It's 4am....I can't sleep!

It's 4 am and I can't sleep. There are so many things going through my head that even though I am shattered I can't turn off my brain, so forgive me now as i vomit the contents of my brain out into cyber space!

First things first, I have cancelled my appointment for my consultation to talk about getting my tubes tied, why? Well I'm just not sure. I'm not sure I want to put a line under that part of my life. OK, so I am 35, I have three children, and my lovely boyfriend and I have a gaggle between us, so kids aren't on the cards for us, but what if? What if my lovely boyfriend decides he'd prefer a more uncomplicated, romantic and less Gothic girlfriend than me? What if then I meet a guy I like who has no children, if I really loved someone I would want to have a baby with them, if that was something they wanted in their life. Am I too old? I have friends who have had babies at 39? I have been having serious doubts about the tube tying, for about three months, I just was assuming it was cold feet, but I think I'm not ready to say goodbye to my fertility, yet.

The other more practical reason is I am on the pill, and this time, for the first time ever, it seems to be working for me without turning me into a psycho or deleting my sex drive! So I can continue to take the pill for a year or so, once my health stays good, once I keep my weight down and my blood pressure stays OK. The pill has made my periods bearable for the first time in years too, I am no longer doubled over in pain and and feeling crap for a week. Also if you look back over my blog you'll see there hasn't been a load of my life is crap posts for a while...that is because of the pill, for at least two weeks a month I was feeling like everything was too much, like I really was struggling to cope, and since I started on the pill, and stopped ovulating the lows have disappeared. Now don't get me wrong, I still feel down at times, but for a reason, not just "because"! And feeling more balanced is great. Now if I get my tubes tied and I want to maintain this emotional/hormonal balance I'll have to stay on the pill....which seems a bit silly!

Now the other thing that is worrying me, and keeping me awake is my future....nothing serious you see, just huge issues pounding through my head on a school night preventing me from resting!

My future.....

Earlier on this year I had it all worked out, I'd decided to go to college, to be a mature student and study midwifery, my folks and my ex had said they would support and help me to pursue my dream, but then when faced with the reality I realised it just wasn't gonna happen, unless I moved in with my parents, and if I did that I wouldn't be talking about getting my tubes tied but looking into voluntary euthanasia (for them or me...wouldn't matter)! So now I am faced with the work issue, I want to work, I want to have a normal life, I have no desire to remain dependant on my ex husband to support me for the next 17 years until my baby son is 18! I am a hard worker, I know I am, I learn quickly and I am a total perfectionist, much too hard on myself, so an ideal candidate for a nice little office job, I can work away for a few years part time until my youngest goes to school and then hopefully manage to go to work full time? One problem....

Childcare

How the fuck does anyone with more than one kid work in Ireland? Unless when you have your kids you have worked your way up to a point where you are earning well over the odds, when you go back to work after your first kid childcare will eat up one thousand euro of your salary after tax, and another eight hundred or so for each kid after that, now my two older kids will be in primary school in September so in theory I would only have to pay four hundred euro each for after school care for them and a grand for my baby......that's one thousand and eight hundred euro a month....there is no way I could earn that after tax, unless I consider doing a Belle De Jour!

So my options? Work from home, ironing or childminding, something like that?That won't cut the mustard for me, I need social interaction, I want to get back out there in the work force so I am working away and eventually working my way up the ladder, but how? I suppose the part time option is there, I will be free from 9am until 1pm every day come September, so I'll have three hours a day, fifteen hours a week, in which I'll have to earn enough to cover childcare for my baby son....arghhhhhh! It just doesn't add up!

Can you see why I can't sleep? When I was in therapy I learned that when life gets like this and I can't change it I just have to live in the moment, enjoy where I am now, and I am enjoying my life now, but I can't ignore the future! Can I? I know I can't sit on my arse for the next four years until my baby goes to school and childcare becomes more affordable, I'll go bloody insane! Can some one pay me to blog? I'm write about anything you want....God! Now it's 4:45 am, the alarm will go off at 6.32....I hope I can sleep now I've vented.

I


t's funny actually I went to the movies with a mummy friend tonight and when I got in I called my BF, and we were talking about my blog, how I was struggling to find things to write about as my life became more content....and there you go, angst is good for blogging but bad for sleeping!