Feathers!

So today I bought myself a new duvet and duvet cover, a duck down duvet! Why is this so important, well my husband never liked feather pillows or duvets and we had hollow fiber for years. Now that I am alone in the bed it is cold, cold and empty. So I've been bringing a hot water bottle to bed, complete with a pink fluffy cover and some nights I've been wearing my robe in bed a few nights too.

Today I went out to buy an electric blanket, thinking that a little bit of roasting would make my nights a little warmer! So into Debenhams I marched, and while looking for an electric blanket I saw a special offer, half price duck down duvets! Should I could I? Yes, I picked up a duvet and cover, double size (we've always had king before, but now there is only me in the bed it seems too much), I walked up to the till, the middle aged friendly lady took for my purchases and I handed over my cash, "Are you interested in getting a Debenhams store card today?", "no" I answered, she looked hurt so I continued, "I'm separating form my partner, so money is tight.....(no reaction from nice middle aged lady)...and he didn't like feathers, so now I'm buying this duvet". Now she reacts, good for you (she looks a bit taken aback though), "and I don't have to do his ironing either!", now the lovely woman is looking at me with matronly sympathy, perhaps she thinks I've been drinking? "At least you have no children", she adds, "oh, we have three!"

This is just an example of the types of encounters I've been having with people, strangers or family and friends. Because my husband are trying to make this split a positive thing for all of us, people don't know how to deal with us. I look around and I try to find an example of what we are trying to do, and I can't see any!

So the duvet, wow...it is so comfortable, so cosy and warm! I am heading to bed now with my book and a cup of green tea! Heaven, I just hope I can get out of bed in the morning!

Changes

It's been a while. I haven't blogged for a while as there have been things happening in my personal life that I've had to deal with privately. My blog has been a tool for me since my last son was born, I use it as a sounding board, I talk about my thoughts and worries, I have used it to help me look at my life in a more organised way, when I write about how I feel or a situation that I find myself in it helps clarify things for me.


In recent months though I haven't been honest in my posts, which has been extremely difficult for me. I am what I am, and anyone who knows me will tell you that what you see is what you get, perhaps that's not a good thing but it's my nature and I can't start hiding things now. But as i said for the last few months I've been writing about things I didn't real want to write about. I wanted to write about the fact that my marriage was on the rocks and that I was finding it all incredibly difficult to deal with.

And now? Well my marriage is over, I am alone at 34 with three children. For the first time in my adult life I'm single. So from now on my blog will reflect my honest reality. This reality is trying to find a way to maintain a friendship and relationship with my ex partner, solicitors, therapy, my kids weird reactions, how I deal with no sex after having it almost daily for nearly 20 years!

OK, so that's enough shocking revelations for now! I hope my blog will not let me down, and that it will allow me to express myself in a safe environment (I'm paying 75 Euro an hour to my therapist!)

Sandwiches!

I love sandwiches....and I mean love them! If I had to pick my favorite food in the whole world (and I'm including chocolate and cake in here) I would pick sandwiches! But not any sandwich mind you, I don't eat sandwiches that I haven't made myself, cos I hate mayonnaise and sandwiches in the real world are generally just dry and crap. As for those sandwiches you buy in work, packed in a plastic triangular box, pumped full of gases to keep them fresh, Even looking at them makes me feel ill!

So my perfect sandwich? Bread, granary or french (Superquinn Danish bread is good too), not white sliced! Then my favorite fillings, lettuce (nice and crispy), ripe tomatoes, crunchy cucumber, Sliced red onion or scallions and to top it off pickled beetroot and a smear of salad cream (so old fashioned), did I mention that I had to have real butter on the bread, just a smear, not too much! Sometimes I'll have some cheese on it or some cooked meat or egg, but I don't think you can beat a good salad sandwich, oh and a nice strong cup of Barrys tea!

My mum does a great tomato and onion sandwich, my granny did the best though all chopped up and then a spoon of Heinz salad cream stirred in! I still have dreams about her sandwiches! My hubby makes a lovely cheese sandwich on brown soda bread with mustard, and I love his banana sandwiches (he he). The humble but delicious crisp sandwich can be made special with a slice of cheese or some sliced banana! So yummy!

I love sandwiches, there is something so comforting about it all, the process of making it, the way you slice it, the fact that if you make a sandwich yourself it is exactly the way you like it! Then there are the events in my life that revolved around sandwiches, when I was ill with Hepatitis as a teenager my mum would make little white bread and chicken sandwiches, crusts cut off...tiny little things cos I couldn't eat without agonising pains. I remember the first sandwich i made for my boy friend....he was a slice of ham and white sliced kinda guy, he didn't know what to do with my giant salad sandwich (story of my life)! I make little fancy sandwiches for my kids, with cherry tomato eyes and cucumber noses!

Jesus, I really do love sandwiches...can you guess what I had for lunch today?

Coming soon, my love of Chocolate!

And Now For Something Completely Different!

Ok, so all that talk about Abortion hasn't made me feel great, this reminds me of a time when all I wanted was a silver glittery leotard!

I'm confused

I've always considered myself a feminist, I've been pro choice all my life, until recently. Even after having my first two children I considered myself a person who thought abortion was a personal decision to be made by a girl or woman and that the woman was the only one who could make that decision. But in the last few years I've changed my mind, and that scares me. It was easier to believe that it was a woman's individual decision to make, it meant I was saying well I think it's morally OK if you can live with that decision but personally I wouldn't do it. Now though, i think it's wrong, and if I think it's wrong can I stand by while it's happening? Should I grab my picture of aborted foetuses and my rosary beads and head out to Grafton Street? Am I less of a feminist now because I think abortions should be illegal everywhere? Am I just getting older?

I have an aunt, she's my dad's sister and my godmother, she is a mother of five and a grandmother of ten. She loves to cook, they have always had an aga and her brown bread and cakes are legendary, she is a great knitter and never went anywhere without the bag of wool and needles, clacking away, she worked outside of the home when her kids were in secondary school, she was a leader in the scouts at that time too, she loves to paint and when her kids were grown up enough that the financial strain was easing on herself and her hubby she retired early, to paint, which was her passion. Six months later she was diagnosed with Motor Neuron Disease, look it up on the Internet, it's a degenerative disease, it's the disease that a lot of people who campaign for euthanasia have. She has had it for nine years now, outliving her initial prognosis of 7 years, she can't do much, all of her passions are beyond her now, she still eats solid food, which is unusual but she refuses a tube in her stomach. My aunts family take amazing care of her and medical advances mean that new drugs and treatments have kept her moving and breathing, she can still talk although her voice is slurred. She can still make it to the bathroom in her wheelchair but there are times when she has to wear nappies, these times are getting more frequent. Eventually she will lose all these things that make her human, and she will die, mute and suffocating as her lungs will be no longer able to inflate. I think this wonderful woman who lived her life to the full, (she has, still, an amazing laugh, I've know she was somewhere in a building just from hearing that laugh)I think she should be allowed to die with dignity, don't you? But this is illegal and unthinkable, but in most countries in the west it is legal and acceptable to chose to end a perfectly healthy life once it's before week 24 of existence?

I know this is an emotive issue on both sides, that's probably why I am posting it on my personal blog here and not on the group blog I post to. As I said I was extremely pro choice, getting into arguments with anyone who'd suggest anything else, but now I feel the opposite. Obviously having children has changed my views, feeling a baby move at 18 weeks, panicking if you have a cramp or a spot of blood, you realise how fragile life is, how amazing it is that we manage to reproduce at all. I watched a few programmes on abortion recently, "Travels with my Camera", where someone pro choice visited the US and spoke to people on both sides of the debate, and the Dispatches on channel four last night which covered the issue of the 24week cut off point and showed several late (after 12 weeks) abortions, and whether or not the fetus felt pain. Tiny hands and feet, crushed skulls and spines, is this what life is worth? Are we animals? It was horrendous.

Don't watch it then you say, look away? But isn't that just what we do? To be able to live with ourselves? If we are OK with it then we should be able to say, "it just looks like a human, but it isn't really, it's just a cluster of cells shaped like a baby". When I was in school we were shown a film on abortion called "The Silent Scream", it showed an ultrasound of a fetus being aborted, the doctor said it was screaming in pain, now I was pro choice then and in my Catholic school I knew they were showing us propaganda against abortion, but it just hardened my resolve (if the nuns said it was bad....)Now of course I know the fetus wasn't screaming, but it was reacting to what was happening to it, it was dying.

Now I know a few women who have had terminations, it's not something that comes up easily in conversation is it? I seem to have a kind of sense about these things and people talk to me about it. Maybe it's just the women I know but nobody has ever said, "It was totally the right thing to do", many of them never tell anyone, I'm the first person they feel they can tell (usually cos I've picked it up), it hurts, the scars stay with the women for their entire lives, never healing. I have a daughter, she is nearly 4, in the future if something awful happened, she was assaulted and she got pregnant, or her contraception failed and she got pregnant, or she got pregnant and the baby was disabled I don't know how I'd feel if she wanted an abortion, there are so many couples who can't have families of their own who would love the chance to give a baby a home, so I suppose I would guide her toward that. It's unfashionable in our society of "If it feels right do it", to say something is wrong, but we all agree murder is wrong don't we? If my kids are a pain in the ass or my husband beats me should I kill them? I know it's not a black and white issue, but I think in this day and age of advances in contraception and the dangers of STD's meaning everyone should be using barrier contraception, is it acceptable to say "Oops, I'm pregnant and it doesn't fit into my plan", sorry if you choose to have sex as recreation when the end result (children) is unacceptable and you wind up with one in the oven should you just go to the doctor to have it removed?

Arse, I'm sorry about this post, I don't want to think it's wrong, but I do. I feel like an idiot, all those years of fighting the righteous fight for choice and now I feel like a turn coat. I suppose in my youth I just didn't appreciate life.

I hate hairdressrs!

I don't like hairdressers. I hate sitting there in the ultra glamorous salon while some tiny little 25 year old (senior) consultant debates whether my mangy head of hair can be saved with some fifty Euro new treatment or if I should go for a GI Jane cut "oh, but you don't have the cheekbones love!"

Now I have colour in my hair, my natural hair is really dark brown but recently the grey has started to poke it's head out so I get a few blonde and brown highlights in my hair to distract form this, I like it it's fine and even though my roots are very dark I only go every three months to get it cut and coloured.

So tonight at six on the button I was seated in the uncomfortable black chair with a nice hole at the back to show off your ass to the rest of the salon, a lovely girl came over to say my normal hair dresser had gone home sick and would it be OK if Enrique did my hair.....warning bells! Ok, I was there now, I wasn't gonna go home, what could go wrong. I like the other girl not because she is a great hairdresser, I like her cos she doesn't talk....no crap about holidays or kids or boyfriends...bliss.

So the indignities began, wrapped in a couple of towels and an black cape I was forced to stare at myself in the mirror, I've often wondered at people who can just sit in the hairdressers and look at themselves in the mirror, how do you do that? What are they thinking? "Oh Sorcha, you look hot with this black dye plastered all over your head....time to get the botox redone an eyebrow moved there!" I had to look at myself while she asked me a few questions last of which I answered "Yes please, black, no sugar". A couple of magazines I'd never read (they don't let people over a size 14 even look at them in Easons) were thrust in my lap along with the coffee and six chocolate sweets...bless! Obviously the saw how dangerously underweight I am and decided an intervention was in order...or they wanted to see if the fat woman would eat all the chocolates while looking at herself in the mirror (luckily I'd eaten a suckling pig in the car before I went in so I was able to resist)!


Then Natalie the "colour technician" began pulling my hair, painting on gloop and wrapping it in paper and plastic yokes...the result was after an hour of this my head hurt and I looked like a crazy alien (the good thing was Natalie wasn't a talker so I could read my book). Now I was thrown under a heat lamp and started to BBQ my head for half an hour, another coffee, but no chocolate this time. Bing! time is up, Enrique appeared, a bald blur of energy from Argentina, with broken English (peppered with a lot of Spanish when he talked about home), I wasn't sure if he understood what I was trying to convey, " I know my hair is falling out, yes I know it's got brittle hair disease but I like it", "Okay, it's okay", and he rushed me over to the vibrating chairs at the hand basins to rinse my hair, there I had the roughest shampoo I've ever had in my life....really horrible.


Enrique plops me in front of the mirror again, oh I look so unattractive now, the black cape, the black baby bags under my eyes, the wet slicked back hair! he starts talking at fifty to the minute, and the scissors clip clip clip!

An hour later, yes an hour for just the cut and blow dry (he kept stopping when he spoke to me, at one point he even mimed shooting off his penis at the thought of having children it was half hair cut, half performance art), he is finished and I staggered to the car, I look shorter and sharper than before I suppose, Hubby likes it! And Enrique? Will I ask for him next time....I think so!

This is worth a look.

Since my last baby was born we have had to listen to Lyric FM all night every night because it helps him sleep, now even though he has gone into his own room we still listen all night, I've discovered a love for music I didn't even consider before (well I considered it pretentious). One of these groups in the Crash Music Ensemble, they are Irish and excellent. The video here is crash preforming some Philip Glass music, put to a beautiful visual, hope you like it.

Babysitter!

This is what my old babysitter does now....btw he's only two or three years older than me!

Whiskey in the Spar....O!

I'm so fucking wrecked, I went out for dinner to a friends house this evening, lasagne and garlic potatoes made by our friend and I made a lovely chocolate mousse. My hubby left at midnight and I followed him home after half an hour! So he was in bed, the babies are all asleep and babysitter has gone home! I had to leave out the snake trap, a pinky, baby mouse, in a bottle, on the heat pad hoping that the little monster pops out of his weird hiding spot to let us know he's alive!

Does anyone other than me find it weird that you can purchase booze any and everywhere now, has the easy availability of booze made us less or more likely to abuse alcohol? If you can buy spirits, wine or beer from behind the counter does it make it easier for our kids to buy booze, do they see it as the norm?

Ireland has always had problems with alcohol, even when it was only available from our local off license, now you can buy pernod with your petrol or beer with your bread and butter, will this put the nail in our coffin as regards liver disease? I was in the local Centra last week, just buying some bit and pieces I found myself in the wine section, and this is what was running through my head, "If booze was that bad could you buy it everywhere? All the adverts on the TV and radio seem to talk about us having wine with our dinner every evening, how it's actually good for you." Seriously, that's what was running through my head....how messed up is that! In my local Spar at least one third of the floor space is used up displaying wine and beer and behind the tills, where previously there would have been jars of sweets sold by the quarter now there are bottles of spirits!

Another similar thing struck me when my husband had man flu, I went into the chemist to buy Solpadeine, I don't take it so we only ever buy it when my husband is ill. Behind the counter in the shop was a huge display of Solpadeine, like the whole area behind the counter was covered in just that, I've never seen a display like this before and I've certainly never seen a display of Disprin or Panadol (the usual painkillers in our house), I have seen adverts in chemists for Solpadeine though, large cut out displays. I am aware that a lot of people have developed addictions to the codeine in Solpadeine, and a lot of pharmacists are cracking down on selling large amounts to customers, so I'm wondering if certain chemists are exploiting this addiction and are promoting it to customers?

What's happening to us, we obviously are drinking too much, we all know how common place and tolerated cocaine abuse has become in Ireland and now we seem to be promoting over the counter drug abuse, what's going on here? Ireland is so prosperous and still on the up at the moment but our stress levels are through the roof, is this where the abuses are coming from? I don't know, so it's a cup of tea and a Tayto sandwich for me! Night!

Smells like Heaven

They did a test recently on a TV programme to see if a mother could tell her baby's nappy just by smell. Sounds gross huh? There were four mother and child teams, each mother fed her child the same food, they wore the same nappies and clothes and when the business was completed the blindfolded mothers were asked to pick which nappy belonged to their child. Each and every mother got it right! I'm not surprised, I suppose it's a series of biological processes.



So it got me thinking, our sense of smell is so important to us, but we neglect it don't we? We revel in our other senses, tasting wonderful food and drink, listening to beautiful music, looking at wonderful art or touching our lovers skin. Losing any of these four senses would be terrible, but do we treasure our sense of smell to the same extent? Some people lose their sense of smell through smoking, my aunt lost her sense of smell several years ago ( her sense of taste has been damaged too) she doesn't know how it happened, just did!


I know I treasure all my senses but my sense of smell is one I really love. Personally I love the smell of my loved ones, my kids, my husbands skin, his scent (currently Amen by Philosophy), I love my mum's scent and when she cuddles my kids they smell like Anais, Anais! My maternal grandmother always used Max Factor pressed powder and I love the way it smells, when I smell it I am giving her a big hug, or putting the curlers in her blue rinsed hair. I love the smell of certain foods, Christmas morning in my folks house, roast potatoes, sprouts, the sherry from the trifle and the slight smell of whiskey off my dad's breath. I love the smell of the portable gas stove we used to bring on picnics, then the sizzling smells of the fry we'd have, mopping up the juices with big chunks of bread and butter. The smells of old books fill me with mixed emotions, my dad had a selection of old books he'd scavenged over the yeas and I'd spend hours flipping through them, but the old book smells also reminds me of the little mites (don't know what they were) that lived in the books...... Then the other smells, the smell of incense and hash that reminds me of rebellion, slightly scary, but exciting!

I'm gonna try and enjoy my sense of smell a bit more, relishing in the smell of a bottle of wine, my Sunday newspaper or the smell of my favorite pastry shop. Maybe we all should?

Snakes on a worktop!

This afternoon we had a new arrival and we are now a family of six! The bank balance is now two hundredish euro lighter and we have a little red snake, about a foot long and about the width of a biro, living in a little tank (v.secure) in the corner of the living room!

He is so cute, the one in the picture looks a lot like Sammy No Shoulders, except he quite unusually has no marks on the bottom of his body (piano keys), he is sticking his little head up occasionally but every time I get the phone close enough to take a picture he goes all camera shy!

So here is a photo of his environment, this tank will last him for about 6 to 12 months before he grows out of it and we are planning on installing a bearded lizard when he moves into his grown up home......I know, once you start it's addictive!

His birthday is 7/7/2007....weird, and he's to be fed every Thursday, so on a Thursday from now on I'll be driving over to Walkinstown to buy a frozen baby mouse (pinky mouse) from Mr Tattoo!

Oh next stop on my strange midlife crisis is another tattoo, I'm trying to decide between shoulder and thigh as a location!

100th post!

Okay, so this is post number one hundred, I started this blog on the 1st of May this year my youngest was less than a month old and it was meant to keep me sane in the first few months (years) of his life! So here I am months later now writing on two blogs and really enjoying the chance to moan, oh I mean express myself :-) I've met some nice people through the blog and I feel less likely to go postal!



So for my hundreth post I've been debating what to do, top 100 sexual positions? Top 100 Household hints? Top 100 things I hate about being a mother/woman? So, bearing in mind my positive mindset that I've been trying to embrace this is my "Top 100 things I love" (very general I know....)



So in no particular order.......



1.My husband's shoulders

2.My children when they are asleep

3.My parent's "is everything OK?" every time i phone them

4.My brother's fecklessness - it makes me look fab!

5. Kentucky fried chicken spicy fillet tower burger, no mayo.

6. The smell of jasmine

7. Bison Grass vodka and apple juice

8. Heinz salad cream

9. Beetroot

10. Number eight and number nine above together in a sandwich

11. My tattoo - it reminds me I have control over myself

12. Buses - reading and people watching, what more could a body ask for

13. Smoking - although I don't do it and it's gross it is sexy, think black and white movies!

14. Sex - for obvious reasons (also smoking and sex seem to fit together)

15. Rain- I love rain, at night tucked up and it's pelting down outside

16. Superquinn Danish bread cut thickly, toasted, real butter!

17. Paris

18. Fancy Dress Parties

19. Making costumes for fancy dress parties (for me now...feck the kids)

20. Freedom (I think I remember what it is)

21. Reading

22. Laughing (preferably until I cry)

23. Picnics - gas stove, fry up in the open air....bliss

24. Milk

25. Shoes

26. Make Up

27. Lush

28. Fishnet tights (I love the stockings but with my lack of grace tights are a better option)

29. The Bare Naked Ladies

30. That my parent's are in the funeral business - I'm very good at living

31. That my mum worked when I was a child

32. That my maternal granny was my second mother - I was blessed to love her and be

loved by her

33. Ice

34. Open fires (totally rock my boat)

35. I like Pina Coladas!

36. Walks in the rain

37. Love clean sheets

38. Hotel rooms

39. Knitting

40. Freesias

41. Chocolate

42. Guinness (but it doesn't like me)

43.Tayto crisp sandwiches (if we are kinda broke we live on these while the kids eat normally)

44. Studio 60

45. I enjoy hair removal.....plucking shaving or whatever..it reminds me I'm alive

46. Growing older, I hated my twenties

47. Chicken noodle soup

48. Red wine

49. Red the colour

50. Red the fraggle

51. Music - lots

52. Talking

53. Walking

54. I love 52 and 53 combined

55. Shopping

56.Ireland

57.Marshmallow fluff

58. Reece's Peanut butter Cups

59. Homemade brown bread, just cool enough to eat

60. Dresses

61. Biblical studies, new testament in particular

62. Reading cookbooks in bed

63. Cuddles

64. Porn

65. Brief Encounter

66.Chip sandwiches with batch bread, ketchup and butter

67. The sea

68. NewGrange

70. Black

71. The smell of a match when you light it

72. The Burren

73. Cold chicken

74. Robins

75. Underwear - the nice sexy ones...not the grey ones!

76. Whiskey

77. Jewellery

78. The Phoenix Park

79. Amber

80. My eyes - my favorite feature, also I think the feature I've passed on to my children

81. The look and feel of books

82. Coffee

83. Cakes.....yummy yummy cakes

84. Queen of Tarts - best place for 82 and 83 above

85. Collins barracks museum

86. Friendship

87. Real Gourmet Burger (the Holey Moley burger)

89. Tea when I have a hangover

90. Coriander

91. A good cry

92. A good row

93. Cabbage

94. A good Fry up - I love black pudding (Rudds)

95. Making people happy

96. Babysitting

97. Prawn cocktail crisps

98. Crappy sour jellys

99. Markets

100. Dundrum Town centre

Snakes on a (parallel) Plane!

Hey I'm getting a snake! Take that mid life Crisis! I've written about it here, check it out!

Mammy's little helper.

I think I need some kind of drug, some Prozac or tequila or something, is gin mothers little helper? Today I wish I'd never had children.....any children, not the first the second or the third! Some days I feel like this, usually because my little guys have driven me demented from morning to night, today the baby was still struggling with his teeth (if one more elderly woman asks me if he has any teeth I'll bite her myself!), my daughter is going through a year long tantrum which morphs from anger at the food I'm (attempting) to feed her to how she wants to go to bed "NOW", how long before it's the situation in Iraq that's "SO UNFAIR"? And my nine year old son, what did he do to upset me, well apart from losing his new jumper only three weeks into term he's just silently sulking, taking 90 minutes to do half an hours worth of homework.These things are enough to have me clawing at my hair (which is rapidly disappearing) but today something else pushed me over the edge.....other people, in particular other peoples children!



Today I had a play date with one of the nice mothers at the Montessori, her little boy is in my little princesses class, she has a sevenish old boy and is pregnant with her third! Now I like this woman, she like me doesn't "do" the mummy thing, we are the same age and I get the feeling she kinda fell into motherhood like I did, but even then I have to do the whole baking a cake, buying the bloody natural company jellys and never offering bloody squash! Why? Will ours kids explode if they are exposed to the "unnatural" colours and flavours....? They taste like nothing....I remember the sweets when I was young, ones that exploded in our mouths (spacedust?) sherbet dabs, wham bars, I'm sure these were bad for us (good news for the dentists though) but they were fun, when my mum had kids over for tea we had a bag of Tayto (oh no, think of the saturated fat) and a banana sandwich, then as many sweets as we could eat before we got bored (or sick). The mum brought over the kids today and I made a yummy orange and chocolate (of course organic Green and Blacks) cake we had organic juice and the natural jellys, kids worked themselves up to a frenzy, when she dragged her kids out of the door, my daughter was OK because her other friend had popped in, but when she left......OH MY GOD! Temper tantrum!

Anyway today was a crap day, tonight was better, I dished up pasta with tomato sauce to my hubby and kids (almost throwing the baby at him as he walked in the door) did the dishes, grabbed my lipstick, out the door to Dundrum where I met a friend for black coffee and conversation! Now my friend has no kids so our conversation was about men and handbags!

Bra Wars

So my husband decided to buy me some underwear last night.....sounds like the start of a really funny post about how he bought me two sizes too big or too small! But I'm sorry to disappoint you,but my hubby is one of those metrosexual males who knows my bra size (40D, in case you want to buy me something frilly), he also has no problem buying Tampax, vibrators or Always with wings!

So last night we were in Dundrum, I was fruitlessly searching for that perfect black dress, long sleeves, wrap around, V neck and knee length. My hubby was in Marks and Sparks and he called me, asked me to come down to see something, I was searching in H&M, just didn't have time, so twenty minutes later my hubby meets me, bag in hand. In the bag that he handed to me were three sets of underwear (yes three), they were all the correct size and different styles, all perfect. Later when the kids were in bed I tried on the underwear for him, he was pleased cos they were sexy (not crotchless knicker, red lace bra sexy- really sexy) I was happy because they were comfortable and sexy, classy sexy!

I have a problem, I like nice underwear, in fact I like matching sets of nice underwear, I hate to wear odd underwear, black bra and white pants etc! So my hubby made my day, gaining brownie points, and then today he was bringing in the washing from the back garden, he coughed behind me, I turned around and was face to face with a perfect pink rose from our garden, lost for words I grabbed it and inhaled the beautiful scent, then there it was emerging from the flower, a huge earwig, my hubby took the flower outside and got rid of the insect!

I'm so lucky, I know matching underwear and a rose....I know what you are thinking, What did he do? God, we are so suspicious!

Knocked Up!

Hubby and I went to see Knocked up, now usually our night to the cinema are fractious, he likes films in Latvian about some crazed dictator, I like the earlier funny stuff! So usually someone compromises, usually me, but last night even though my hubby really wanted to see The Bourne Ultimatum we went to see Knocked up...my choice...hands up!

It was hilarious, no I don't know what civilians would make of it, it showed relationships and pregnancy kinda the way they are! The scene where the baby is "crowning" is so realistic....I'd say show this to your teenage daughters and they will never, ever have kids! There was a pregnant woman in the cinema, now I have no idea what the circumstances were that surrounded her pregnancy but I sincerely hope it wasn't her first child because I'd say she was soiling herself at the thought of labour!

But what really grabbed me was the relationship between the lead character's (Izzy from Grey's Anatomy) sister and her husband (can't place him, but very sexy eyes). At one point he says that the reason is relationship is fecked is because his wife loves him so much she wants to spend all her time with him! Seriously! Everyone in the cinema laughed that could have been because he was also off his face on magic mushrooms! But it got me thinking.....

He lied to get time on his own that he could spend with his mates, his wife obviously assumed that he was having an affair! I feel like this is a genuine problem in the real world, I think a lot of women feel like they are giving 110% to their family and the husband is giving about 20%, a woman ( a stay at home mom anyway) is totally submerged in the family, they become her universe, but the husband still craves his own life, time with his friends, well the wife does too, but he has a life.....work! The stay at home mother is at home working away doing the invisible work no one sees! I know it seems awful, really jealous and petty, but that's what it's like, you are tired and frustrated, your husband does well, getting ahead in his career while you slave away!

Do I sound bitter? I suppose I am, I have three beautiful children but my husband has three beautiful children and an amazing career! I could have had both you say? Could I, really? I'm not the type to leave my kids in a creche, I just have too much guilt! So I stayed at home, it's been nine years now, most women my age have established careers ( if they have kids they have availed of childcare) So at 34 if I was to return to the workforce now I'd be an office clerk being managed by someone younger than me (like last year when I was an office clerk!)

Anyway, I hope my kids are happy, I try really hard to give them the best of me, but sometimes that's difficult! Sometimes I want to cry when my hubby says he wants to go out with his friends, I don't do it...but once 2am has passed I start with gentle nagging texts and then escalate to a phone call saying get home now or the doors are locked!

I'm angry and I need Sugar!

I hate Mondays......My husband is here over the weekend so I have adult company and I get a little bit of time to myself, I can pop into my neighbour for a chat without bring the kids and all the stuff that we have to haul around when we go anywhere! Monday it's up at a stupid hour to get showered and dressed kids fed, lunches packed, then it's a series of very badly timed drop offs which end with me dropping my husband into work at around ten, then the baby and I head home together. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not working down a mine, I have no terrible illness (that I know of), I'm a lucky individual, but Jesus sometimes I hate my life....

Now I've said it (again, I don't want it to become a theme on my blog, but I know I've said it before), I feel a bit better when I say it. I don't hate my kids, of course I love them, they are my heart, I never thought it was possible to love so much, the more I love them the more love I have to give, but the stuff I have to do so our life flows along the way it does? I hate that! I often think if I didn't have to do so much I'd be able to enjoy my family life a bit more!

Baby hasn't stopped pooing all morning, I think he's brewing another one now, he is teething again I think, and isn't happy doing anything for very long, so I've committed the modern mortal sin....TV! I plopped him in front of the TV so I could clean the kitchen, hoover and wash the floor....I know it's wrong, I know people say it could cause ADHD....but I need a few minutes! I don't want my kids to get ADHD, but I also don't want to wind up in St Pats.....which is highly likely! So now telly is back on and it looks like I'll actually get this post finished in one sitting! Without a baby bouncing on my knee! I've even managed to have a cold coffee!

So this morning on the way to drop my hubby into work I was filled with my Monday melancholy and I got involved in a discussion with my husband about the DVDs we had out over the weekend (oh baby screaming now....knew it wouldn't last) So this discussion escalated into a row...over DVDs? It wasn't over that at all, it was that he thought I had all this time to spare where I could just pop down to the shop.....now there is no parking near the shop, so I have to park somewhere else and then drag the three kids down to the shop, once in the shop then it's can we get a film/popcorn/ice cream and a mobile phone?...You never "pop" anywhere when you have three kids! "Crawl" maybe?

So we had a mini row over this, so stupid! We kissed and made up, diffused the situation with humour as usual! My husband went into work, and I went home to the chores that waited for me. My husband is respected and well paid for the job he does, at the end of the day he is tired but because he loves his job it tends to be positive tiredness, I am a vegetable at the end of the day, my brain is fried and all I've done all day is menial chores, cleaning, cooking, seeing to the feeding, then cleaning up the resulting poop! I'm really selling it to you now aren't I?

Tonight we have a babysitter (we didn't go anywhere over the weekend) so we are going out for movie and food, or walk and food, whatever is possible in the time available. When I go out this evening I'll be shattered, like a vegetable, probably too tired to get changed or put on any makeup so I'll be like a zombie! Even if there is vomit on my top (baby vomit) I'll probably still wear it out! By the time I meet my hubby (after this afternoons activities -son has swimming, so added stress) it'll be nearly seven and I'll be narky, he'll have to ply me with caffeine and sugar just to get a smile! It's hard being a mum, when are we gonna get some recognition? Maybe free chocolate and wine along with our "mickey money" (children's allowance)!

Stranger Danger!

I'm an idiot, I'm the kind of woman who winds up on the nine o'clock news, found dead in her own home after inviting in her assailant! When I was a teenager I was in a little (gang) group of kids and we called ourselves "The happy Spas".....in my case it's still true. I'd talk to anyone, and apparently anyone will talk to me. I often wonder if I have a status message on my forehead "available for chat about, children, cat poo or the wearing of human skin as a fashion accessory!"

I am one of those people that people love to talk to, I obviously have a kind of "harmless" look about me, "ah, look at that lovely little fat girl over there, she won't mug me, she couldn't outrun me!", is that what the little old ladies think as they potter over, or "ah look at her, she must be desperately lonely, she's overweight, I'll approach her and suggest bizarre sexual acts!", is that what the weird guy in the nightclub thinks as he swaggers over?

So, what I'm getting at is that I'm over approachable, which I know is good, but it can have it's disadvantages (see above). When I was on my holiday in Maine I travelled by bus to and from the little town to Boston, so I spent lots of time sitting watching "RV" the Robin Williams film with no sound (I doubt the earphones would have made the experience any less harrowing, when the septic tank explodes on Robin everyone on the bus breaking out into mad laughter, i saw RV four times in total, can't believe they don't alternate the films.

On my trip back from Linconville to Boston the bus filled up very quickly, a woman got on a couple of stops after me she had an awful birthmark, it took up half of her face, she sat down in the seat behind me, then a few stops later a big burly man with a little bag got on, "can I sit here please mam?", he asked the woman with the birthmark and he sat down. They strike up a conversation, this big burly gent turns out to have a little cutesy dog called Mr Fitz in the bag, who goes everywhere with him, he doesn't drive because he had a terrible accident in Bosnia, he was a solider and had seen some action and been involved in some "incidents". The birth marked lady went on to tell him her story and how she had been involved in a serious car accident several years ago and just can't drive anymore either, she worked for the church and felt she was blessed to have found in later life a wonderful husband and they had a miracle baby, her life sounded very "Touched by an angel". They started to discuss the war in Iraq, now I'd spoken to people about it while I was in the states and everyone I'd met was of a similar liberal position and didn't support George Bush, but this man was old school, he brought up Saddam and Afghanistan. The lady then piped up, "But you can't agree with this war, we should bring our boys home", now burly dog man didn't agree and said, "But mam, if we don't do it who will? We are the world's police force!"........oh God, I really wanted to turn around and say, "Hey dog boy, we don't need your interfering, believe it or not the American way of doing things isn't the best!" I didn't though, I just scribbled in my note book, "I'll show him....I'll blog about this two months after I get home!"

Anyway, sorry again for detour! So after this exchange they continued to chat away but I was now joined by a curly haired woman in her 40's, Joany, I've written about her in my "Future" post, she's married to the lobster man (hehe), she proceeded to tell me her life story and cry, telling me I was her angel, that she had been dreading travelling and I was sent by God to keep her company and brighten up her day, it was lovely to talk to her, she was a lovely woman. She gave me her email address and I gave her mine. I haven't heard from her but I think I'm gonna mail her tonight.

So sometimes my "available" status message is a good thing, I suppose if the other option is that people don't approach me I'll put up with the Wackos!

Music For Fridays!

Flash back central tonight, watching VH1 and on comes Altered Images and "Don't talk to me about love", from 1983, I was a prepubescent ten year old and Claire Grogan was so cool! Remember her from the episode of Father Ted when she played the mad rock star?

CAKE

I'm off to the Queen of Tarts tonight....yummy! I think I'm into cakes the way some people are into porn, I bring books about baking into bed with me, the looking at the books, deciding what to bake, buying the ingredients, preparing everything, then the actual baking it's all like foreplay, followed by the climax....eating the cake....cutting that first slice, the first bite.....heaven!

And tonight it's gorging time, I have a formal night out in 6 weeks and need to lose about half a stone to fit comfortably into my dress, so I won't even be saying the word cake, I'll be abstaining from all oral pleasure until after the big night so tonight will be a blow out!

Blast from my past!

I was watching the top 100 Pop Videos on Channel 4 tonight and one of my favorite bands of all time was featured, so here's something that (in a dark gloomy way) makes me feel all warm and squishy inside!

Forgive and Forget?

I was driving through the Phoenix park on Friday, just me and the baby (who was snoozing in his baby seat), I was pondering my life and the stuff (crap) that's playing on my mind at the moment. You see cos the kids and my hubby are always around although I'm often lonely and isolated I'm never really alone enough to think about anything important! So making the most of the silence I let my mind wander! I really shouldn't you know cos I had a revelation!

Forgiveness, what do you think about it? Is it the christian thing to do? What would Jesus do etc? I've been trying to forgive and forget some stuff recently, I say trying cos it should be difficult, shouldn't it? I think Jesus was right we should forgive anyone who wrongs us, but not so we can be "the better person" or take the moral high ground, but because forgiveness is a selfish thing, "Forgiveness is not something we do for other people it is something we do for ourselves so we can get well and move on!"

It is harder to obsess about some wrong that's committed against us, to use energy to relive it over and over again, complaining about it, reliving it, over and over again. It's easier to let go, to just release yourself from the torture, and release the other people from the guilt!

So I was struck by this in the middle of driving through the Phoenix park, I knew I'd forget it if i didn't pull over and call someone to tell them about this! So I pulled over to a ditch thing (I was on a tiny little road somewhere, I called my hubby, babbled I'm sure like an idiot about how forgiveness was a selfish act, my hubby listened to my crazy theory talked me down and then went off to a meeting! So I pulled out of the ditch and headed off again, I was driving for about thirty seconds when suddenly from the trees on my left appeared a deer, a perfect deer, like nothing I'd even seen before, like an animated deer, almost pink with white spots, then another deer followed from the trees,A tiny baby deer, just like the mother but tiny! My heart jumped in my chest, I felt like it was a sign, form God or Buddha or the universe that my revelation meant something and I should follow it through! So I am!

I'm a Lush (fanatic)

I love Lush.... like really LOVE it! I read the Lush Times newsletter (which is just ads for the products), I mark things I've tried or would like to try......I know exceptionally sad! The first store in Ireland opened in Dublin when my eldest child was only about 18 months old, so it was pure luxury to have 20 minutes in the bath alone, never mind throwing in a fizzing fragrant ball of fun and then smothering myself in rich body cream!

At the time I spent lots of time (and pounds) in Lush, I tried all the nice indulgent treats, bubble bars, glitter massage bars, soaps with rassual mud in them, all sorts of bathroom goodies with ingredients good enough to eat! Many a long evening was spent primping and preening, the fresh face packs that you buy from what looks like a deli counter were my favorite treat! One thing I never managed to see the point of were the solid shampoo bars, they didn't lather so it felt like I was rubbing lard into my wet hair! Recently though I've discovered they've obviously changed their hair care products, the shampoo bars are amazing, they lather up fine, smell amazing (Godiva - Jasmine scented hair) they also have an amazing henna and jasmine pre treatment for your hair and some amazing natural (even Vegan) conditioners. After my last little guy was born, five months my hair started to fall out, it's hormonal, happened when my daughter was born too (so badly that time that I had a bald patch) so I'm taking action now before it gets too bad and using natural products is the best way to go (then if I need the regaine my scalp won't know what's hit it!)


When I started using Lush products people didn't talk about the environmental impact of using "nude", solid products, no packaging and no preservatives! I was only interested in half an hour of pampering once a week. Now they are pushing their nude products, they last for ages and are really effective!

I know this looks like a mad infomercial about Lush but my be next time you are buying a shampoo you'll consider trying a solid one, or even swapping your shower gel for soap? Make a trip into town and try them out, I guarantee after using soap again for a few days you'll wonder why we all switched to gel in the 80's....OK I know it was the eighties!!!!

I Love Bare Naked ladies!

Ok Guys, I've only recently discovered You Tube (and vodka and Pomegranate juice), and I totally adore the Canadian band the Bare Naked Ladies (BNL) so here is a little something to brighten up your Monday, Ed singing "Take it outside", in his bathroom....weird, I know, but hey, they are Canadian!

Bless me Krishna for I have sinned.......

OK, so I lapsed, I'm a lapsed blogger! I'll say five Hail Marys and an Our Father.

If you are a reader of my blog, which if you are reading this then you are....duh (sorry brain still not working properly), you'll know I haven't posted in a while, first I was in Maine then I was home and a jet lagged vegetable (something awful like boiled cabbage, or kolrabi, yuck) then I just couldn't get back into it, I've started watching films with my husband...not blogging and catching most of the movie as I went, we also have had a wonderful babysitter that has meant that we have been out for three nights of the week for the last three weeks. That has been amazing, If you are every considering spending money on marraige counselling don't spend the money on a good sitter, I think we've remembered all the things we liked about each other!

So my blogging has been replaced by my life, you see my other half had blogged for several years and for years he suggested that I join up, (chanting "one of us....one of us"), I always gave him the same answer, "Why would I need a blog, I am too busy living my life", so it was only since my youngest son was born nearly five months ago (when my life disappeared)that I started to blog (I have found great comfort and support from the blog and the people who read it and comment), but now when I have rediscovered my life, (and the man I share it with) I have had no time for blogging!

I'm sorry, I've felt like I was being unfaithful to the people I've begun friendships with via the blog. Now of an evening when we have a sitter we go out to Dunlaoghaire, walk the pier and have a huge (delicious) burger in "Real Gourmet Burger" (if you haven't been there, GO!) or we head to a movie and eat a huge bag of minstrels (I know, but I'll be happy and diabetic). A night at home consists of snuggling up on the sofa with hubby watching a movie, then tea and thick white toast and butter.... OK so it'll be happy, fat, diabetic and high cholesterol! Bliss

I have another secret....you all know that my lovely American friend reintroduced me to knitting recently, and I have been clicking those needles, but when I was away in the states I had another revelation (I watched a lot of the DIY/ craft channels) and I remembered how much I loved to make my own clothes and jewellery, so when I got home I stocked up on beads and fixins, and I started to make my own bracelets and strings of beads....so this is how I'm been unfaithful to you! Too busy being creative and having fun to blog....I'm sorry!

But relax, chill... (or chillax as my hairdresser said to me last time) next week our wonderful sitter is going back to her real family and we will be set adrift on the sea of boredom and frustration and as a result I guarantee I'll be blogging again!

Alcohol!

I know you all thought I'd go to the states with my friends and burn the candle at both ends....my hubby even gave me free reign to drink as much as I wanted, "I'm not gonna be there to clean up after you, you'll have no kids to mind, go crazy!" I actually was extremely sensible except for one night, and that night I debated whether or not to drink!

My lovely friends decided to have a few of their friends over for some drinks, now as there were kids involved it kicked of at five and we were still preparing the nibbles when people began to arrive. My friends mother (who scares me slightly) arrived and i decided to head over to the guest apartment (I know, swish) and have a shower. Now you guys probably think I love being the centre of attention, and to some extent that is true (why lie?) I love being with my friends, telling stories making people laugh, but I'm not good with new people, and I knew these people were interested to meet "the Orish girl", so I was nervous!

So after my shower, smelling like a candy shop thanks to lush, I had a quick vodka and orange while putting on my make up (I know....bad to drink to beat the nerves....and bad to drink while putting on makeup)So I headed over to the house, I got myself a drink and mingled, my hosts friends were all lovely, very friendly, but one interesting topic of conversation came up, alcohol! I was very aware of the reputation Irish people have for drinking a lot and being the life and soul of the party, so part of me wanted to prove them wrong and not drink much but the other part of me was on holiday and I knew it was probably the only night i was gonna let my hair down. So after downing my drink in what I considered "normal" time i went back to help myself to another one, painfully aware that I was drinking faster than anyone else!

"Do Irish people not know about liver disease?" I was asked, seriously, genuinely, not in a nasty way! Oh the lines I've thought of since "Yeah, sure we invented it!" "Yes we have we embrace it whole heartedly, it's a lifestyle choice where I come from"....etc etc! But at the time all I could say was "sure we know about it, we really just don't care", which is true! So I had a few more beers, we discussed politics...theirs, and scenery....ours. Then I asked them why the booze in the states is so cheap,( it was $26 for a two litre bottle of Stoly!)? Apparently there are stores where it is even cheaper, the State Liquor stores where you don't pay sales tax, and the Americans joked that if booze was that cheap in Ireland we'd all be alcoholics! Oh how we laughed! They were probably right...instead of buckfast the bums would be mixing martinis?

But seriously, I was in the company of lovely people who obviously didn't have any issues with alcohol (the most anyone had was two drinks -excluding me of course) these people are comfortable and not short of a couple of lobsters to rub together, these people don't live in the inner city or in a situation where they turn to alcohol to numb the pain, what about the very poor in the states, they can buy booze for next to nothing, is that OK?

Anyway at 8:45 the last of the party goers left, and I helped my friends to tidy up, then we watched a bit of TV. I can't wait til my friends get home here....it's meal and then back to my place for a few drinks (last time we went out to dinner we each drank a bottle of wine and then some), I'll have to Irish them up, remind them about liver disease!

The Future?

I got back from Maine very early on Tuesday morning, the flight from Boston was a bumpy one and I wanted the taxi driver to shut up and drive as quickly as possible so I could be reunited with my family, he is a lovely man and usually his conversation would be a welcome distraction, but on Monday I just wanted him to floor it! So I got home and then followed the tearful reunions with my husband and children (I swear the baby missed me)! I'll write more about that later but first I have an eerie warning from the future.........

I was in a very remote part of Maine for a week, it's an amazingly beautiful place, like Connemara before the deforestation and if the sun shone everyday, the people (the islanders) were lovely, very friendly and the houses...oh my, they are so cute, all wooden, New England style! So I really only encountered the real America when I was off-island (twice), and as it was my first time in the states my friend wanted me to experience the wonder that is an American supermarket!

Now I love to shop.....I'll admit it, I even enjoy grocery shopping! So a trip to a supermarket was a real high point for me, and it didn't disappoint, the huge bottles of detergent, the array of cookies and muffins (there were free "sugar cookies"), the variety of cereals, the beautiful colours of the fresh vegetables and fruit and the huge 2 litre bottles of wine and spirits (more about the booze later). I found the highly prized Reece's peanut butter cups and marshmallow fluff (mmmmm fluff!), my friend had a trolley (sorry, Cart) of shopping (you have to be prepared when you live on an island) and we headed to the checkout.

This is where it went a bit mad for me, a young woman checked out the grocery (pretty standard young wan....except from Maine) but that's where the resemblance ends as instead of a young fella packing the bags there was an elderly man, at least mid seventies, and frail, wearing an apron and packing the bags! It was awful, I started to pack the bags with him, taking them out of his hands, I felt so uncomfortable. Of course my friend is used to this so she probably just thought I was having some sort of episode but it made me feel so rotten! I'm of the opinion that nobody should have to work cos the state won't support them, these people probably worked their whole lives for the good of their country (this man was old enough to have been to war, one of the real ones!) and it's their country's duty to take care of them. I know we complain about our state supporting people who won't or can't work, but god forbid something happens in our life and we lose our grasp on life and we fall between the cracks, the state will pick us up, OK so we won't be living La Vida Loca but we'll be OK!

America was an amazing place and it was so similar to Ireland in so many ways, but I'm afraid we are heading the same way, the government is proposing encouraging people to work on beyond 65 (I do know several older people who have chosen to do this - luckily not out of necessity, but because they love their jobs), we are all encouraged to have pension plans this is because the government know that there is gonna be a shortfall in the money for the state pension by the time we get to retirement age, there just won't be enough people in the workforce to support us (unless we start having more babies or these lovely Polish people keep coming and decide to stay). I don't want Ireland to go down the same road as the states, my friends tell me the elderly there just aren't supported by the welfare there so they have to work. I'd hate to see my mother or father or grandparent working in a minimum wage job where they received little respect. They worked hard, they reared their families, surely they deserve a rest, some respect and time to enjoy what should be their golden years?

On my bus journey to the airport on Monday a lovely lady from Waterville in Maine started up a conversation with me (more about the people I met on my travels later), she was enchanted when I spoke about Ireland and said herself and her lobster man (occupation not terrible mutation) husband would love to visit one day, so I said maybe when you retire, she clicked her tongue and said she didn't think they'd ever be able to retire. That was so sad, how could you keep going knowing you'd never have time to enjoy your life.......Birth, work and death!

Farewell my darlings!

On Monday I'm leaving on a jet plane, do know when I'll be back again....Tuesday week! I'm really looking forward to seeing my lovely friends, but I'm terrified of leaving everything and everyone I love here.

You guys probably are like, "Jesus, she wanted to fecking go, now she's complaining!" You are right, I want to go away, I want to destress, I want to put myself to the test, step out of my box....travel out of my comfort zone! Most of you probably do things on your own, a night at the cinema, lunch in a cafe, a weekend away, a lone train journey. I on the other hand am never alone(for nine and a bit years now), I always have a little one attached to me, be it a coffee, trip to town or the bathroom.

If one more person asks me will I not miss the kids I'll explode! Of course I'll miss them, they are all part of me, they are my soul and heart, they are my reasons for living (I know it sounds like a Celine Dion song). I will miss them and I know they'll miss me but life is complicated and sometimes people we love go away from us, we miss them and when they return to us we are delighted and we enjoy them even more than we did before. I'll miss all of them for different reasons, the baby's snugly little velvety head, his gummy smile and those blue eyes, that my daughter calls his "blooming" eyes...so wide open. My daughter with her little grey tooth (that's what happens when monkeys jump on beds), she is so clever, sharp and funny, gentle and caring but incredibly headstrong and independent...I hope she never changes....her hubby will be one hell of a lucky man! And my handsome eldest son, my firstborn, so sensible and responsible, caring and loving, an amazing child, gentle but also a real boy, with his football and computer games, his little freckly face is so cute i want to smother him in kisses, while he still lets me! I'm gonna miss them with every fiber in my being, even now thinking about it I feel physically ill. But I'm still gonna do it.

Then my husband, living under the same roof for 14 years, same bed, I can't sleep when his warm body is missing, and when I do I wake up panicking. We've been away from each other a handful of days in that time, and then he was away and I was with my weenies and so not alone. While I'm worried that the kids will miss me too much, I worry he won't miss me enough, but that's not gonna stop me going either. I will miss him a lot, he's my rock, even when we've been through the mill and there have been bad times I still cling to him (oh god...I'm a limpet...or worse a barnacle). I'll miss him.

My parents were here today, I'm gonna miss them too, I see them at least twice a week and talk to my mum daily on the phone (btw my mobile won't work on the island). They love me so much they want me to be happy and travel, even though it scares them.

I'm counting my blessing tonight, all the little lovely things in my life that often get overlooked cos I'm stressed over a tantrum or a messy bedroom or no money for the phone bill. My life is good, and on Monday I'll be looking at my life from another continent and i think I'll be able to

see it clearly and come home refreshed and revived, and ready for another nine year stretch without a break. Fingers crossed!

I hope to post again before I go. If I don't take care of yourselves and each other....and write loads so I will have loads to catch up on!!!

Love xXx

Big girls

BBW, Big girls you are beautiful... don't be ashamed of your tum, or bingo wings..come on shake that booty to Mika....we are fecking fantastic. I'm so sick of being ashamed and self conscious. My size 18 body has made and delivered with minimal interference three amazing little people! stick on a corset, or magic knickers or push up bra, love your good bits....look at Beth Ditto she's a big curvy girl, but sexy. Confidence is soo sexy!

I know I'm like a broken record with this one, but it bugs me! I don't want anyone else to find me sexy, I don't want fat to be the new thin, I just want acceptance of everyone whatever they look like. There is room for the size zero role model , there should be room for the size 16, 18 or 24 whatever (admittedly we need a little more room)

Curvy is nice, I don't know why it's become such a terrible thing, people wrap it up in concern about peoples health, but it's not that, why should some stranger be concerned about my health...I'm not a smoker either...you can't get "passive fat"! You just don't like the way we look, you look away, it makes you feel uncomfortable...why?What's in your psyche that makes you so uncomfortable that you can't even look at me? Surely if I'm OK with me you shouldn't care if I paint my self purple and wear a gimp mask (neither of which are gonna happen...although then people would say look at that purple gimp mask fat woman)

On the other blog I post for some one has started a thread about dieting, all woman love to diet and it has resulted in people swapping tips etc, people engage with that, but being happy with yourself seems to be less popular, why? Is it a Catholic self hating guilt thing? I don't diet, I try to eat healthy but if I ever want to lose weight (which I do sometimes, funny thing is I always return to exactly the same weight when I return to my regular lifestyle) I go to the gym, only thing that works for me. Anyway, as a habitual non dieter I find it amazing we give it so much attention, DVD's, books, magazines ? We hand over our credit cards and our souls to these people, but surely if there ever was a magic diet (say stitch and starve) it could never be publicised, cos you buy it once, you lose weight (and the tricky bit) keep it off, that's it, you never need to buy another shake or book or carb free bar again.

Sorry, this is a recurring theme I know, I think what's brought it on now was sitting in the hairdressers last night, all the pictures in magazines put me in awful humour. I do honestly believe no matter how skinny you are you'll never be happy until you are happy in your own skin, be it size 4 or size 24!

Home

The picture above was taken in the year I was born 1973, I know it's mad it looks like something from the turn of the century . Well I suppose the mad argyle geansaí is fairly seventies, but apart from that it could be any era, any place outside the pale, post famine Ireland.

RTE are running a series at the moment which is about the was family life has changed in the last thirty odd years, it's fascinating, from Nell McCafferty talking about contraception (the condom on the late late show!) to the "Housewife of the Year" contest. What the programme brings home in black and white is just how much we have changed as a nation, now I know Dublin is a separate entity, and we are more European now than Irish, which is a good thing in my opinion, but even the footage from Dublin is shocking.

They have nothing....I mean nothing, we complain about the prices of houses and new cars, while looking through the Argos catalogue or planning a shopping trip to the Big Apple. They had nothing, there was a young newly wed couple, in a tiny flat, with their few meagre processions, the hand me down sofa and bed, tiny two ring stove, electric two bar fire and the "few wedding presents" as the young chap put it. We laugh at the idea of getting a toaster as a wedding present but they were so grateful for it, the few towels (from Frawleys) and a set of crockery! We really don't know how lucky we are, if we wear second hand clothes it's cos they are "vintage" if we get married it's a 30 grand party and honeymoon then back to our three bed semi detached in a pretty satellite town around Dublin. Okay so stuff is expensive, but we still have it! Do you think our young virginal couple went out for meals in town at the weekend or even had a takeaway and a bottle of wine? Nope.

I worry it's all happened so fast we are in danger of forgetting how bad it was, this couple weren't poverty stricken, they could afford to buy a flat, these weren't the people still living in the tenements in around Clanbrassil street or being moved out to Ballymun (to a better life). Sometimes, when i feel a bit cynical about it all i feel like we are in a handcart to hell, I think it's all so out of control, the owning, the possessing the shopping, but then I remember, remember the hand me down clothes, my dad's old banger of a car, not having central heating (coats on the beds in the winter) the coal fire mum had to clean out and set every morning before she went to work (if we have a fire now it's for effect), we also weren't poor, mum worked, dad worked two jobs, I had my first job aged 16.

We all give out about the state of the country, how we have too much of this and not enough spiritual depth, so when we were poorer were we happier....? I know what I think.

Give me new build houses we can afford (even if they are in Cavan), give me working mothers and childcare, give me contraception, give me civil partnerships for all couples regardless of sexual orientation, give me divorce, give me abortion, give me a secular state where the church can't screw us and get away with it!

The Celtic Tiger might have been a bit heavy handed and brought designer babes, drummy mummies and David McWilliams with his funny names for us all (well he's laughing all the way to the bank), but the tiger also squashed a lot of things we are so ashamed of we never mention now. If Joe O'Reilly had killed his wife in 1973 do you think he'd be behind bars?

Ministry of mums!

You have to look closely to get the point of the picture I think....It's way too small! Have you heard those adverts on the radio, woman calls up the "Ministry of Mum's" helpline, basically asking what the hell she is supposed to do with her little darlings for the school holidays? Love those adverts, for a couple of reasons.

Firstly I think there should be a minister for mum's, after all over half the population are women and how many of them again are mothers? I know there are female ministers and TD's but they never trade on the mum vote, why not? Because it's bad for their career to focus on the mother aspect of their life. If we had a minister for mum's we could be sure that there would be someone with our interests at heart, not the economy or the environment or whatever, but mothers. If half the population were all..... postmen say, I bet there would be a minister for postmen's rights!

Another reason I like that ad is the desperation in the voice over mum....just not desperate enough! There it is streching out in front of us....eight weeks of amusing the kids, it's grand if the weather is nice,beaches parks and playgrounds beckon, but if it's raining you are stuck in the house, endless play dates, baking so many cookies and cakes you gain a stone in the first three weeks and the kids are turned off sugar for life!

So the idea of the ad is bring the kiddy winks to Mc Donalds where the kids will be happy and not moan while you enjoy a nice Mc Cafe Espresso, they'll even carry your tray! At other times of the year the thought of bringing my kids to Mc Donalds fills me with dread (only use i have for Mc Donalds is as the perfect hangover cure, diet coke, fries and a MC Chicken sandwich with no mayo). But in the summer holidays I'd gladly dispatch them there daily if I thought it would work, feck it if zombie Hitler showed up at my door and asked me could he bring "zee Kinder" to Mc Donalds I'd lend him my car keys!

What a change though, when I was nine the summer holidays seemed so short, now I dread them and they seem an eternity! Maybe in a few years when my little ones are older I'll grow to love them again! Although probably not, then I'll be moaning about the young parents letting their kids run riot in the park!

Snow Patrol

Have you seen this video for the new Snow Patrol video, Signal fire? I love it! It's an excellent song, and I could just eat up the lead singer guy! But the video is so cute! watch it, let me know what you think!

Warning people growing old before their time!

I was in the travel agent last week sorting out travel insurance ( I might be taking a big jump and travelling to the states but I'm not ready to totally disregard my family, if plane crashes they'll get a nice pay out!) while there an elderly man came into the shop (out of the rainstorm raging outside), nice little man, soft cap, old style raincoat, not a trendy old person, real old skool! We were both waiting to be served, and as I have a sign on my forehead saying "talk to me", that's only visible to the elderly, tourists and crazy drunk people, he struck up the conversation about the weather that we've all been having for the last 6 weeks. He appeared to be a very average OAP, I was waiting for some paperwork and he headed up to the counter when the agent was free.

This was where the first surprise came, he was booking a trio for eight to Las Vegas, wow....I was stunned as they talked about dates and day trips. Then a mobile started to ring and it turned out to be the gentleman's, he excused himself from the counter and took the call, he was berating whoever was on the other end of the phone for not turning up at the forty foot for the swim that morning! OH MY GOD! This man has more fun in his life that i do!


So it got me thinking, our childhood years are a wonderful time (sometimes) but also the restrictions on your freedom can mean you don't get to do all the things you'd like to do. A few of my friends who are the same age bracket as myself and have kids and partners and mortgages, and feel like they have to "grow up", acting all responsible and "parent like" (whatever that is) I was suffering from a similar feeling for years, the difficulty of balancing a work and home life along with a social life of sorts! I've given it up though because it just doesn't work! Obviously I am a responsible adult, I've been doing this parenting thing for nearly ten years now and I'm not too shabby if I say so myself! But I realised somewhere along the way that my kids wouldn't thank me for sacrificing all the things that make me happy, just to be the "perfect" mother. I do honestly believe there are all sorts of kids and therefore all sorts of parents but the best parent is, of course a Happy Parent!

I was in my friends house Saturday night, herself and her hubby had us over for a yummy meal (and some vodka!), their two little ones were in the play room and we were in the kitchen eating and drinking, my hubby and I were struck by how funny it was, every time the weenies came into the kitchen to look for goodies or just some attention we reverted back to naughty teenagers trying to look like we hadn't been drinking!

Personally, I am looking forward to my "autumn years", when the kids are self sufficient enough that i can stay away for a week and not worry about school runs and washing their smalls.. just not worry as much, I will still worry but hopefully not so much!

My youngest baby will be 16 on my 50th birthday, so that morning it'll be nuddy swimming in the forty foot followed by a huge party and then off to Vegas the following day!

The second coming

I'm celebrating tonight, my Buzz Lightgear which we thought was dead as the dodo has risen like Lazarus from the dead.....(I'll go to hell for using religious metaphors for sex toys) the adverts tell the truth all it took were Duracell batteries!






This is the best thing that's happened to me this week!