Therapy Tales!

OK, so I had my therapy session this evening, I'd had a really bad day yesterday which resulted in me cancelling my plans for the evening yesterday! I finally sat down and looked at the figures for my options for the future. I had to look at what was coming into my pocket and what I'll have to pay out in childcare, if I decide to try to get a job or go back to college! And you know what? It doesn't work! At all, unless I win the lottery I am not going to be able to go to college, and if I go out to work, I'll only just be making enough money to cover my childcare! So yesterday was totally crap!

I had my therapy session today, I headed over thinking about what I was gonna say to her? Do I talk about what's going on and how i am feeling? Remember I want to get out of therapy asap! So I decided to go with the healthy, talking about things attitude! I gave her the low down as to what is going on!

So what do you think she said? How do you think I felt to hear what she said? Do you want to know?

Well I am apparently not good at living in the moment! I apparently don't live in the present I think about the future all the time,what kind of result will this have on my future life?I also think in terms of years not days. Apparently if I could live in my life in a day to day basis I'd be OK, because my days and weeks are good, but if I think long term, like four years at home sounds like hell, I can feel the weight of that on my chest, but if I was to deal with it on a week by week basis it would be OK, I love my life at the moment, I am taking care of myself, I have three quarters of an hour a day in the gym, space for me and my thoughts, I have a better body and mind than I've had in years! So I need to stop thinking so far ahead!

I also have to have fun! Now I am from a family of undertakers! So I know life is short.....so short, but I am not enjoying and embracing that! I have three people very close to me who died, firstly my cousin Elaine (real name -she deserves it) who died two months before her 21st birthday (we had a 21st when she was 20!) she had suffered from cancer since she was 7, she had pains in her legs and was diagnosed with a brain tumour. She was an amazing woman, an amazing person, and so special! When she was alive she lived on a deeper level than I did, she was two years older than me, but she had such a huge impact on my life, each time I have a bad day with the kids I have a new appreciation for life....what's the alternative?

My other loss was my 21 year old workaholic cousin who died! Conor (again respect where it is due) had his 21st birthday party, then he went to Spain for his holidays, he had worked his ass off for the last four years in UCD, he had just gotten his masters, and he had been offered a great job, he had never had a proper girlfriend, sure he'd have years for all of that! Well turns out him and the lads went on holidays and he had too much bud (his invites to his 21st were on bud bottles) and he fell off the third floor balcony! One of his ribs pierced his heart! I still can't understand! Really, what a waste, he didn't have Elaine's peace and acceptance, he just stopped existing!

So the third person who impacted on me who died was my maternal grandmother, she raised me from zero to three while mum worked, but really she raised me from zero to 21, when she died! I adored her, she was the centre of my universe and she is responsible for who I am now! I even look like her a bit! (she was beautiful) When my Nana died i began to have panic attacks, I just missed her so much!

Now I look at my amazing children and I never want to miss a part of their lives, I don't want to miss out because I am stressing about me, four years isn't too long and day to day my life is good, now I need to make the weenies happy!

So to be told to have fun and enjoy the moment is difficult! I love my life and I adore my children, I want to be happy and have happy children! But I think I have to embrace my past, and the past of the people who made me who I am!But it's so difficult, this is when I struggle with life, I can't belive that this is it, that we are only around for 75 or so years (if we are lucky, as I know) we have only grasped life and it escapes our grip! So when I think of Elaine and Conor I need to belive in something else, in an afterlife or heaven or just energy existing.....