers of my blog know that my relationship of nearly seventeen years ended this summer, and that I have three weenies to keep me busy. Now the little ones are all at different stages of childhood. My youngest will be ten months, imagine the raised eyebrows at dinner parties when they do the maths in their heads...seriously, do people think separation ever happens at a "good" time? Some people I have to say do ask the obvious question, "was the baby planned?" Personally I never planned any of my children and while I do know some families which were planned to the last detail I didn't have that experience.
My daughter has just turned four, she is in Montessori and has been attending since she was two, she is as bright as a button and as I write this is eating a nutella sandwich for her breakfast, chocolate all over her face but the silver cardigan and jeans are still clean! Her montessori teacher has been keeping me updated as to how she is getting on in class. One of the hardest things I had to do when my marriage ended was to tell her montessori teacher what had happened, as I was aware of the possible emotional and developmental fall out there could be. But all things considered she is doing great, she has her moments but every four year old Diva has those.
My eldest son, my first born will be ten just before Paddy's day, he is in 4th class, so only a couple of years until secondary school....please don't ask me any questions about that....no I don't have it sorted! So yesterday I had a Parent Teacher Meeting, it's that annual thing where each parent is offered ten minutes of the teachers time and we are shown on a little chart where our child falls in terms of ability and has that changed since the year before. Now last year my son was in the top 5% of children of his age group in Ireland at Maths, this year he has dropped quite significantly, now he is only slightly above average. The teacher was so puzzled as to what had happened, I did ask her directly could it not be as a result of my relationship ending....but she seemed to see no connection. She said I should take more time with my son on a one to one basis, now as I just mentioned I have two other children, my one to one time with anyone is pretty limited!
So my son asked me about his results, I told him I was very proud of him and that he had done really well, but as last year such a fuss had been made of the percentile he was in he wanted to know, I told him the truth and he was devastated. I hadn't thought academic success was so important to him....turns out he is finding the changes at home are affecting him, he's feeling a bit stressed, misses his dad and worries about asking me for more help because I have so much on my plate with the baby and his sister! I feel so awful, my son worried about me!
Here I have been trying to get some more space for me in my life, as up until now I've been giving 150% of me to the kids, turns out it's not enough! What do I do? My plans are changing again! Currently I am at home instead of in the gym as the baby won't settle in the creche there! I get five minutes if I am lucky which isn't long enough to do anything!And his not settling is bad because I had planned to put him in childcare in April, looks like that aint gonna happen at this rate!
I wish there was a pill I could take, something that meant for the next couple of years I'd be happy to just be there for the kids, tht I would feel no resentment at having to put their needs before mine! I'll be a mum for ten years in march...I'm 34, I feel like I've spent the best years of my life trying to insure that my children are well rounded healthy individuals, and I think I have succedeed (socially my son is amazing, great at sport, popular, good at art, contributes to class discussions) But it's just not enough!I want it to be enough but it isn't!
I look at my ex, and it's difficult, I stayed at home and provided a healthy and (I hope) happy home for our children while he pursued his dreams and his chosen career, always with the belief that as the children grew I would manage to have more substance in my life, more freedom.Now he continues on in his career, financially supporting his family, so of course I want him to suceeed, but as a result of our failed relationship I am bound up even tighter to the kids!
I hope this didn't appear to be a passive aggressive rant at my ex...? It isn't, this blog is where I attempt to make sense of my life, my past and my current situation! Good or Bad, negative or positive!
6 comments:
It just takes longer than you think. I suppose we invest time and sacrifice in the hopes that they'll be finished at 18 and won't be a drain and pain in the ass into their thirties, because we got them so well adjusted early on?
If I was planning to be a midwife I would be happy to wait a few years, htey maternity system is jsut in such a shit state, and midwives bear the brunt of it, after mothers, I think. I met a woman who came to Holles st from Germany because thought it would be good experience - but she had to stop working in the delivery ward because it was so hellish - she felt awful for the mothers, and for the good midwives, struggling for the mothers against the mean, establishment ones. She went to ante and post natal care, and is hopefully setting up independently, though that may be made impossible by the removal of their insurance now... It might be no harm waiting to see if things improve somehow.
Aw MW when the baby is a little older you'll get your life back! It's so difficult with the small ones.
You're son has only had a minor setback in school, he'll re-adjust when things settle. You've obviously done a brilliant job with him, look how well he coped when you were sick. Look how he looked after you and the baby. Isn't that better than any maths result? Which would you rather, a brainy academic type or the type who's good and caring? He's actually both! Well done you!
I know you are right JO...I can wait for a while to go to college, but I can't wait for three or four yrears to have a real life again!
He's great Ash, I know how lucky I am all three of them are amazing! And while I know it's worth the effort it's just not enough....having no time to myself, no alone, quiet time in every day...I find that difficult.
In fact blogging is my escape...even when I'm bloging about being trapped here! Ironic!
Sorry, I'm reading further back through your blog and so my comments are in reverse chronological order :-) My heart goes out to you, not an easy time of it lately, I hope it all improves (and it will as the smallest gets less dependent). Anyway, I'm at risk of sounding patronising so I'll shut the hell up now. Best wishes.
Thriftcriminal,
Thanks a million, it doesn't sound patronising, I know everything will be alright but sometimes I just need it repeated to me from lots of different places, Like positive mantras I suppose!
There have been really good things that have come out of it all too, I have met a lovely man and I enjoying a new relationship with someone who really accepts me for who I am, scary as that may be!
So thanks for the support, hope the blog is in some way entertaining...not too depressing!
Not at all, we have a couple of small people at home ourselves and I completely understand that there are ups and downs. And this time of year, when it's hard to get out and about there are typically more downs. Glad to hear some things are on the up and the blog is good and entertaining.
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