First Steps

It's been going on for weeks now my 13 month old will take one or two faltering steps and then just plop down on his bottom in shock, I was starting to think he was just too lazy, as even the baby sitter had said he wouldn't try to walk.

But today he did it, just stood up and walked about three feet.......he could do it just like that, which is a bit worrying and ties into my belief that he is a genius....an evil genius that is, who has been walking secretly for how long now? He has also learned how to hug and kiss, and crawl down backwards off chairs or beds. Yes he is 13 months....just turned thirteen months, but will it be lucky or unlucky for me?

I have a serious problem, he won't wear shoes, of any sort, and now that weather is warmer not even a sock goes near his feet, (which is probably why he has increased his mobility) He is not going to wear any kind of shoe, just as an aside now, he took my mobile phone and put in in between the door and the frame just now.....and smashed it! OH GOD!

Does anyone know if they still do exorcisms in John Lane's church?

Love him and his evil ways!

Never count your blessings?

So this morning with the two older ones dispatched to school and Montessori I sat down to blog, and I blogged an=bout how happy I was and how lucky I felt to have friends, which of course I am, but then at 1.45 pm it hit me, the loneliness.

I spent roughly the last ten days in company, surrounded by friends and family, but today after I picked up my daughter from Montessori and we were on our way back from doing some chores, my daughter was in overtired cranky form and we got caught up in a tiny bit of traffic, my baby was not impressed and he started to cry, really really loudly. I felt myself filling up, and then the tears just started to roll down my face. I just felt so alone.

Maybe I'm just not cut out for living alone, I love when my house is full of my family and friends, I love it when the kids are having a ball and the adults are just chatting away about crap, it's the same when I go to my parents and my brother is there, or any events that involve my extended family. I spent a lot of my childhood in my maternal granny's house and she was queen of entertaining so maybe that's rubbed off on me, house was never empty, she always had people for lunch or tea and while she didn't really like visiting other peoples homes she loved to have her house filled with laughter. Oh and singing, now I'm not that bad, everyone hasn't got to have a party piece!

But the loneliness struck me today, I am alone, all my mummy friends are back in their normal routines, my non mummy friends are in work, I have a few hours off tonight as my ex husband has access with the kids, but my eldest son has a football match that he wants me to go to with him "Cos you haven't been to see me play in ages....." and some people doubt children's intelligence and ability to manipulate? I haven't been in ages cos his dad likes to go, and generally his dad has him when he has a match, so I don't go anymore. So tonight I won't get to meet a friend or anything, Oh I'll make small talk with the other soccer moms, "Gosh isn't your son good? Really he's going to Blackrock college?" and then I won't see anyone tomorrow, maybe Wednesday evening my boyfriend might come over to stay, but that will be the first proper conversation I'll have this week, I don't have work, so I have no colleagues to chat to. I have a good neighbour mummy friend I can call on generally, but she has so much going on right now, all the general taxi driver mother stuff, two lots of homework etc.

I was at the funeral last week and I spoke to a friend of the family who has suffered with his health for his entire life, and he hadn't seen me since the huge changes in my lifestyle last year, "How are you?" I asked, "OK!" He replied, "Sure you have to keep going don't you? Keep on smiling?" I replied. He just looked at me like I was mad and said, "No, sure how do people know how you really are if you don't tell them, and if they ask and they don't want to know the truth, tough shit!". Maybe he's right, maybe I'm wrong, maybe the stiff upper lip, keep on smiling until you burst into tears thing just doesn't work?

It was a lovely weekend for me, but it was also my ex husbands birthday weekend, he had drinks with a lot of his friends, new and old, some of whom are shared friends, and while it shouldn't bother me at all, and I have pretended that it hasn't bothered me, it does. I want to be OK with it all, and I suppose I will be eventually, but I have to admit the fact that he is celebrating his birthday with old mutual friends and his new partner (who is lovely) is there instead of me, it makes me sad, it makes me miss my old life I suppose, cos entertaining was always fun, so it's hard to put happy memories out of my head and replace it with memories of rows or disagreements! I know I am being hypocritial in that I celebrated my birthday with my boyfriend, and my friends, but apart from one all the friends who came were always my friends, which I suppose is a bit strange, none of the male friends I would have known when I was married came, but then I notice even my married friends husbands don't know how to act around me now.

So I am lonely, lonely and tired, I miss someone coming home at the end of the day, I miss someone to talk to, as it is most weeknights I go to bed at nine.....that's kinda sad isn't it, but the house is empty when the kids go to bed. As I don't watch TV I go to bed, try to read, and generally have fallen asleep by the time my boyfriend texts to see am I up for a chat.....the extremely loud beeping of my phone can't even wake me! So I miss the only opportunity for adult conversation that I got all day, some days I try really hard to stay awake, and he is so zonked he has fallen asleep!

Now before you say but your ex partner is calling over tonight to see the kids, two things, he is calling to see the kids, not me, and secondly he had a lovely birthday weekend, a nice night out and movies last night, he got lovely presents off his friends and girlfriend and I just know if he tries to tell me about his weekend I'll cry! Which isn't fair on him, or me really, so I texted him today basically saying, feel really crap, please just leave me alone tonight. Horrible, but what other option do I have, get upset, let him see? What good does that do? We are separated, we only have the children connecting us, no matter what we may say, if we hadn't had kids I doubt we would be attempting to be so civil to each other, would we? Obviously we have know each other for so long I would hope eventually we would be friends, but so soon? Maybe after a couple of years?

Sorry, really awful post after the loved up post earlier, but that's what happens sometimes, it is swings and roundabouts.

Really need a holiday I suppose, I've been saying that for so long now, like years....threatening to book myself a week alone in the sun and bring ten paperbacks to read, but I still haven't done that, and I know why...


I've actually just had a revelation right now blogging, I've never taken that holiday, in fact any holiday I take is never about doing nothing and relaxing, my trip to Maine last year should have been like that but no matter how much my hosts insisted I just couldn't relax, felt like I had come to visit them so I needed to entertain them, mad. But that ties into why I am upset today, after my fun week or so, it was fun (mostly) but I was so busy, so busy, I didn't stop at all, it was constant, and when I am constantly moving or out socialising, out and about, I don't get upset, I don't really think about things! So if I went for a week to the sun my head would probably explode. In fact this shouldn't be such a revelation, my boyfriend is always telling me to relax, I just seem to find it tough.....

Anyway, enough for now, need to keep busy!

Nuacht

I have to apologise again, as my laptop is broken I won't be posting videos in my blog posts....which some of you will be grateful for but there is one I really want to post and it's a pain in the bottom that I can't, I also can't seem to post pictures......look I may have a blog and all that but when it comes to technology I am a ninny!

So anyway here is a summary for the last week or so of my life.......

My mum isn't great (thanks for asking Ash and Ails), they finished the treatment on Friday, they wanted her to stay in this week for just respite care, no treatment but she just wanted to get home. There are three main problems that she has and the problem is by treating one they make the others worse. They are talking about surgery on her spine, but she is terrified so I can't see her agreeing to that. Mum got very depressed last week in the Hospice, really low, I think three weeks of agonising treatment that just made it worse is just too much for her. She was so bad on Friday when I was there she could hardly sit or stand, was barely able to walk. It's breaking my heart.

On a brighter note my little baby is mush better, still runny nose and (intermittent) conjunctivitis, but I think that's teething. He is doing a lot of cruising, right now we are in the hall and he is walking a few steps before he remembers to crawl, so he is thriving. My oldest son had midterm last week so I kept my daughter out of Montessori too, we had a lovely week doing lots of things, enjoying the sun and catching up with friends.

We did have one sad day though, my ex husbands grandmother died and I brought the children to the funeral, I come from a family of undertakers, I see making children aware of the cycles of life and death as important, they knew and loved her so why shouldn't they mourn her? And they were great comfort to their father and grandparents. They got upset towards the end of the service, and asked me why funerals were made to be so sad? Kids ask great questions, you can really be surprised! Their dad was feeling low and spent the day with them, as I said they ear great comfort, reminds you what's important.

As I mentioned in a previous post I went out to "The Blue Note" on Friday and had a ball, then Saturday night I went to a friends house, we drank Polish Wodka and had a Chinese (Cantonese roast duck......drool) then we watched Tom Hanks (who I have very little time for generally) in "Charlie Wilson's War", I really enjoyed it, although Julia Roberts looked like an anorexic space alien. Saturday night was chilled and relaxed, and I came home reminded of all the blessings I have in my life, probably the most important of those (apart form my children) is the friends I have in my life, the ability to make strong connections with other people, to share my life with them and be able to share their lives. I was feeling quite "loved up" when I thought about it, the significance of friendship in my life, and how rich my life is, although at times I feel lonely, generally I am extremely lucky!

Yesterday, again loved up I bought the kids a bouncy castle, for one hundred euro in Argos, (sure I just won't eat this month) my boyfriend and his kids came over and my friends and their two kids, they had a ball on the castle and we had yummy BBQ, even the baby enjoyed himself, and again a lovely day spent with friends, watching my kids and their friends playing together.

I think friendship and genuine connections between people is what life is about, it's what brings real contentment and happiness, I don't think money or success or romantic love can bring as much contentment as friendship.

Jesus, sorry, really loved up ........

A Retraction

I would like to apologise for my awful late night post on Friday night....actually early hours of Saturday morning! I have actually no idea what the fuck it was about, or who Tom is, or what my boyfriend and i were fighting over.....all I know is I woke shivering on the sofa at four in the morning, crawled into bed beside him and had no idea there was a problem until next morning when I was driving home and he called me and tried to read the crazy ramblings to me over the phone!

In an attempt to explain we were out on Friday night, " The Blue Note" on Capel Street and had a few alcoholic beverages (they had Coors light on draught.....maybe I was a bit bold!) But we had a great night, well I did anyway, and it even ended with chip sandwiches, so perfect!

So to my boyfriend, and to you the blogging community I apologise for using the Internet while drunk..... very very dangerous!

Btw the red dress and corset is my option for next Saturday at the burlesque night, I have to admit on Monday morning, dressed in a Stones T-Shirt and crappy jeans it just seems like too much effort!

Late at night post!

hey, I am in my boyfriends house, fighting cos I don't want tom be a pain in the ass!


But give me a hand, I haD my dress the red dress with corset, you can tell me if it is ok....;/

Filthy Friday times two!

Sorry guys, I am a bad girl! Extremely so, I really need to be spanked! My laptop has died, really really died this time, there will be no Lazarus like resurrection this time, and on top of that Eircom cut off my phone line last week, so I have been Internet deprived. Now I have a really old desktop at home but it is hell to use and I wind up suicidal cos it's so fucking slow. I will try harder in future but in the mean time I will accept my punishment!

So I missed filthy Friday last week, therefore I have two badges to hand out this week, there have been some good contenders and I have had plenty of time to think about it.

The first badge goes toThis best dirty chat up line I've heard in a long time, and the second goes to This. Well done Idiot and Ally K, drop me a mail with your addresses and I'll send you the Filthy, then I want a picture of it on a part of your anatomy, on your blog...for all the world to see!

I will try to be a better blogger, please forgive me....

Btw, trying to go to the Tassel club in the Button factory next weekend, any tips on what I should wear??? I'm gonna lose my burlesque virginity!

the video says it all!

Love Duffy....love this! I had more to say, but it is late....and I am a ninny!

Anyone interested!

Sunday night..... Sugar Club, anyone interested? I'd love to get a babysitter! It's a bit weird!

Sexy and Sweaty!

This is Zorita, one of the original burlesque beauties, I wonder what she would make of the latest keep fit craze...................
Polestars who last year brought you pole dancing to get fit now bring you this, burlesque classes......I know I shouldn't but I really really want to do it.....Nipple tassels for gods sake???? What's not to like?

Plague house!

This is kind of the why my weekend was so crap part two I suppose!

My baby is sick, last week when I was blogging I mentioned he was unwell and clingy (as i type this he is asleep with his head on my shoulder, he is still in clingy mode) well on Thursday I was worried but went to visit mum in the hospice and stay in my boyfriend's house as planned, but when I got in on Friday morning, at about half six he was not well. Burning up and crusty eyes and nose, eyes rolling around in his head, totally not himself, but after kids Neurofen he perked up and I relaxed enough to bring him out to meet my friend Jo for coffee for her birthday.

Now I got to Avoca, I was a wee bit late, hassled, worried about the baby, and while trying to get out of the car I twisted my neck and a muscle went into spasm!I was just fucked. Got into Avoca, after calling my friend who wasn't there yet, but said another of our friends was there, in I went and there she was at the counter, I hugged her and tried to make my way through the crowds with my baby in the buggy and a huge bag (my friends present), now it was packed, I mean really for fucks sake, it's a coffee shop! There were the yummiest of mummies with designer buggies that cost more than my car, which were so big and bulky you couldn't get by them, now did I fail to mention I had my light buggy with me? A ten year old, very very tattered Maclaren, I looked liked a knacker!

>So I am feeling hassled and looking for a table, a very pretty smiley girl comes over and says "HI", I answer with a hi, and she says, "I think I am meeting you for coffee today?" I look at her blankly for a moment before saying, "NO, I don't think so, bye", I walk off wondering how she thought she knew me,as she was really familiar, did we have our babies in Holles street at the same time? So I find a table, my friend comes over, sits down, and then the pretty auburn haired girl comes over, "HI!", and suddenly everything falls into place I know this lovely woman, OH GOD!!!!!!! I was mortified, I spent the rest of the coffee telling her how sorry I was! We had a nice time, the baby managed to be Happy just sitting on my lap, but not his usual self.

I have a new lover!

Dear Boyfriend,

I'm sorry to be doing this via the computer and in such a public forum, but I'm afraid our relationship will have to end. This afternoon I was weak, so weak, I gave into the temptation, temptation I have been fighting for weeks now. I am so ashamed of myself for betraying the special relationship we have built over the last five months. The guilt will haunt me forever, but I don't regret it.

For weeks I have seen him, dark, sweet sensual, luring me in as he was spread on bill boards with yer one from desperate housewives, I had to have him, but I fought it, fought it for us and the special times we have had together, but today, well today even though I knew it would change things between us and I should resist I gave in, the hedonist inside won out and I bought a Magnum 60% Ecuador dark......

OH MY GOD!!!!!
OH MY GOD!!!!!
OH MY GOD!!!!!

Yes multiple orgasms! I have found that thing that people search for their whole lives, my perfect partner, everyone knows how much I enjoy sex, and I don't say this lightly but this was better than (mediocre) sex!

So from now on darling you will have to compete for my affections, I love you with all my heart but even you will find it difficult to compete with dark dark choc and real cream ice cream, slowly melting....that crack when you take that first bite....the soft yielding ice cream, with the flecks of vanilla, the sun on my back......OH JESUS!

We do have another option, a way perhaps of salvaging our relationship, I know it's unusual, bohemian even but if you liked it too we could have a threesome....actually no, I won't share, a foursome?

Love you
Midge xxx

I really need this right now!

I have no sound on my laptop, but I did listen to this on my DVD player, I am feeling so crap! Having an awful day, well it's been pretty much constantly an awful week or so. I have been "off the Radar" since before the weekend, Thursday was my last attempt at blogging, and pretty much things were just like a bad dream since then.

Thursday evening I visited my mum in the Hospice, she had spoken to the doctor that day about the results of the MRI scan she had on Wednesday, turns out she has serious damage to the nerves in her spine, so bad she might never get any relief, also damage to muscles, the bone disease has basically pulled and pushed, twisted her soft tissue. The doctor did ask her how she managed the pain, "Neurofen", my nearly 64 year old mum answered, but the doctor then told her there were people in the hospice with less severe damage than mum and they were on morphine, the pain is that bad, so my mum laughing says to me, "so you know what I said to her?" I said no, she then said, "I told her I've been married for 36 years, and if I can put up with him I can put up with anything!" We broke our hearts laughing, actually it just broke my heart to see my mum there, so old and frail and stiff. She was wearing a tracksuit....my mum NEVER wears tracksuits, or even trousers, she is a real lady, loves to look pretty, loves her skirts, her hair was limp and she just looked so unlike herself! The physio is hard, and she is doing hydro therapy, even though she has a mortal fear of water. She isn't complaining, in fact the opposite, the ward cheerleader, she did exactly what I knew she would do, she found people who needed her to help, people less well of than herself and she took them under her wing, that's mum!

I love my mum so much, and i saw her future on Thursday night, slowly her body seizing up, until she is unable to do what she wants when she wants, which is gonna kill her. Some people make good patients, they take to bed with a cold, love to be pampered, like to be taken care of, mum is not like that, she is always gonna be the care taker, if she can't do it physically she will do it by giving out advice and listening to me talk about my life and my worries. Even on Thursday when I was leaving she insisted on walking me out to my car, having her second cigarette of the day on the way (her vice, two cigs a day) so we get to my car in the car park and she says, "now you get in", "no mam you are grand, I'll get in a few minutes" So we are chatting away and I get into the car, she walks off and I make a phone call. So about ten minutes later I am driving past the entrance to the hospice unit where she is, and there she is, waving, waiting to make sure I am OK before she went in. I am 35 years old, I am the mother (quite an OK, responsible one at that) of three children, and she is making sure I'm OK! She will always be my mum, maybe that's what keeps her going? The feeling of being needed?

I saw far too many sad cases to blog about here, mum was saying how lucky she felt, some of the other patients were so much worse than she was, but as I said I think in her case it's mind over matter a lot of the time. There was one young girl, in her twenties with Motor Neuron Disease, now my aunt has this and she is in her 60's, it's tragic at any age but it's just so unfair (sorry, I have no other way of expressing it except "ITS NOT FAIR", then again life is not fair, who read that bock "Why bad things happen to good people"? I wish I could keep the feeling I had in my heart on Thursday, the feeling of live in the moment cos basically you never know what's gonna happen, OK so last year my relationship ended after a couple of lifetimes (sorry for harping on...can you hear the tiny violins?) but I still have my health, and so do my kids, and apart from mum most of the people I love, we are so Blessed! I also have amazing friends and family whom I share my life with, who love me and allow me to love them, life is a wonderful gift, and not only is your body a wonderland, so is your brain and your soul and every aspect of every day of your life!

I think the rest of my crap week can wait for another post.....this was pretty heavy!

Fustar models his badge!

Fellow bloggers, Filthy badge coveters, you can see Fustars badge modelled on his "person" here!

I'm already taking nominations and suggestions for this weeks winner!

Keep the suggestions rolling in!

Filthy Friday!

This weeks filthy was a close one, four of my group blog buddies looking for the little black shiny object. Milan with Pron, Ails with this confessional, Atreus specialising in elderly ice cream sex and Shan with this! But I'm afraid my friends much as I approve of nepotism the badge is going to Gneas, just cos I love it so much, the concept and the activity!

Well done Damien, but sure you probably don't want a filthy....if you do drop me your address!

Porn to be Wild!

As you might have noticed I've been considering my options as regards feminism, couple of weeks ago it was socialism and some of the implications on the family etc, then last week it was prostitution and how I could consider myself a feminist and still support it. This week it's porn.

I have an interest in porn, now it wasn't always so and as a much younger woman I thought it was the cause of violence against women, only made by women hating men. A lot of that was my own ignorance and insecurity, worried that my partner expected my body to be like the bodies in the magazines, or that our sexual encounters would have to up to porn star quality. But time passed and I suppose porn exposure meant I became immune to it, in fact I could appreciate it for what it was, a convenient stimulus, if my partner wasn't around or in the mood! But over time I noticed something, something that I think is the really sinister thing about porn...you gradually become immune to it.

Did you ever wonder why there is every potential weird sexual activity on the interweb? People start out looking at nude pictures, then videos, and eventually they get bored, "Jesus, doggy style again????" So this time you find a site that has threesomes or moresomes.....then that just won't do it, bondage? Cigarette Porn (I find that one really difficult to understand), Old ladies, dwarfs, vibrating fucking machines......I mean the list goes on, then one day you find yourself unable to come and suddenly the horse porn you dismissed seems like a great idea!

It's over exposure, it's a huge problem, it's Internet porn, the fact that you are only ever a click away form something more risque and kinky, now that doesn't mean it's any better than before when videos from Holland were circulated between friends in the football club. The variety wasn't there at all, people saw the same thing again and again and it was difficult to access more specialised sexual images, but surely that's healthier ? In real life sex is repetitive, even if you are a bloody contortionist and know the Karma Sutra backwards, chances are your sex life will have some repetition involved in it! The omnipresence and variety of porn make it very difficult to keep any ones attention for any period of time, this can't be good for real ( not virtual) sex, can it?

Then there is the other aspect of modern Internet porn I have issue with, You Porn, amateur porn sites, most of these are taken on phones and put up on the site by a participant, now personally I don't really get this kind of porn, I like good lighting and I like pretty girls, not some ones granny and grandad doing it in a bondage swing (yes, yes, I will NEVER get that image out of my mind!). But I worry about these sites as do people give consent to have these videos put up on the Internet, how many of these happen when a girl is pissed off her face and winds up back in some guys flat? I assume anyone who has been in a long term relationship has spent an evening drinking champagne and filming themselves shagging (I have, with my ex, I have the tape... ) and my ex has kept the nude pics we took of each other when we were 19...I know, imagine that! But if something is on the net it's not just about the couple of people involved is it?

So I have to admit to occasionally looking at porn now, but now anywhere near as much as I used to, I suppose my relationship is different now and what we both consider acceptable is still under negotiation? I think there will always be a porn industry, I can't see you porn wiping out the multi million dollar companies who control the Internet sites, and I would say at least the girls on the professional sites get paid! I wish we didn't live in a society where women, any woman felt she had to sell her body to make a living, or become a movie star or escape her life, but the reality is different and much like the regulation of prostitution if it was legal it would be easier to police and the girls would be protected.

Slummy Mummy Update!

Well, as I mentioned in the comments yesterday didn't improve too much, I had a prang in my car in Dundrum (where I had gone to buy a variety of kids birthday cards and presents)! Now the other driver was an elderly lady in a Passat and her car was damaged,but mine was OK, she must have been able to tell I was at the end of my tether as she said oh just forget about it! The rest of the day was fairly normal, kids demanding stuff, refusing to do stuff, insisting on doing stuff.....Baby went to bed and seemed OK.

Then I jumped out of my clothes, into the shower, used yummy lush stuff and organic shampoo and conditioner, then when I got out smothered myself in lush massage bar, began to fell a bit better and got a beer from the fridge. My boyfriend showed up earlier than expected with the tulips you see above.... I nearly wept!

The rest of the evening was lovely, you don't need to know details but there was chilli and Proseco wine involved! I woke this morning, slightly dehydrated but feeling reborn! I even managed a jaunty smile for the Montessori teacher this morning!

Confessions of a slummy mummy!

It's 9:30 am, and already I am having a crappy day, I am returning to weight watchers this morning, which will be so nice, I've missed being judged but I'm going anyway, glutton for (bread and butter) punishment that I am, I'm still going back!

My new enamel kettle was boiled to death this morning, I am an old fogey and I have a kettle you put on the gas stove, and my lovely cream enamel one is now all horrible from boiling with nothing in it, while I didn't notice the smell!

Baby isn't well, think it's a general, teething, immune system thing, has been really really clingy last week or so, then yesterday for three hours non stop he cried, nothing I did could console him, even neurofen didn't work, he hadn't a temperature, just bad form. Today he has crusty eyes, all yellow and gooey! So it's cleaning those with cooled boiled watter constantly now! His illness hasn't affected him too much he pulled down my venetian blind in the sitting room yesterday!

So this morning I am not feeling too great, now usually Tuesday is my Poosday, but today is Wednesday, I am heading to Dundrum to buy 5 birthday presents when my daughter is finished in Montessori, kids each have two parties on Saturday!!!!! There is light at the end of the tunnel, my BF is coming over tonight, but by the time he gets here,and the kids have been dispatched it's gonna be snuggle on the sofa before falling into a coma like sleep!

Speaking of sleep it's not really happening for me at the moment, apart from a narky ill baby my daughter 4 hasn't been settled, it's my fault, partly, last week my ex and I had a row, a really bad one, and the kids were in the house heard it all, now we have managed not to do this, and I won't go into details here, and please don't lecture me, I couldn't feel any worse than I do. So my son is older, he can rationalise his fears and talk to me about how he felt and what it was like, my daughter is very literate but only four, so it's harder for her, so she has been having broken sleep, literally waking to make sure I am still there!

But on Friday morning I was dropping her into Montessori and the teacher asked to speak to me, now I know my separation has been the talk of the school, and as a catholic cross wearing fanatic who teaches the children prayers (regardless of their faith, or lack there of) she does not approve of me! This was made very clear on Friday, she told me how my daughter was acting, and things she had been saying in the last week (never mind that for the last 6 months she was fine) so I thanked her for her concern and said I was aware of what was going on and that I was sure it was a reaction to this one off event, she seemed unconvinced, asked me was I seeing someone, laughing that my daughter had mentioned a boyfriend, and when I said yes (holding in the what the fuck business is it of yours!) She actually put her hand on my shoulder and said, "I know it's hard but you must think of your children"!


AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

So this morning while trying to get organised, eldest boy had been dispatched to school, feeding baby and daughter eating her toast while making a card for her ill nanny, my daughter says, "teacher says you have to come and hear me read", grand, I say, no problem, "all the other mummies bring their children to school everyday so they have read for their mummies", see my friend and I alternate, she brings the kids I collect them, but I'm a bad mummy, cos of that! Now everyday I see her teacher daily at pick up and she has said nothing to me about this, so I don't know what the story is, my daughter isn't neglected, I do a good job, as good a job as I did before I was single! Maybe better cos I'm aware the buck stops here?

I just want to stick it to her, I am defensive, yes but I am also being realistic, I don't think I can do things better, apart from not fighting with my ex, which just isn't gonna happen again, the emotional cost to all of us is just too much. If I was a normal working mother I'd be dropping my daughter in a creche at 7/8am and not picking her up till 6? I spend 21 hours a day caring for her, except for those 3 hours she is in Montessori, when I still have a baby to mind so it's not like I'm off getting a massage or anything, in fact baby is so clingy I can't even go to the gym anymore, he freaks out!

Sorry, feeling ranty today...ranty and ratty! Baby won't stop crying or leave me alone.........

Sammy Update!

Jesus....I am crap at taking photos of that blooming squirmy snake....she just hates having her photo taken, typical woman, she so loves to slink around!

Goodbye Kitty!

So in the spirit of openness, and discussing the potential locations and subjects of my tattoos, one of the things I'd considered having as my tattoo was "Goodbye Kitty", I loved the fact that they look so nice, and sweet, but look closely and you can see that it's more sinister!

Maybe you don't have to look too closely for this one!

Or this one........

This is my favorite, well this or the crucifixion one!

My Mum!

My mum had a hysterectomy at 33, at the time HRT was in it's early stages and it made her ill, she got benign lumps on her breasts, it was serious enough to stop the treatment. She had also had a really bad diet, obsessing about her weight and really not eating what she should, I remember years of the Cambridge diet...which was a pink milkshake diet! She developed arthritic in her 30's and by 40 she had osteoarthritis, she has been in constant pain for nearly twenty years now,and today it reached another level.

My mum has been admitted to the Hospice in Harold's Cross where she will be given another MRI scan to see if she has a fracture in her spine, then they start the physio, it is gonna be three weeks of that, she is gonna be in there having treatment and hopefully gaining some relief, at the moment she can hardly bear the pain, there are days she can't sit down and every night she is luck if she can get two or three hours sleep! This will be her future, she will have to accept that she is going to be in and out of the hospice three or four times a year and that gradually she will wind up in a wheelchair, sooner rather than later, but she is so stubborn she will fight it.

So I am faced with the fact that my mum, who I adore, who is still my mum taking care of me and giving me advice is changing, our roles are changing, and that scares me. She is not the kind of woman to take easily to advice, she has no desire to be taken care of, and that is gonna cause some problems for us.

So today my mum faced facts, and saw her future, she will have immediately looked around and seen someone less able than her who she will take care of, she has already planned a sleep over for two weeks, when she is home for the weekend, she'll have my two older guys and my brothers son, she adores her grandchildren!

I am scared, I love her so much, I think probably cos we didn't establish a good relationship until I had left home at 20, the relationship means more to me. I am upset, finding it hard to admit that this is her future, pain and hospital, I just feel helpless, I wish there was something I could do to help!