**** Christmas!

I am sorry, and I know you are all gonna think badly of me but I ****ing hate Christmas! I am sitting here, it's twenty five to nine, the baby is asleep, but the older two are wide awake and wired! (to the fucking moon!) I have had a load of neighbours visit tonight, I have handed out gifts I have received boxes of chocolates with a smile on my face! But I just hate this, I don't want to do this, I don't want to have to spend Christmas alone with my children, I don't want to do Santa solo! I am just so lonely and sad tonight!

I am kinda wishing I didn't have the kids, I wish my ex did, then the pressure would be off. I love my children, i want Christmas to be magical but my reserves of emotional strenght are totally used up and it is difficult not to lose patience when they won't sleep! I am just sad, my ex has just been talking to me, he is upset too, he misses the kids, we miss him....please tell me it will get easier!

I am going to my mums tomorrow, she is a good Christmas dinner chef but a crap hostess! The attitude she loves is, eat and get out! And she thinks she is doing us a favour! I am dreading it! Kids will be up early and my ex will arrive at around half ten and I'm cooking a full Irish. After I've cleaned up I'm gonna feck off up to the bath , where I'll face pack and de fuzz! I have some lush lovely stuff! I also have a great book to take to the bath with me!

I just wish it was anytime of the year except Christmas! You know I have good friends but my friends are all up to their nads at this time of the year and I am aware that I don't want to impose on them! I just miss the closeness of having a partner to share the evening with! Well to be precise I miss the partner I spent the last 17 years with! And now my son who is nearly ten is experiencing his first Christmas without his daddy! I feel really crappy, how fucked up am I that I couldn't keep my husband long enough to see my kids into teenage years!

I am 34 years old, I am single for the first time, I am trying to make my life a new positive life, as I believe that is the only way to do this, the only way to make my children happy too. But it is so difficult, I just want my ex to wrap his arms around me, tell me it's gonna be ok! But that is never gonna happen and I know that, I refuse o live in denial or hope for even a few hours! Bit it's hard being realistic and honest, at times like this denial looks good!