I'm really pissing my boyfriend off, with my sexist comments, they are pretty much constant "Sure what would you expect from a man? Sure he's only a man! All men are wankers........" the list goes on. I knew it was bad, I mean I was aware it was constant, and I figured it must have bothered him a bit but last week he actually had too much and confronted my sexism. "If I said those things about women you'd freak out!" (not exact words, my BF is more articulate that I am). So far play to him he was right, and I said as much, but....oh yes there was an ominous "but" "But", I said, "if you had experienced women in your life who had treated you the way I've been treated by men, and they were all women then I could understand your anger, hurt and fear." The closest thing I can come to is the "once bitten,twice shy" motto, I've been savaged not once but a few times, I'm an idiot if I don't look at all men as if the were Rottweilers foaming at the mouth, wouldn't I?I know it's a problem, I was never really a fan of men, I think some women prefer the company of men to women , but men's macho crap and lack of an Id or any Ego boundaries really pisses me off, I prefer to spend my time with people who are caring and gentle and like to listen, now I know some women who don't fit that bill OK? And I'm not too keen on them, but to me it just seems like men are more likely to processes these qualities. So I was always a woman's woman, enjoying the sisterhood, maybe it's cos I'm crap at flirting or even talking to men so I've never really been able to get to know any nice ones well enough to have my preconceptions shattered. What about my ex you say? Well I liked him of course, but it was a blind eye kind of thing, you know I loved him so much I would try to ignore the personality traits I disliked and excuse behaviour that I disagreed with "sure he's only a man!" Then when my relationship ended I was so hurt and vulnerable, felt so exposed I think my "I hate men" feelings hardened around me and now I find it hard to let it drop, scared if I trust, open my life up to another man that I am gonna wind up dead....seriously, I only have a certain amount to give and I feel like my emotional reserves are running on empty a lot of the time.
Now I have fallen in love with my boyfriend, and I feel safe with him, but he is still a man, and every now and again I find myself remembering he's not just the man who reads to me in bed ( I know.....I am in heaven), or brings me a cup of tea and talks to me like my opinion actually means something, but he is also a man, one of those salivating beasts I should have learned to avoid by now! Maybe that is why I talk about how crap men are in his company, on one hand I'm keeping distance between us and maintaining some awareness, so if he does hurt me I won't be TOO surprised, or maybe I'm reminding him..." hey you, I know what you are, you are a man...and I'm watching you?"
I just don't know, maybe lesbianism would be better? But I don't think so, then I'd see all the crap women do to other women and I'd lose all my ( little) faith in human beings?
8 comments:
I think people are just really hard to deal with. To be honest, I think it's ok to complain about people, be they men or women - gender differences will always annoy us, no matter what.
However, I think there's a hell of a lot of good in masculinity too, even if you take the rough with the smooth.
A friend of mine's mother is a little bit looney, and was hurt by her husband and became rabidly anti men, to the extent it was all she ever talked about to her three sons. The day she said to her youngest, who was seventeen, 'Aren't you ashamed to be a man?', my friend snapped, and lost it at her. And rightly so.
Hmm, I come from a family that was populated by a large number of very strong mined women. I was raised to mind my Ps and Qs and learned to mind my own beeswax. I operate on the principle of treating everyone I meet with respect, if they prove themselves unworthy of that I will walk away from the situation without recriminations. I have been on the receiving end of the man are crap rant and to be quite honest it is remarkably tedious. Not from my other half BTW, she is a pragmatist like myself.
OK, Jo you are right, I don't berate my sons! I adore them, and I hope that by expecting more (even if it's just to do some housework!) I m doing them a favour, surely the Irish mammy has a lot to answer for, sending their littel darlings out into the world with no self sufficency?
TC, I read your post, quite romantic no? The dish eloping with the spoon...or was it the spork? No that's the channel four version!
Yep, I think it's a gift that keeps on giving to help your son learn to cook and clean and look after himself! Totally.
Do you think maybe there's an element of "picking a fight" to it? I dunno, just thinking. I know I do that.
I like men, I preferred working with them certainly. Even loved the sexism. Towards me it was sweet. Does that make sense?
Look - you can't have it both ways. If you really think that all men are such terrible creatures, then stay single. Having a boyfriend yet constantly berating him about how inferior his species is seems like wanting to have your cake and eat it.
As for your past relationships, you CHOSE to enter into them. Maybe instead of just assuming that all men are evil tyrants, you should instead have a think about why it was that you were attracted to the kind of men who would mistreat you.
I'm constantly baffled by women who do nothing but whinge about how awful men are, yet continually lurch from one bad relationship to another. What the hell is that all about?
Ash, I think I am pushing him away a lot of the time, the sexism thing wouldn't cut it for me though, I worked in a DIY place as a student and found the sexism difficult, but as I said I prefer women to men, you prefer men's company to womens! That's what makes the world such an interesting place!
Cliff, I have not lurched from one bad relationship to another, I met my husband when I was 16, we were together until I was 34, the lovely guy I'm seeing now is my second ever boyfriend, and my relationship with my husband was not "bad", he had issues and I didn't find out until I'd had three children with him, I was an excellent wife, a good friend and I don't feel like I chose a "bad" boy!
My other experiences with men that have brought me to the conclusions in the blog post...my dad, treated/treats my mother badly, the men I lhave come into contact with over the years through work...My friends husbands and partners, their inate selfishness and sense of entitlement. Then there is the fact that we live in an incredibly patriarchial society, aimed at maintaining the status quo and mens position in the world, the lack of facilities for women with children in the work force, the unequal conditions, the glass ceilings that still exist...the fact that if every woman withdrew her unpaid labour most men with children would be screwed!
Finally, I do not berate my boyfriend, he is a wonderful gentle man, I just often forget that that is what he is, a man, because he is so unlike my experience of men.
Cliff I understand the defensive nature of your comment, my life experience is my life experience, and I am free to express it here in my blog, I have two sons, whom I adore but whom I am raising to understand that all people are equal and it is wrong for one member of a partnership to have to sacrifice their hopes and dreams to maintain the aspirations of the other. Thanks a million for your comment.
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