Yesterday I headed to my first Weight Watchers class since a week or so before Christmas, and I was dreading it, convinced that with two weeks of eating drinking and no gym I would have gained back at least half a stone! I went and was full of apologies as I stepped on the scale, to my total horror I'd only gained a pound...a pound! I can't believe it and I'm sure next week there will be an upward swing!Now I get to the nucleus of the problem, I am finding it difficult, not physically, I feel lovely, curvy, sexy, but I am finding the shift in thinking difficult. I posted earlier about how i feel, about the changes, and I understand that people think I am a bit crazy, I should be delighted (and I am) at finally being in control of my appetite, exercising and eating healthily. But There is part of me that feels like I am changing in a direction that I didn't want to go down. The physicality is everything way of thinking.
After spending so long believing in inner beauty and the importance of celebrating difference I feel like I am selling out in some way, I'm becoming more conformist with each pound I lose, I fit the mold a little more. And I really don't want to conform! I've started to wear mad different coloured nail varnish (something I haven't done since my 20's) I bought a red fake fur jacket to wear, maybe when I am bigger I feel like I stand out, but now I blend in more! But generally I felt more invisible when I was bigger....it's a funny paradox! OK, off to clean my filthy house now!!!
4 comments:
That is the cutest photo (albeit he distrubting subject matter!). It reminds me of Tom Kitten and his sisters dressed up in their sunday best.
I really dislike the term 'conforming'. Everyone is a conformist. That's how society works, we are all connected, no one is alone in their thoughts or actions even thought they perhaps feel like it. I don't think I am making sense but anyway :)
Maybe you just need to NOT think about it at all (or as much as one can). Maybe just try accepting that how you are is how you are, regardless of the size issue.
When I decided to stop smoking I just decided to not smoke any more. I decided I was, from then on, a non-smoker, end of story. And just got on with my life as a non smoker. Am I talking nonsense? What I mean is that maybe you just thought about it too much as a "bigger" person and now it's better to just not think of it at all and just be the wonderful you, regardless of the size? (Maybe it's just easy for me cos I've been the exact same size my whole life so feel free to tell me to sod off, I'll understand!!)
Voodoo everyone conforms of course we do, but I am talking of the groups we fall into, or where people place us in those groups!And I don' want people to think I am trying to be a yummy mummy or anything like that!
Ash, I suppose my size has been a very big (he he he) part of my personality until know, people do judge you on the way you look, be it big or small! And I chose to be positive and happy with my size, other people would downplay their size, saying thay wanted to be slim, it was just too hard...I never made excuses, I just accepted myself!
So now I have to have a turn around, it's also dofficult to accept that I could even stay a size 16 for a year....my body is so used to being a certain way, it requires a lot of effort to maintain it!
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